Handling the Hurt

That text message stung. The long silences are filled with awkwardness. A distraction removes them from a conversation they never return to finish or revisit. The look in their eye tells you they’re not listening. He distances and hides. She overshares, becomes needy or completely insecure. Some scream and defend hotly. Heated conversation is typical. Others become cynical and dark. Some are so defensive about everything you feel it’s impossible to have a civil conversation.

Hurt people hurt people.

The hurt comes in all shapes and sizes. The passive aggressive are good at passing barbs or veiled stinging messages. The overtly aggressive scream and spew anger over the smallest incidents. The avoiders, avoid, sometimes even lie, or tell you what they think you want to hear, but they aren’t honest.

Yellers yell because they don’t feel heard.

Avoiders avoid because deep feelings scare them.

The overly distracted don’t have the capacity in the moment to even have the conversation.

Chances are if you’ve been hurt by someone, they are hurting also. In deep ways. They have open wounds now oozing into your life. Sometimes these people are aware of this, but I have found most people have zero clue they’ve hurt someone. Most people are so busy trying to hide and or treat their wounds, they don’t realize the effect it’s having on those around them.

Jesus was hurt by hurting people. He was rejected by his own hometown. Kicked out. Turned away. He was denied by Peter, one of His closest friends. Only one of ten lepers returned to say thank you the day He healed them all. We like to think of Him as perfect because He was, but the Bible says He also faced every human experience. He felt disappointment. He knew the burning irrationality of being offended. He was tempted to turn His back on those He knew would be ungrateful or had been ungrateful before. He had feelings, and I must believe for Him to understand my struggles in life, those feelings got hurt. (Luke 4:14-30, Matthew 26:69-75, Luke 17:11-19, Hebrews 4:15)

But He handled it all with grace and gentility, truth and love. Every wounded, hurting person was handled with care. He never excused the adulterous woman’s sin, but He also did not condemn her. He dispersed her accusers, then once they were alone, He told her to sin no more. He got His hands dirty with spit and mud healing some. He was begged to leave towns for healing others. The record of His conversation with the woman at the well is genius. Somehow, the way He spoke to her, made her love Him more even though He pointed out her every wrong! I like to think it’s because she felt fully known by Him, even her ugliness, yet fully loved by Him also. (John 8:1-11, John 9:6, Matthew 8:28-34, John 4:4-42)

The hurting that encountered Jesus were not always told truth, but they were always shown love.

Look around you. Today, in this divided, defensive world, every person you encounter is most likely hurting in ways you don’t see and have no way of understanding. Words AND actions are powerful tools. They must be carried and used in truth AND love. Sometimes both are needed in the moment. Other times, only actions of love are needed (1 John 3:18).

Jesus had the perfect wisdom of God to know when and how and what to say and do. I’m sure He felt the rub of wanting to speak truth, to correct, to guide, to offer advice, but in His wisdom, He chose to simply show up and be present instead. I also believe He felt that sensation in the pit of your stomach where you don’t want to say something, but you know you have to or need to say something, so in His wisdom He spoke truth with grace out of love and concern and in the need of the moment with compassion (Ephesians 4:29).

As Christians, followers of Jesus, we do not have to remain silent. We shouldn’t remain silent. We are called to hold one another accountable. In fact, the only people we are given permission to judge this side of heaven is our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. But we are out of practice in our delivery and soft skills to successfully enter those moments with others.

Our conviction and passion are too often received as condemnation when they are not delivered in a package wrapped by love and grace and given amid relationship.

So yes, speak the truth God has revealed to you. BUT speak it with the intention to show love. Speak it with the intention to offer grace where someone is drowning in shame. Speak it to offer a hand of camaraderie or commissary, letting the other person know, no matter what, you are in this with them, alongside them. Take the time to build or repair the foundation of the relationship, gaining trust, before speaking hard truths.

Because truth is an anchor. It is sturdy and solid. It will ground your faith, be a firm foundation. It will not move when the storms of life come. But it is heavy. To a drowning person, it is heavy. To a person soaring high in the clouds of life, it can be heavy. To the person on a long journey, it is heavy.

Know your audience before you hand them truth. It may be exactly what they need to hear, but you may need to get in the water and help them tread with the weight of it. You may need to be the counterbalance to the weight of the truth keeping them from crashing. You may need to plan to join them on their journey before you hand them the truth to take with them.

Yes, as Christians we are called to speak the truth to one another in love. We are called to hold each other to God’s standards of righteousness. But our culture has taught us we can spout these things over social media or in a text message or drop it like bombs in a one-off conversation, and somehow people are supposed to change their minds because we spoke truth in this manner? God can still use these methods because He can work all things for good, but this is not the example Jesus lived for us (Ephesians 4:15, Romans 8:28).

Jesus got His hands dirty. He spent hours eating and conversing inside the homes of the hurting. He made Himself available for one-on-one conversations. And in those moments, in those ways, when He was doing life with people, He spoke hard truths, and then He offered Himself as the means to help them carry and live with that truth.

I’m not Jesus, but I can try to be like Him. His Holy Spirit abides with me, so if I abide with Him, I can do all the things He calls me to do. If He strengthens me to hand over a heavy truth, then He also makes me strong enough to help carry the truth with the receiver, OR He’s already strengthened them to be able to carry it alone. When you have a relationship with the person, you will know which is true.

In the meantime, every Christian must practice balancing loving well with grace AND truth. We miss the mark when we err on either side. If you are a grace-giver by nature, it is wise to develop relationships with truth-tellers and vice versa. The perfect balance of the two leads us all straight to Jesus, and that is how the body of Christ accomplishes its purpose here on earth.

We are all hurting people, hurting people. The sooner we all accept this shortcoming about ourselves and each other, the sooner we can get around to figuring out how to be healing people that help each other heal.

The Truth About Six Feet

This is not another tirade about covid. It is here. It is part of the world we all navigate daily whether we like it not. I pray this space is about exposing lies and inserting truth. Lies come in all shapes, sizes, and packages. They are dressed to deceive. They can appear logical and safe, wise even. We can so easily tell lies and believe lies with no foul intention at all because those lies counterfeit the truth so well. Satan the deceiver is good at his job.

Jesus tells the truth because He is truth. (John 14:6)

The world told us not too long ago to remain six feet apart. Six feet would keep us safe. Six feet would protect others. Just six feet of distance. Yet, I have found those first six feet are a critical piece to the puzzle of life.

Jesus tells us to go into all the world and preach the gospel (Mark 16:15), and no matter where you go to fulfill that commandment and calling upon your life as a Christ-follower, your influence only begins within the first six feet of interaction with another person. Your influence is the first six feet in diameter around you. The six feet in diameter around you at any point in time during your day is your ministry. That is your mission field. It’s within this six feet Jesus broke bread and ate with sinners. It’s within six feet the bleeding woman found healing just touching his cloak. When Christ said, “Let the little children come unto Me (Matthew 19:14),” I’m sure He didn’t stop them at six feet. When He commands us to visit the prisoner and care for orphans and widows, this is done most effectively within the first six feet.

I just feel like it’s important to notice, call out, and debunk the lies our world so gently sells us or plasters to the ground every six feet inside a store.

You see, the devil knows the power of those first six feet. He knows how a hug gives comfort and hope. He knows how learning from someone and with someone side-by-side builds trust, loyalty, and a sense of camaraderie and belonging. To be in someone’s presence is to be seen, to be heard, and to be known. Go look up the term “deep fake” to see just how far the devil has used technology to remove truth from our daily lives. His plan is to isolate, separate, and divide, then attack, steal, kill, and destroy. Just watch any nature channel hunt to understand how separation from the herd leads to death.

Truth is a Person (John 14:6). Truth lives and breathes (Hebrews 4:12). It moves and has substance and purpose (Acts 17:28). Truth touches your soul as physically as a helping hand. Truth can hurt, but usually far less when a healthy relationship is in place. Because truth is a Person and not an idea, it can be observed over time, shared in trusted, intimate spaces, and be held with your own two hands when you read the inerrant words breathed by God Himself in the Bible (2 Timothy 3:16-17). All within six feet. To do any of this from a further distance or vantage point, is to be an observer, not someone who experiences. It’s the difference between being a follower in the crowd of Jesus or a disciple of Jesus. If you want to be in the room where it happens, you get up close and personal with the One who makes it all happen.

Not only do I want to be always within six feet of my Jesus, but I also want Him to use me as His hands and feet. I want to be the ambassador for Christ He calls me to be within the six feet of influence He gives me every day (2 Corinthians 5:20). Right now, that six feet mostly touches the lives of the three people living inside these four walls with me. So, I’m asking the Lord to open the eyes of my heart to the perimeter of my six feet of influence at any point in time and give me the words to speak and actions to take within my window of opportunity and influence. To the grocer ringing me up at the store or the self-checkout clerk. To the neighbor walking their dog on my trip to the mailbox. To the police officer who shows up at my door when I accidentally set my alarm off. To the woman who sits near me at Bible study, but I don’t know her name. To the soccer mom at practice who doesn’t know me and my story.

Every interaction with another person within six feet is an opportunity to share the light of Jesus with an ever-darkening world. Sometimes that person just needs to see you smile. They need you to make eye contact and see them. They may need you to hold their door or return their shopping cart. They may need the respect of a handshake or the gift of an attentive listener.

My world is small these days. My six feet of influence feels smaller than usual, but the truth is it’s always been six feet no matter what. My family are the ones who experience those six feet of influence the most, and I can choose to share it with them willingly with a joyful heart or allow sour attitudes to scare them away, making them flee away from my circle of influence. One day soon, their feet won’t pass through that circle so regularly and so close. I don’t want to waste my days of ministry at home yearning for days of ministry outside my home. No matter where I am, my field of influence is still only going to be six feet.

So, for now, I spend my days crafting Bible verses to pin to bulletin boards, tape to mirrors, and sprinkle in decoration around my home because that’s my six feet of ministry. I walk through the house and put things where they belong, straightening, organizing, creating a space for my family to feel at ease and safe—creating a space where than can feel seen, heard, and known because that’s my current six feet of influence. I walk around our home and say prayers for their future husband and wife as I pick up their messes and roll my eyes at their carelessness.

My six feet of influence may not always be full of people, but it is always full of Jesus. He walks with me, talks with me, and assures me I am His and I am doing His work. When my six feet needs to cross paths with more people, He is fully capable of making that happen. So, I endeavor to remain faithful in the talents He has entrusted, to steward what He has gifted well—that includes my time, energy, thoughts, and emotions, not just my money and my skills.

I cannot control or hope to influence outside of my six feet. None of us can. Therefore, Facebook rants and tirades in comments to others will never effect change. There’s too much distance between the influencer and the influenced. We must close the gap. It’s why rallies and peaceful protests can be effective—real people, rubbing shoulders inside each others’ six feet for a cause that matters to them.

Who gets to experience your six feet of influence? Do you need to reprioritize who those people are? Do you need to take time to bring your six feet closer to home? Or do you need to get out and take it to more people? Both are needed. Both are important. Where is God wanting you to steward your six feet of influence for this season of your life? Have you stopped to ask Him? Do you stay within six feet of His presence at all times, so you’re ready to turn on a dime when He says to the right or to the left? (Isaiah 30:21)

“Lord, break my heart for what breaks Yours. Keep me needing to be in Your presence. Use me to bring salt and light to a hurting world. May the six feet of influence You’ve given me for this life be used to glorify You and lead others to my Jesus and the abundant life He can fit into just six feet of diameter.”

Speak With Care

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Ephesians 4:29

Her text stung. Sharp. She was a dear friend. Why would she respond to me that way? I quelled the gut instinct to shoot back something snarky. Instead, the hurt took root. I wanted to call her and talk about how badly the text hurt. Work it out. Tell her the truth about what she had said and how she had spoken was unkind to me. Another friend, privy to the situation, wisely pointed out she had sent the text out of her own place of hurt.

I took a step back to consider and realized this was true. My dear friend loved me, but the conversation we were having at the time of the incident had struck a deep chord of hurt in herself. I had done nothing wrong, but the truth I had given her had been too much to bear, so she defended by lashing out.

Hurting people hurt people. I had a choice to make. Be the hurting person or be like Jesus.

Jesus was hurt by hurting people. Rejected by his hometown. Denied by Peter, one of His closest friends. Betrayed by Judas, another close friend. Jesus felt disappointment. He knew the burning irrationality of being offended. He was tempted to turn His back on the ungrateful. He had feelings too. I believe for Him to understand my struggles in life, those feelings got hurt.

But He handled it all with grace and gentility, truth and love. Every wounded, hurting person handled with care. He never excused the adulterous woman’s sin, but He also did not condemn her. He got His hands dirty with spit and mud healing some. He was thrown out of towns for healing others. Somehow, the way He spoke to the woman at the well made her love Him more, even though He pointed out her every wrong.  

The hurting who encountered Jesus were not always told truth, but they were always shown love.

Jesus set the example for how to handle the hurting. I’m sure He felt the rub of wanting to speak truth, correct, guide, offer advice, but in His wisdom, He chose to simply show up and be present instead. He must have felt that sensation in the pit of your stomach when you don’t want to say something, but you know you must, so in His wisdom He spoke truth with grace out of love and concern and in the need of the moment. (Ephesians 4:29)

Our conviction and passion are too often received as condemnation when they are not delivered in a package wrapped by love and grace and given amid relationship.

It’s our motives that need a quick check. Speak the truth God has revealed to you but with the intention to show love. Speak it with the intention of offering grace to someone drowning in shame. Speak it to offer a hand of camaraderie or commissary, letting the other person know you are with them and for them. Take time to build or repair the foundation of the relationship, gaining trust, before speaking hard truths.

Because truth is an anchor. It is sturdy and solid. It will ground your faith; be a firm foundation. It will not move when the storms of life come. But it is heavy. To a drowning person, it is heavy. To a person soaring high in the clouds of life, it can be heavy. To the person on a long journey, it is heavy.

Truth may be exactly what someone needs, but you may need to get in the water and help them tread with the weight of it. You may need to be the counterbalance to the weight of the truth, keeping them from crashing. You may need to join them on their journey before you hand them truth to take with them.

Jesus got His hands dirty. He spent hours eating and conversing inside the homes of the hurting. He made Himself available for one-on-one conversations. In those moments, in those ways, when He was doing life with people, He spoke hard truths. Then He offered Himself as the means to help them carry and live that truth.

The sooner we accept we are all hurting people hurting people, the sooner we can get around to figuring out how to be healing people that help each other heal. If I’m not the hurting person, my words and actions can be a healing a help, building up my friend according to the need of the moment. Benefiting her heart and mine.

I Am A Liar

I am a liar. Or at least I’m a person that sometimes lies. Today I had to own it. I had to call a spade a spade. I’m dealing with some inward spiraling, mostly around avoiding potential conflicts and hurting other people’s feelings, and in the middle of the spiral, I started reading this book our church is working through together—Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Peter & Geri Scazzero.

Ever heard of it? The first chapter was a gut punch and a reality check all at the same time. Not sure I can stomach the rest of the book, but the best things in life are hard work and worth the effort, so let’s do this, right?

Bring on the emotional maturing.

Basically, I realized in reading just the first chapter of the book I am not as spiritually mature as I like to think. There are many items on the list of things labeling me emotionally immature, but the lying thing got to me.

I can confidently say, calling myself a liar is not a statement of my identity. I know at my core a liar is not who I am. No one who knows me even a little would call me a liar. Integrity matters to me. It is probably the number one reason I married my husband. He has more integrity in his little finger than Mother Theresa on a good day. Exaggerating a smidge, maybe, but he often wonders why I chose him when my standards are so unattainably high, and well, that’s why. I couldn’t find a man with more integrity. I digress….

In identity, I agree I am not a liar, but I do lie. And it happens at the worst possible moments for me. Moments when I’m given a chance to really speak how I’m feeling, to put it out there. Like when someone checks in after an emotionally charged discussion:

Someone: So, are we ok? Everything between us is good?

Me: (Long pause) Yes. I think so. Yes. I’m good. We’re fine. (Big smile. Hug if necessary. Change the subject.)

Liar! What I realized today is the thought process I went through in the above “Long Pause.” You know, the one where the someone is probably thinking I’m taking time to contemplate a truthful answer.

Instead, during that long pause, inside my head sounds something like this:

Am I ok? Are we good? I don’t know. I don’t feel ok. Things don’t feel good. But feelings lie, and the truth is this person loves me and I love them, so I’m sure my feelings will follow and align later. I also really don’t have the emotional energy to keep having this conversation right now in this format. Things have been a tad heated and uncomfortable, and I don’t want our time together to be soured. I’ll be ok. We’re good. Things are good.

So, I lie.

What results is an uneasy space between me and someone because truthfully, I’m not fine, and we’re not good. They choose to believe me (because I’m not a liar) but might leave feeling confused by the space between us. Fellowship is broken because there’s no resolution, conclusion, or agreement to disagree, no true understanding because I lied to avoid the avalanche of feelings building inside me.

And boy do they build! Not only can I not get my feelings of being ok to align later, I continue to spin on the conversation, realizing bullet point by bullet point how I’m hurt and offended, how my offense is not out of line, misplaced or unbiblical. But now what? I lied. I told them I was fine.

And that’s just one example of one conversation. Honestly, my knee jerk reaction is to lie in ANY uncomfortable, possibly confrontational situation.

Want me to share my real feelings, but I’m feeling like I can’t trust you because of past offenses? I’ll lie.

Put me in a position where I’m faced with the choice of telling you the truth or hurting your feelings? I might lie.

Back me in a corner, put me on the defensive? I might try lying, appearing like I agree with you, before I let the claws come out.

Why??? Because confrontation sucks. Because our world and our culture has progressively taken away our need and opportunity for face to face conversation. Because if you’re only going to be able to spend limited time with a person at lunch, on the phone, etc., why would you want to spend that time in conflict or even just mild disagreement? Our lack of overall social interaction has led to soul-crushing social anxiety crippling our ability to be honest, real, vulnerable, and authentic. Ultimately, we walk around never feeling truly heard or understood.

Honest, real, vulnerable, authentic conversations require treading into deeper, unknown waters. Sometimes we step on each others' feelings in those murky waters. It doesn't have to be a relationship damaging experience, but we're out of practice. For me, a little lie takes me back to shallower waters, but I just robbed myself and the other person of something authentic and vulnerable--of something true.

It's difficult to even put these words into writing, much less publish them! Now, I’m giving the general public a reason to distrust me, a reason to label me as a bad friend, bad Christian, untrustworthy person. I’m exposing my underbelly, and a voice in my head hisses, “This only makes you weaker, less valuable, less worthy.”

But I know the voice of my Good Shepherd (John 10:27). He doesn’t hiss. He beckons. He calls with longing. He speaks with concern and genuine compassion and love. He sheds light on my character flaw to lie in these situations, and whispers, “You don’t have to do that anymore. You are a new creation seated with me in the heavenlies. You are not a liar, so don’t lie. Believe that and step into it. Live unafraid because I’ve got your back. You are never alone. I am the Truth. Speak from My Spirit empowering you every day.” (2 Corinthians 5:17, Ephesians 2:6, Isaiah 54:17, Isaiah 41:10, John 14:6, John 16:13)

So, what now? When God reveals some ground He wants to conquer in our life, what do we do?

For me, the next time I’m faced with that situation, I feel those uncomfortable, unsure emotions, I won’t dismiss them. I won’t avoid the conflict inside me. I will have a choice to speak truth for myself. To say the words, “I don’t know how I’m feeling right now. I don’t feel fine. Things don’t feel good. I may need some more time to process.” Will that leave a highly uncomfortable space between me and someone else? Probably, but it will be truthful, sincere and authentic. I’m not hiding behind pleasantries. I can be free to circle back to the conversation, to table it for another day, to express my love for the other person, but my desire for time to speak truthfully.

My fellow family, friends, believers, and countrymen—It is time we take back the art of conversation. It is time we press into hard words to say, difficult topics to broach, and heavy emotions that have a purpose and were created by God to put us on notice.

I am not a liar. Anymore. By the precious shed blood of Christ.(Colossians 3:3-4) So, I don’t want to lie anymore. May God’s grace, truth, dignity, poise, and gentleness be evident in how I choose to interact with those around me. And when I screw up—because I will, again and again and again—may I have the humility it takes to go to those I’ve wronged and tell them I lied to them, asking for their forgiveness. Maybe it will open a new vein of conversation, maybe it won’t. But my conscience will be clear before the Lord, speaking the truth will set me free inside and out.

All sin ensnares, traps, entangles, and imprisons. Much of my sin is very inward. For me, outward sin is a sign something has been going wrong on the inside for a long time. It just finally leaked or exploded out. The truth sets us free, and Jesus is the Truth.(John 8:31-32) Being honest about my sins, confessing them out loud is an opportunity for accountability, a cry for community, a plea for help. There’s nothing wrong about any of those, nothing weak about coming clean and asking for help to stay that way. That’s meekness and brokenness on display for the glory of God because it’s His voice that beckons me to walk in the light of truth.

Our world says to hide your weaknesses or work on improving them. 

My Jesus says His power is perfectly displayed when I own my weakness, and He loves me regardless.(2 Corinthians 12:9) Sanctification—all that improving—is His job. Obedience is mine.

Maybe lying isn’t your struggle. Maybe your vice is greed, lust, lack of compassion, apathy, jealousy, wrath—the list goes on and on. If we were honest, we all struggle with any of these many times a day in different situations.  The challenge is can we own it. Can we see the ugly for what it is, call it by its name, and let Jesus conquer that ground in our life by making it new with His Truth? Are you walking close enough to Jesus’ light to even see the ugly things and acknowledge they are there?

Every day I’m more and more grateful I serve a God who loves me too much to leave me in the sinful state He found me. His deepest desire is for me to become exactly who He originally created me to be, so He keeps spotlighting one little area at a time and taking back ground in my life I didn’t even know I had given up to the enemy or needed to be conquered.

Following Jesus makes me stronger. He makes me better. No one else gets the credit for that.

Response to a World on Fire

My brain has been in overdrive. For like, all of quarantine. I feel like the world is going mad, literally.

People are out there somewhere setting things on fire. Black people are dying. Cops are dying. There’s a literal area of anarchy inside the city of Seattle. I can’t read a single article that anyone posts online without dismissing it as biased and/or grossly misleading or bent. Since I follow people from all political persuasions, I stomach the hatred and apathy that spews from all sides. Oh, and there’s a virus of some importance in there still pulling punches when you step away from the screen time.

I’m white, upper-middle class and college-educated. Anything I post is automatically dismissed through those lenses. Even being female isn’t in my favor these days, because of the latter and my mostly conservative Christian beliefs, I just automatically get lumped in with all the Women for Trump ladies, even though I never voted for the man. If you don’t know me, you don’t know my story.

The same can be said for every, single person posting on social media. It’s easy to lie about yourself and others from the other side of a screen. It’s easy to paint someone the victim in one essay and the criminal in another when the truth might be, they were both.

Truth. My brain physically aches from desiring and seeking truth. I find myself savoring the time I can spend in God’s Word because it’s literally the only thing I read all day long that I KNOW is true.

It’s tempting to disconnect from all social media and choose to live in my white, suburbia bubble and pretend this will pass. This won’t touch me. Then I try to leave my home and go shopping, and the fear, condemnation, confusion, and anger is palpable in those around me. It’s as physically suffocating as the mask they want us to wear.

I sit back and watch the drama unfold across my screens, and I wonder if people know. Do they know they are puppets in a grander scheme? If you pick a side, the mainstream media is tailoring all the articles that come across your page to support your side. Oddly enough, when you don’t pick sides, when you see things from all sides and many angles, especially in the light of loving Jesus and the Bible, my news stream is silent. They feed me zero information as if to keep me silent. I wonder why that is?

Might it be because my relationship with Christ makes me a beacon of actual truth in a world where it simply cannot be found because the powers that be are betting they can blot it out?

Truth says we ALL have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. (Romans 3:23)

But I can’t #alllivesmatter without being against #blacklivesmatter for some reason. And if I #bluelivesmatter, I better be prepared for the wrath that follows—the unfriending, unfollowing, and hate from the other side.

I can’t be pro-life without being against women’s rights for some reason.

Covid-19 is either a hoax or a pandemic worthy of all the hype. There’s no space for someone to be in the middle.

You can be Republican, Democrat, Progressive, Libertarian, etc., but who do you vote for when not one candidate represents all your views?

If someone believes gender is defined by biology, somehow that means they’re against the entire LGBT community.

If you don’t pick a side, you don’t belong. You don’t have a place. You don’t have a voice. I genuinely fear showing support for anything because if you don’t know me, you make assumptions about me based on my gender, race, and socio-economic status that may or may not be true if you don’t have a conversation with me. A face-to-face conversation. Over tea and gouda grits.

All my friends who rant and post hateful comments about the president or BLM or LGBT or vaccines or covid-19 or politics, can I tell you what I see? I don’t see your passion for change. I see your hate. I see your explicatives, the derogatory language you use and your boldness to willingly cut people out of your lives that don’t agree with you.

I see the hate that exists within yourself while you claim to be fighting against hate. How can you fight something that exists within you? And while my initial response was anger as well, now I want to weep for every person who lives enslaved and engulfed by rage and fear.

Truth says we are by nature children of wrath unless we belong to the family of God, and even still, we will battle that nature. (Ephesians 2:3, Galatians 5:16-17)

Brothers and sisters in Christ, if you claim the title of Christian and profess to be in relationship with Jesus Christ, then the actions of your life must follow His words and footsteps as well. The words you type on a screen for the world to see must promote Christ, the Light of the World, in an ever-darkening world. Those who don’t know Him, won’t share Him. We are His ambassadors. (2 Corinthians 5:20)

Jesus created and loves ALL life. So, when I #alllivesmatter, what I’m saying is I support the unborn life, the orphan, the widow, the foreigner, the law-abiding cop, the peaceful protester, every race and tribe and tongue. I want them all to live in truth, walk in truth, and find truth.

So maybe it’s time we Christians flood our feeds with the Truth instead of reposting what the mainstream media is feeding us or posting nothing at all. And just a reminder that if the entire article isn’t true, every word, every angle, isn’t true, even if one sentence or picture is misleading or hides part of reality, then it’s a lie. I don’t want to be a proponent or perpetuator of lies. And since I don’t have the time to fact check every article that comes across my feed with eye witness corroboration, I just won’t repost unless it’s my story to share or the story of someone I actually know and trust. And by “know and trust,” I mean someone with whom I regularly speak.

I wonder if all our worlds would shrink to a more manageable size if we took this approach. If we only supported people we knew personally, I wonder if our personal influence would increase even if our public influence decreased. It would mean less likes and less friends, but more real conversations, more actual influence for change instead of inciting of rage.

If you profess to follow Christ, now is the time to be the light. If silence is violence, then not speaking God’s Truth into the darkness is the real crime against humanity. Maybe I get labeled a Jesus-freak, maybe I’m cursed up one side and down the other for not ever choosing a side, maybe my voice is silenced online by those who don’t want the Truth to be shared.

Ah. But God. He is greater than all the powers that be in this world. His message will be delivered in one way or another if we will only be faithful to take it and share it, and even in our unfaithfulness, I believe His plan will be accomplished. How will you choose to share God’s Truth today and every day? Do you share His Truth more than you share the opinions of this world on your social media feed? Do you intake His Truth, His comments on life equal to or more than the comments and posts of this world? If not, why not? Instead of choosing to post nothing, could you choose to share what you know to be true, something you can back 100%?

That parched, anxious feeling in your soul—it’s your spirit trying to tell you it’s dehydrated for Truth. Brothers and sisters fill up with Living Water then go take it to your people.

 #istandwithJesus

Grateful to be His,

Jennifer Durham

Where I Am: A Covid-19 Reflection

Saturday I was supposed to fly to Kenya. On mission trip. With my husband. Just us, serving together. It was going to be my first time on the African continent. There was going to be a safari and wild animals involved at some point. Even more exciting to me, I was going to get to hug the neck of a missionary friend we’ve supported from afar for almost twenty years. It was going to be the best way I could spend my fortieth birthday. The best representation of how I want my life to be remembered and known—serving others, loving like Jesus, always on an adventure, and of course some animal love.

Enter COVID-19.

It canceled Kenya, a camping trip, most likely my backpacking trip with my sister to Zion National Park, probably even my mom’s visit, and maybe more. This was my last year with some of the senior girls I’ve been in small group with since they were freshmen. While my heart aches for my own disappointments, it aches doubly for the disappointments they are experiencing. It aches for all the families whose paychecks will be directly affected by this quarantine.

And I sit at home with my family and have nothing better to do but sit and ponder and think and whine. Oh, poor me. Oh, poor us. The pity party can be real.

I watch people who are still refusing to social distance. Part of me gets angry. Why should they still get to hang with their friends? Part of me gets scared—the longer people wait to social distance, the longer this thing goes on. I waffle between self-righteous justice and sulking defeat. You can’t make people do what they don’t want to do. Heck, even if it came down to a military state, I swear the surfers would still find a way to surf.

We are all innately selfish and driven toward our own self-satisfaction and self-preservation. Considering the “greater good” does not come naturally. It’s why we hoard toilet paper because what if I need it? Forget everyone else. Sometimes we’re also judgmental and self-righteous, believing our way and our words are a better source of direction and light to a less enlightened world.  Hence the public shaming and calling out over social media. The pride at the root of either end of the spectrum makes my skin crawl.

Sitting at home with all these thoughts, I am forced to face the depravity and selfishness of my own mind and heart. I’m forced to consider the fact that part of me wants to give the middle finger to the government and the virus and board an airplane to anywhere out of pure rebellion. There are no distractions right now to keep me from facing that ugly, rebellious heart in the mirror of my mind. My thoughts cannot be drowned by my schedule currently, and I’m not sure I like what’s underneath. Sin. Ugly, prideful, selfish sin. Sometimes in my polished Christian world, I can forget that I’m included in the “all” of Romans 3:23. Full of sin and fallen short.

Enter Jesus. Like a breath of fresh air (Ezekiel 37:5), honey sweet to the taste (Psalm 119:103), He is transformative truth.

Because He reminds me ever so softly to look around and appreciate (Hebrews 12:28). To open disillusioned eyes to what I do have instead of what I don’t (Colossians 4:2). This is hard. Way harder than wallowing and throwing a pity party.

I started to list my blessings. Each of us have things we can be grateful for. Each of us have our own unique set of circumstances where we can find the silver linings that mean something to us, if not to everyone. Like, I can sleep in. Not everyone enjoys sleeping in as much as I do, but I really do. It’s a silver lining for me. Some of my California friends may be enjoying the sound of the rain on the rooftop, a rare sound in this part of the country. Others may be relishing the gift of unscheduled time because their life is always over-scheduled. We can all find silver linings.

It’s these small, miniscule blessings that can get lost in the noise of everyday life. Like the whisper of God Himself to Elijah (1 Kings 19:12-13), life can drown out my Best Friend’s voice. The busyness can distract from the callings my Jesus has given me. The constant need to entertain or perform can drown creativity and innovation. Now, quite unexpectedly, we’ve all been given a reason to throw all our excuses out the window. Lack of time is no longer an excuse. Being too busy is no longer an excuse. I dare say, even being too tired is no longer an excuse for some.

God, in His infinite wisdom, has created a space in time where our excuses don’t hold up anymore. If you’re like me, you might be forced to face the truth that there are things in life you just don’t want to do. There are responsibilities you know you have; you don’t want to admit you’ve been pushing to the back burner of life for all the previously listed excuses. That currently don’t exist.

God has created a space where we can be gently confronted with ourselves and make a choice to change, to create new habits, to prioritize what really matters. Then, He’s given us the time to make it happen.

That conversation you’ve been meaning to have with someone, have it.

That phone call you’ve been meaning to make, make it.

That text message you keep forgetting to send, send it.

That talk with your kids? your spouse? Make it happen.

That thing you’ve always wanted to teach yourself or your kids, do that.

Write. Read. Sing. Talk. Listen. Play. These are all ways we’ve forgotten how to connect because of being too busy, too tired, or not having enough time.

Today I laid on my couch and wallowed in my disappointment, in the loss of all the things I was looking forward to. I drowned my thoughts in meaningless television shows, watching my kids do the same on their own devices. I didn’t want to eat. Wasn’t tired enough to actually sleep until I got depressed enough to nap for an hour. It was miserable, friends. 

The point? It takes work and effort to find ways to connect with others in meaningful ways. Even in my own home. Maybe especially in my own home. But we were designed by God for relationship and for work. He knew it was good for our souls from the very beginning (Genesis 2:15, 18). So, I’m going to go make myself a daily schedule, and Lord-willing, I’ll keep it. But it won’t be easy because my couch and television and cozy blankets are right there. It will be worth it because I will be a good steward of the gift of time the Lord has given during this season.

This is not how I wanted to spend the week of my fortieth birthday. This is not how I want to remember this benchmark year of life. But the hard truth is, I’ve been given an opportunity to write my own script to how the days ahead will play out in my home. An adventure my kids will remember being a part of instead of looking back on it in pictures. I want my family to look back on this time and remember it the way I wanted for Kenya—we served others, loved Jesus, made each day an adventure, and loved on some animals 😂 (We do have two dogs and two guinea pigs in this house.)

I don’t know how long this quarantine will last, but I know my callings in life haven’t changed. My sphere of influence may shrink, but that doesn’t matter because I’m only ever living for an audience of One anyway.

“Thank you, Jesus, for helping me process through to a perspective shift for today. I know more hard days are ahead, but I trust Your plan. Tomorrow will be a better day because Your truth makes the difference. May my hands not be idle, and my work continue to reflect You in me. May I never doubt the importance of Your mantle as my family watches. Thank you for being gentle with my disappointed heart. Your gracious understanding is more than I deserve. Amen.”

Grateful to be His, Jennifer

No Record To Keep: Learning to Love Well

There’s a strong sense of justice to my character that God and I wrestle over sometimes. For things to be fair and right and the same and equal are deep seated beliefs that are just part of who I am. 

It’s funny though. I can freely accept on a large, global scale that sin is a part of our world and inevitably has its effect on martyred Christians, corrupt governments, and aborted babies. I can accept that “Vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord (Romans 12:17-19)” on a global scale, that one day in His perfect righteousness and justice, God is going to make these things right. 

But on a personal level? When I struggle with a low emotional and relational return in my relationships, I start to pout and wonder why I can’t get back out of relationships what I choose to invest. Where’s my justice? Why don’t others treat me the way I treat them? Invest in me the way I invest in them? Text, call, share, invite, include?

Am I not entitled to certain privileges and trust in different relationships based on my past faithfulness and trustworthiness?

You see, I care deeply about all the relationships God puts in my life, so when I start to come unglued and off-centered from Christ’s perspective on people, on His definition of loving others, I become the very, ugly self-centered, unreasonable person I judge others to be. In my heart, I become the horrible friend I think they’re being. 

Thoughts run rampant….

I did this for them, why can’t they just do…..

I was there for them when (blank) happened, is it too much to expect the same in return?

I spent money and time to do (blank), and they won’t do….

She doesn’t talk to me the way she does so and so. 

He doesn’t include me in his life, the way he does that person. 

I know they’re on their phone all the time, I guess it’s just my texts they’re ignoring. 

Lord, help me! Even I’m disgusted at the selfishness dripping off the page above, but in my mind these ugly thoughts spin justified and dark and depressing, eating me and my joy alive. And Satan smirks in a corner delightfully tapping his fingertips together thinking, “Yes! Here she goes again! (Evil laugh)”

So how do you stop the cycle? Should some relationships in my life “owe” me? Am I justified to feel used or betrayed or frustrated that I care about someone more than they care about me? What is truth?

Truth is 1 Corinthians 13. Love keeps no record of wrongs. Love believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. If there is a relationship in my life where I have been called to love, and yet feel unloved, unseen, or forgotten, I have to take that to Jesus because I can’t make another person see this. 

Some people would say confront the other person. Real friends can speak truth in love and make it through to the other side. I’m not convinced this is true because at our core, we’re all sinful humans, prone to getting hurt easily and hurting others easily. I’m not saying be politically correct and walk on eggshells with those you love all the time, but I am saying go to Jesus first. 

I’m saying take that relationship to Him in prayer over and over and over again until He gives you both the opportunity and the words to speak. And not your words, but His. For me, I often end up having to ask for forgiveness for my own self-centeredness before He helps me let go of the hurt and the right to expect anything from anyone. 

Is that why I love them?  Because of how they should love me in return? Father, forgive me!!! If God loves all of us this way, we’d be eternally screwed. I fail to return His extravagant love for me every. day. He hasn’t stopped being my Friend, yet. 

So when I get in a funk, in the bad spiral, I go back to truth. The truth is I love others because Christ first loved me (1 John 4:19). It is my privilege to be a conduit of His love to the world around me. It is love that is freely given and covered by grace. Why should I not do the same for others? In a perfect world, my love would be perfectly returned, but I’m sinful and the people I love are sinful, and if there’s something we could all use more of, it’s grace.

Because at any given moment in time, I don’t know what kind of story the other person is living. 

I might be feeling forgotten, but they are feeling overwhelmed. 

I’m feeling unseen and unappreciated while they’re feeling like they’re drowning. 

I’m having a bad day while their life is falling apart. 

What we perceive to be true rarely is. Only God knows the truth and offers truth. Only through His eyes can we see what others can’t or won’t or don’t. So if I don’t submit every relationship to Him in prayer, every hard feeling, every unmet expectation, I’m probably missing something big. Something big in the other person’s life that I need Jesus to help me see. Maybe something hard I could step into with them instead of being something else hard for them to manage. 

And at the end of this life, it really won’t matter if other people treated me with this same grace because the truth is, I’m not living this life for them—at least not if I’m in the right frame of mind. The truth is I love Jesus, and Jesus loves me extravagantly above and beyond what I could ask for or think to deserve or even desire; therefore, in its purest form, loving others is quite literally just the overflow of God’s love flowing into me. 

So I have no record to keep because it wasn’t my love flowing out from me into others to begin with. 

And the truth of that statement sits with me now like an explosion just went off in my brain because I don’t think I ever realized or believed the depth of that truth until it got typed on a page. 

When it comes to loving others, God gets all the credit because He actually IS Love(1 John 4:7-8). I have no record to keep of the love I’ve given because I’ve only ever been a conduit for what was given to me first. Just a conduit, an aqueduct, an earthly vessel to carry God’s love from point A to point B. 

There is freedom in this, friends! Freedom to release others of all expectations. Freedom to let go of the need for reciprocation in any relationship. Freedom to release myself of keeping score, of wondering if I’m investing too much or too little in this relationship. So much freedom!

All I have to do is keep loving Jesus most and seeking Him first at all times in all ways. This alone is hard enough without trying to take the temperature of every other relationship in my life. It’s no wonder this earthen vessel of clay breaks so often. I get to be the carrier of the love, not the creator of it. 

No one owes me anything, but everyone owes Jesus everything. My prayer in this truth now becomes ever so passionately, “When others see me, Lord, may they only see You. Let me be okay being invisible if You are visible. Let the love I carry be untainted by my own fleshly desires. Create in me a clean heart, O God (Psalm 51:10). Clean my insides completely, so the love I carry is pure enough to reflect only back to You. I have nothing to offer but You, Jesus. Use me as You see fit.”

Will You Follow?

I have believed many lies in my brief 30+ years on earth.  Some of them were taught to me, but I'm learning more and more that most of them are simply part of me, part of how I think, part of being human.  The lie that got my attention today is being a Christian should be easy, or at least easier.

Now where this lie originated (the devil!) in my life, I'm not sure.  Maybe it's been all the years of "I can do all things through Christ," or "with Christ living through you anything is possible," or "just lean on the Lord, He will get you through."  Now, there is truth in all of those statements, but when you've been a professing Christian since you were four years old, and it hasn't gotten easier yet?  As a matter of fact, I'd say it's actually gotten harder to live the Christian walk?  How do you make sense of it?  What's the truth?  What do you tell your children?  Because Lord knows I never want to knowingly lie to them!  How do you honestly convince people in general that this straight and narrow path is really worth it?

My girl had a tough go of it at school for a few days, bringing home yellow faces instead of green on her behavior card.  As soon as she would get in the car, she would break down into tears and just cry, "It's just so hard to obey, mommy!"  And I'd have to sigh and rub her leg and agree.  Yes, it is very hard to obey.

It's actually easier to choose to do the wrong thing.  In that moment in time when the wrong choice beckons you to follow down the crowded, wide path where everyone appears to be having a party, it is EXTREMELY difficult to choose the narrow road no one seems to be choosing.  And isn't that what every decision, EVERY decision boils down to?  In a split second of time, when your flesh is tugging you in one direction and the Spirit in the other, it is very hard to obey.

Here's the catch though.  Every decision comes with consequences, some positive, some negative, but every decision is followed by consequences.  Some consequences are immediate, be they positive or negative.  Some consequences fester in the heart and mind and soul over time and are played out in months and years to come, but every person reading should be assured that EVERY decision has consequences.

So the real decision in that moment should be, what consequences do I want?  Do I want the added calories and fat from the chocolate bar in the aisle which will not benefit me toward my weight loss goal?  Or do I want to forgo those calories and focus on the fact that my body is slowly getting into shape and I need to do whatever little bit I can to help it out?  See, the question really isn't do I want the candy bar?

The question is do I want the consequences of choosing the candy bar?

And teaching this, teaching this kind of thinking to our children is more than difficult. We live in a microwaveable, instantly downloadable, always accessible society. Instant results and answers have become the norm. Thinking about anything for any length of time or heaven forbid, actually having to spend time in a library doing actual hard-copy research has become antiquated and somewhat extinct. You have a question? You google it. You want a discount? You google search for that or download an app. You want a very specific thing of any sort? Google search and buy anything you can describe online. Instant gratification all the time, any time, from anywhere.

It's no wonder our children grow up thinking they deserve it all. They kinda have it all at their finger tips. It's no wonder they shy away from working hard for anything. They aren't required to work harder than what their fingers can search for on the internet. Yet this is the time and place that God chose for them live, and as a parent, I have to accept and embrace this fact, seeking the Lord for how to best guide them through this life, their world, our world.

Everything in our lives is either orchestrated by God or allowed by God. Argue the semantics of this all you want, but this truth is hard to swallow. Children die every day, leaving behind grieving parents, yet God is still a good God. That is a hard truth to believe. God is sovereign over all governing authorities. That is a hard truth to accept.

When you start to strip down to the bare bones of who God is, we mere humans are left with hard truths, hard paths, hard choices. And still the question will beckon, 'Will you follow Me?'

Will you follow Jesus when His ways are not your ways, when His choices are not your choices, when His politics don't align with your politics, when His definitions of things don't match your beliefs? Will you follow Him through the green meadows of life AND the fiery furnaces that feel a whole lot like Hell? Will you follow Jesus when you can't Google or study to find a suitable answer to your greatest questions? Will you follow Him when it makes absolutely no sense to do so other than He's calling?

At the beginning, in the middle, and at the end of all the hard roads, the only question you really have to answer, every second of every day, is: Will you follow?

And sometimes, most times, by faith, you say yes to that question for no.good.reason. I find as I get older I don't always have the right answers for everything, most things actually. I find I don't want to explain all the decisions I choose to make. (I should be ready to defend my choices, but not feel the need to publicly announce and justify my choices. Ahem--Facebook.)

The truth is living out the Christian life is hard, most days, most of the time. And while it might not get easier, I will say the perks are sweeter, and nothing quite compares to falling asleep every night knowing you are fully loved, fully accepted, and fully forgiven to live another day.

So to all the Timothy's in my life, the ones younger who for some reason think I might have an inkling of wisdom, I will truthfully tell you this: Choosing to follow Christ in a trusting relationship between you and Him is the hardest mission you will ever choose to accept. Which means it will also be the one with the greatest rewards when it's all said and done. And real Christians believe that truth and live that truth by faith alone, and there's really no amount of explaining that can make it make sense to a critical world. Only the Holy Spirit can do that.

So the question remains, will you follow? In good times and bad, for better or worse? Do you believe you are cherished enough by Jesus to trust Him no matter what? Because sometimes it IS just hard. Good thing the Man I choose to follow is the Creator and Sovereign Lord of the Universe. Talk to anyone. Life is hard regardless of who or what you choose to follow. Wouldn't you rather follow the Man who designed it all from the beginning of time anyway? I'm pretty sure He's the only one that knows the right path to take, even if it doesn't always make sense to me or the people around me.

Confessions of Lifelong Christian

The Christian life is not for the faint of heart, but then again that's also exactly who it's for. It's not easy or idyllic, but it is fulfilling and rewarding. I'm sorry folks, but you don't get to have your cake and eat it too this side of heaven. It's just not going to happen. Christian or non-Christian, this life is going to take its toll and throw plenty of punches, you better have a sure-fire way for experiencing deep, soul joy this side of heaven, or you're just going to burn out.

I found myself recently in a state of utter depletion. It's been a heck of a nine months so far; heck, it's been a roller coaster of emotions for quite some time. If you were to judge my life based solely on what you saw outwardly, our life is pretty idyllic. No arguments. Praise Jesus, my marriage is rooted in Him, my children love Him, and the company my husband works for seeks to glorify God in all they do. That's pretty idyllic, and we take very seriously the job of being good stewards of all the blessings entrusted to us.

But for me, that's always the outward representation of my life, for which I'm deeply grateful, but often feel deeply alone in people understanding the inward, unseen battles that weigh on my heart and mind most days.

Recently, I've fallen off the path a bit. There are no real excuses for why I stopped reading my Bible over  the past three months or so. Nothing that holds water at least. Yes, I'm busy. Serving. Someone. All the time. Yes, I'd rather sleep than wake up early to meet with Jesus. Yes, I have pockets of 10-20 minutes in my day where I could open my Bible, but I'd rather numb out scrolling my phone. Yes, sometimes I have just a few quiet moments in the evening right after the kids have gone to bed, but again, I just want to stare at a screen and let my mind go blank. These are real choices that I choose to make. No excuses.

And since I'm being super honest, I know what I'm choosing not to intake. I know Scripture pierces the heart. Time in God's word often provides insights, enlightenment, and understanding to life. Such knowledge often has a piece to it that requires response or change. I'm tired. All the time. I don't want to change, to respond, to be taught, or to be responsible for whatever information I may intake. So I choose not to take the small moments of time in a day I might be afforded to connect with the Lord. I make that choice.

But I'm also not happy. I feel blah and dead inside. I confess my sins in small prayers throughout the day, praying God will pour more grace and help me. The Spirit is still alive and well inside because I feel deeply convicted all the time for not stopping to spend time with my Jesus. I'm a walking guilt zombie, self-inflicted. It's that feeling of purposely choosing not to take that phone call or answer that text because you think you know how the other person is going to respond. I also have stashed away enough scripture in the recesses of my brain that I can call it to mind as needed, in moments of parenting or downward spiraling when I need a life preserver back to the surface. I listen to nothing but Christian music in hopes it will sustain my mind just enough to keep me moving forward. 

If this sounds like a deeply depressing way to live, it is.  It's miserable. Why don't I just pick up my Bible and spend time with Jesus, you ask? I. Don't. Know. I just don't. Maybe because the few times I have managed to open the pages, the words fell flat or it felt forced or I actually fell asleep in the middle of my Bible! Maybe because when I close my eyes to pray, my mind is bombarded by everything I could be doing instead of this, and I can't switch my brain off, so the frustration of silencing the voices in my head becomes too overwhelming, so I give up, get up, and get moving again.

Don't get me wrong. I love Jesus, and I love my Bible, but I realize how hypocritical that statement sounds when I'm not actually living like I love Jesus and my Bible. What does a person do when you're keenly aware of everything you're doing right and wrong? When you know you are making the wrong choices? When you make the right choices, but feel and experience nothing? What do you do?

Me? I have to confess my sins and ask for help. It's an anti-pride thing that is incredibly humbling, which is probably why it takes so long to break the cycle. Asking for help and support is So. Terribly. Humbling. Embarrassingly humbling. Letting the people I serve on a daily basis know I'm struggling feels very wrong. Why would they let me continue to serve if they knew how deeply I was depleted? If I lose their trust and respect and the blessing of serving them, then what do I have left? I have to be ok. I have to present like I'm ok. Fake it, til you make it, right? 

Jesus says, "Wrong." Not to mention, I'm not fooling anyone, least of all myself. I might can fake out others for a while, but eventually my own knowledge of how I'm doing keeps me ensnared, and confession truly is good for the soul. So in small bits and pieces, I've let the cat out of the bag. I've mentioned my struggles to a friend here or there, finally admitted my negligence to my husband, and if I'm not honest with my small group of high school students when given the chance, they smell a fake from a mile away. Most importantly, I have to take time to confess to my Jesus, and sit in His presence and let Him restore my soul.

And He meets me right where I am every time. He draws close and the Spring of Living Water He offers begins to fill my empty well once again. Why, why, why do I wait so long to confess? Because pride is a powerful force, more powerful and convincing than most of us are prepared to admit and face.  Don't we all try to hide the imperfect, the ugly, the not-good-enough parts of ourselves? And pride looks like all those things; it's the shameful thoughts, attitudes, and choices we knowingly make that we don't want anyone to see or know about us, which means pride inevitably is the true source of what makes us fake, insincere, and unrelatable.

Oh how confession sweeps away pride! I think we don't confess our sinful thoughts to those closest to us because it means showing our vulnerable and often unpleasing, soft underbelly to a could-be wolf. We all know the sting of rejection, the betrayal of our vulnerable self by the voiced disapproval of those closest to us. To confess is to face fear head on, to open up your true self to someone and say, "Will you love me anyway? Will you support me? Forgive me? Encourage me? Take me just as I am?" That's a scary place to stand, even with your most dearest people, maybe especially with your dearest people because their rejection will most definitely devastate the most.

But Jesus never rejects. He always forgives an honest heart and true confession. He draws close where others pull away. He fills what others drain. He gives where others take. He disciplines your actions without piling on disapproval of you as a person. As soon as you confess and repent and turn around to head back to the path, He's already there. He draws close and it's like no time has passed and no distance lost on your journey.

Nothing about the circumstances in my life magically changed when I confessed my sin, when I stopped to actually include my Jesus in my conversations with Him instead of just talking at Him. Literally nothing changed except my perspective and a sense of cleanliness on the inside. The guilt lifted, the unhappiness faded, the misery dissipated. Just like that.

And the dearest people in my life? I took a chance confessing small pieces to them too, and they all responded with support, encouragement, and understanding.  That's how I know they're my dearest people. They nodded heads in understanding and laughed at my brutal honestly (in a good way.) They offered to come along side me and help hold me accountable.  If your people aren't doing that, they may be good friends, but they're not your dearest people. To be able to show your true self to the ones you hold most dear is a treasure, but for me it has required risk, trial and error, and a willingness to be vulnerable and honest, airing my needs and shortcomings even when I'm unsure of how others might respond. The people who need to be your dearest people show their true colors in those moments. 

The hard lesson to learn is that how a person responds to you is not always a personal reflection of you; it is more likely a reflection of that person's own heart and motives in the moment. Jesus' response to my confession is always perfect--perfectly tailored to my needs in the moment, laced with the exact balance of grace and truth and love.

Today I finally gave in. God created a space for me in my busyness to connect with Him alone--no kids, no husband, no plans. I had no more excuses, so I sat with my Bible in front of me in irritation and desperation and asked the question out loud, "Lord, why don't I want to read Your Word?" It's the first time in months I'd actually asked Him a question expecting a response. Nothing. So I took a deep breath and I confessed and let go. I confessed all the wrong thoughts and actions, all the poor, purposeful choices. I just confessed all the ways I know I had screwed up, and I was sorry. Somewhere in the middle of that confession the tears had begun to pour down my face. I picked up my devotion, opened my Bible, and began journaling some answers to questions.

And it felt good. Nothing life shattering was learned or revealed, but I simply enjoyed the act of reading God's Word once again, and when I put the pen down and closed my Bible, it's like all was right with the world again. My empty cup was overflowing once again. Suddenly, I looked forward to tomorrow's devotion. I've been a Christian long enough to know this would happen, but pride doesn't go away with longevity. One might even argue it only increases with age (that's a blog for another day;) Pride and Fear are the root of almost all evils, I'm convinced, and the longer you are a Christian, the stronger you become in the Lord, the harder the Enemy fights using those two minions, He sends stronger waves of Pride and Fear your direction to keep you immobilized.

Three months is a long time to be immobilized, but maybe next time it will only be two ;) Because there will be a next time, but I'm grateful I'm in a relationship with a God who forgives seventy times seven and beyond. He will always be right there when I turn to come back because He never left my side in the dark to begin with.

A Child's Place: My Truth Reminder

I don't know about you, but when you live in a child-centric culture like ours, it's easy to begin doubting oneself on almost every level, every minute of every day. Questions bombard parents on a daily basis that usually come in the form of second-guessing, self-doubt, or self-criticism. Am I my child's protector? Am I accountable for their future? Am I making the right choices to assure their health and safety? Can I ensure their health and safety, really? What's my responsibility and what is just out of my hands? Do the choices I make for my children really direct their future? How much of this is on me and how much of this is on the Lord?

Lately, as my children continue to grow and change, and I think about the teenage years being just around the corner, I find myself in an inner state of worry and turmoil. Am I really doing my best? Have I done all I can do? Am I presently, in this moment, doing all I can do? And my brain spins and mind rages, and that knot in the pit of my stomach tells me I'm missing something or my kids are gonna end up irreparably damaged. To make the voices stop and get off the crazy train, I had to go to Scripture because that's the only place I've ever found reliable truth. I asked, what does the Lord require of me as a parent? On some very light research, here's what I found...

***Children and pain kinda go hand in hand. It's unavoidable, but children are also a source of pure joy in a world where real joy is difficult to experience. They are one of many sources of God's blessing for us here on earth. Genesis 3:16, Psalm 113:9, Proverbs 31:8, 3 John 1:4

***Children often elicit deep, irrational emotions from us. (Guilty and Amen.) Genesis 30:1, 1 Samuel 1:8, 12-16

***Children are a gift from God. A gift, which makes us the receiver of the gift.  We are not the Giver or the Creator of the gift, just the recipient. So like most people should do with gifts, we say thank you, and we cherish what has been given. The gift does not get elevated to a place of prominence and importance in our lives. The person who GIVES the gift does. The Giver gets the recognition and thanks for any recognition their gift may bring. How many times have you been complimented on something only to turn around and deflect the praise to the person who gave you whatever has been complimented? Genesis 33:5, Psalm 127:3

***Children ask us questions to which we are to answer with God's answers; they are to be taught. They are students. We are teachers. This is a Biblical responsibility on their part and ours. We are tasked with developing life-long learners with teachable spirits. This may be our greatest role and goal as a parent. We are to do this in such a way that exhorts and encourages our children, not exasperates or discourages them. Exodus 12:26, Deuteronomy 4:10, Joshua 4:6, 21-22, Psalm 34:11, Ephesians 6:4, Colossians 3:21, 1 Thessalonians 2:11

***Children are recipients of our spiritual and physical inheritance. The trickle down effect is real. Your character matters in this generation and the next. They are to be valued and given provision. Exodus 20:5, 34:7, Numbers 14:18, Deuteronomy 4:40, 5:9, Joshua 14:9, Psalm 78:4-6, Proverbs 13:22, Jeremiah 32:18, 39, Mark 7:27, 2 Corinthians 12:14, Thessalonians 2:7

***Children are God's visuals to us. How we treat our children is suppose to mirror how God treats us. The innocence and purity of children is suppose to remind us of the attitude with which we are to approach God and His kingdom. They are a visual to us (adults) of how we are to approach and receive the kingdom of God in our lives; therefore, all children should be allowed the opportunity to come to Jesus. The disciples were actually rebuked by Christ for trying to keep the children from Him.  Psalm 103:13, Matthew 7:11, Luke 18:15-17

***Children are to obey their parents; therefore, it's our job to see to it they know what it means to obey. We are also responsible for keeping them under control and managing their behavior. That means the adults make the choices and decisions that matter, not the child. Ephesians 6:1, Colossians 3:20, 1 Timothy 3:4, 12

So, quick debrief...children are:

A source of pain, irrational emotion, joy, and blessing. A spiritual growth stimulant. Our own personal classroom. A visual example and reminder of how our hearts should be positioned before God. Our heirs and students. Compassion practice. A gift. Children are many things in this world, and we have many responsibilities toward them, but notice the things that are NOT on this list...

***I am NOT my child's salvation. Jesus is. I am to be a picture of protection, a reflection of God's safety and security in their lives, but ultimately I am limited and will fail. I must teach my children to take refuge in the Lord alone. Psalm 36:7, Psalm 72:4, Proverbs 14:26, Matthew 23:37

***I am NOT the guarantor of their success or happiness or application of their potential. That's all been spelled out in God's plan for them already. I'm on a need-to-know basis for this one. Therefore, I can be the best teacher I know how to be for the time and opportunities I'm given to teach/coach, but ultimately my children are not a reflection of me. They were created to be a reflection of God's glory, to be a reflection of God. I can guide them and point them in that direction, but the outcome for that is out of my hands. Psalm 139, Proverbs 16:3-4, Proverbs 19:21, Jeremiah 29:11, Matthew 6:31-33, 1 Corinthians 2:9, Ephesians 1:11, 2:10, Philippians 1:6, 2 Timothy 1:9

If God created them to be a reflection of His glory and His heart in this world, then whether or not they are successful in this arena is His responsibility. WHY? Why are we so quick to try to do God's job for Him?!?!?! I'm not prideful enough to think I can do God's job better than Him (or am I?), but I'm afraid I'm ignorant enough to not recognize when I'm trying to shoulder the burden of a weight that I was never created or expected to lift, much less carry. Sometimes, when the weight is too heavy, you just need to stop. Stop and recognize your limits. Just stop trying to pick it up and release it all together. Step back and walk away from that weight. You were never designed to lift it.

Over and over in Scripture, children are listed in line with "men, women, and children." They are acknowledged as small adults. Separate, yet equal to men and women. What applied to the men and women always also applied to the children. The judgments AND the blessings always equally applied to men, women, AND children. They are not special or exempt simply because they are young. Ultimately, we are ALL children, children of God, subject to the judgments and blessings of HIS kingdom. Romans 8:16-17, 21

I fear we live in a society where this verse rings all too true:

O My people! Their oppressors are children, And women rule over them. O My people! Those who guide you lead you astray And confuse the direction of your paths. Isaiah 3:12

And there you have it. Scripture rings true again. Scripture brings peace and clarity into my mind that is assaulted by the false messages of culture and this world on a daily basis. My role as a parent is actually quite clear and as usual simple: Be the best life-coach/teacher I know how to be, that God has equipped me to be, and constantly shepherd my children toward the Lord. (Oh yeah, feed and clothe them too;) If what I'm concerned about during any given moment of the day for my children doesn't fall into one of these categories, then I've walked back to that weight I was never meant to lift, and I'm trying to lift it....again. If I'm overly concerned about their safety, their health, or their future, I'm trying to lift that weight again.

Jesus lifts that weight with his pinky finger, with the bat of an eyelash. Why am I even trying? It's a question that bears examination, and it's where I've ended this train of thought today. It seems my job as a parent is simple and clear and so is God's. He's trusting me to do my job--provide, educate, enjoy; I need to trust Him to do His even if His choices of how He provides "safety", "health", and "success" don't match the world's or my own definitions of these things. That's a hard truth to wrestle--when God's plan for safety, health, and success doesn't match your own.

But for today, for this blog, I'm grateful for the freedom and release that comes from taking the time to draw closer to the heart of God and His plan for my life, to try and find a balanced, scriptural perspective on His expectations of me as a parent. And for today, I am strangely relieved and feel lighter in my step accepting and trusting His role in the lives of my children in comparison to my own role. In reality, God has the much harder job. Praise Jesus!