So, this is my life. I've been a Christian since I was four years old. I've lived the life a good, southern baptist girl lives growing up in the South. I obeyed my parents, read my Bible, sang in the choir, attended church, and so forth and so on, and so be it. All of this about my life I love, and I am NOT complaining. Was I perfect along the way these 28 years? Absolutely not! Did I have some MAJOR screw ups in relationships, decisions, etc.? Absolutely. So what then?
Well, somewhere along the way, maybe even in the past 3-4 years, God has really been revealing to me who He really is and what a relationship with Him actually looks like--how it's lived, what you expect, etc. So where does that leave me? Back at square one every time--learning something new about a perfect God who loves me unconditionally, and reminding me ever so lovingly that no matter how long I've been a Christian, He can still amaze me. How so?
Well, for me, lately, I've been a little depressed, or shall we say, my rose colored glasses for life have beem replaced by sunglasses. (There are those who really know me that will argue I have never owned a pair of rose colored glasses,) but that's besides the point...things have just been not so bright and cheery for me lately--on the inside, not the out. Mostly because I think when you've been living a fulfilling Christian life every day your entire life (not perfectly, mind you) the glory of what you live can fade when you become complacent, ungrateful, and in some respects bored.
As a stay at home mom, there are days when I know boredom, and even though I'm terribly, extremely, off the wall blessed and grateful that I get the opportunity to invest in my child's life...satan still finds his way into the recesses of your thoughts, and those little whispers can wear away at the bedrock of your soul over time. 'Useless, worthless, of no account, who cares, why should you, you think God is really using you, how, why, in what way, for what purpose...useless.' And so goes the whispering arrows that pierce away at my self-confidence and identity in Christ.
So what happened? Well, maybe nothing much to the rest of this world of bloggers who are waiting for a big finale, but very rarely in life do we get a clear message from God. I'm talking as clear as He was sitting in the car next to me when I heard Him say, "If I live in you, you are never useless." Now there are so many other circumstances surrounding this conversation (or sentence) that God had with me, but the bottom line is I matter, you matter, everything matters. This life I live for Him is not for nothing, be it ever so small of an influence I may have in my lifetime. God cares about the small things, and it's the small things that have to be in place before the big things can come along. So, I guess I'm writing to officially announce that I'm okay (for now, at this moment in my life) at being a small thing. I will have days when I want to be more, and days when I beg God to use me again, I'm sure...because hey, this life is all about struggle against our flesh, and every day is a new death to something of some sort, but for now, I'm okay with my identity being useful simply, and only because, He lives in me. Useful to no one for nothing, other than Him simply because of that.
There, I said it. I put my writing talents to work, and I now have sufficiently publicly put out there private thoughts that eat away at me that I think won't matter to anyone or worse, might make people make fun of me (which I'm sure my family will have some smart-mouth remark about being like someone who shall remain unnamed for the sake of the whole world to see), but for the first time, I don't care. I love to write. I love to share how God works in my life, and if this is a good outlet, then here it is. Enjoy. Be bored. Role your eyes and think, 'Oh my gosh, she's so emotional', or deep, or whatever half compliment-half insult you can think. Just know that I wouldn't share if it didn't matter, but isn't that the point of today? I matter, you matter, everything matters. So be encouraged!!! Maybe you'll have a sentence with God today too=)
2 Chronicles 16:9 "For the eyes of the LORD move to and fro throughout the earth that He may strongly support those whose heart is completely His."
4 comments:
No jabs from me. Only encouragement. I remind you that you matter more than anything to that precious child that you and Joey are rearing. You have, in my mind, the greatest of callings and that is to train your child to walk in the ways of the Lord. Your impact in her life is eternal. I know that I have not yet walked the path of motherhood and experienced those trials, but I have heard your heart and I will be praying for you in a special way today. May you always know that the Lord is using you because He is evident in your life. Love you, Em
I second the no jabs comment from Emmy. I think it's great that you're writing. (And you ARE a great writer, btw). Sometimes we just gotta get it out and whether or not we feel better after it's "out", at least we did it. I love you and I love Joey and I love Savannah. And just for a little hint of "rose color" in your life...
Remember that time...you hiked the entire Grand Canyon, pregnant!?
Did I mention I LOVE my family...you guys are the best=)
haha! See? I told you that you would make a good blogger. :) It's a good way to open yourself up. Keep it up! I do find it funny that we (all of us) have a hard time revealing ourselves to those closest to us...and yet, a simple blog opens all of that up to us. Because on the outside...we can all make everything look fine.
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