There’s a misperception about Christ-followers that we are
perfect people with perfect lives. That joy flows from our pores; unicorns and
rainbows our constant companions. Even as a Christian, I often feel I have
failed to represent Jesus well when these are not my realities or outlooks on
life. But that’s not truth. Truth is I am a broken woman even after 35 years of
following Jesus. I live in a broken and hurting world, and I am just as affected
by the marching beat of its sin as the next person.
The difference is I choose to look to Jesus to save me—not myself,
a job, a calling, a passion, or another person. Even in pursuit of Him, I fail.
Truthfully, I haven’t spent much time in God’s Word these
past few weeks, not with the regularity that saved me and kept me sane during
quarantine, not daily. Since the move, I’ve been low, down, fighting feelings
of uselessness, worthlessness, and meaninglessness. I know all these feelings
can be combated with time in God’s Word, allowing Him to fill my heart and
mind, but the depression begs me to sleep.
It beckons me to stay in bed and pretend another day doesn’t
need my presence a little while longer. It is a sneaky, difficult foe to fight.
The worship music I play around the house is a soothing reminder of my Jesus keeping
the darkness at bay.
I always wonder why I allow myself to fall into this trap. Why
don’t I make time to fellowship with the Lord? Why do I allow myself to neglect
time with Him when I know it only helps and never hurts? When I reflect, I come
up with three deeply honest answers…
One, I silently, secretly blame God for putting me in this
season, in this waiting room. In response, I think I can “punish” Him by
withdrawing my fellowship. What a fool, I can be in my own pride. As if the
Creator can be punished by the created. The truth is I only punish myself
because fellowship with Him is the breath I breathe, the very air in my lungs.
(Job 33:4) Not to mention, what a petty, vindictive way to treat the Man who
wants nothing but the best for me; Who’s sacrificed everything to prove His
love for me and asked only for my trust in return.
Second, I’m tired. I’m sad. I’m in the process of healing.
It takes time to recover. It takes energy—heart, mind, body, and soul—to recuperate
from a hard hit. Big life changes are hard hits. Even the ones you see coming,
the ones for which you think you’ve prepared, still hurt on impact. My Jesus
knows this, and He gives grace to the weary. I may not be reading His Word the
way I know I should, but I also know He’s pouring His grace out over me and
into my life. I can feel it when I close my eyes and give thanks for the small things. He never leaves me.
Third, like most people I know in life, I hate admitting
when I’m wrong. There are days I willingly choose not to engage in God’s Word. I
choose television, tasks, chores, phone calls, word games, internet scrolling,
shopping, sleep, or even exercise, but I won’t choose time with my Jesus.
Because I am stubborn, and I know meeting with Him requires a humbled heart
willing to confess my sins and ask for forgiveness. It requires a willingness
to let go of what I want in life, so I can receive what He wants to give.
Sometimes, my stubborn, prideful heart just wants to hold on to what I want a
little while longer. Yet, I cannot receive more of Him while also holding on
with both hands to what I want.
Right now, when I do read my Bible, I’m reading through
Acts. This past week there was one verse in the chapter that has held my mind’s
eye ever since, even on the days I’ve chosen not to engage in His Word.
Acts 3:19:
“Therefore repent and return, so that your sins may be wiped away, in order
that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord.”
Isn’t my Jesus precious? Isn’t He gracious and good? When I
read this verse, when it replays in my mind, it is not the voice of a sidewalk
preacher. It is the voice of the Lover of my Soul pleading with me to come home
and be with Him. Not begging as if He needs me but pleading out of love and
concern because only He knows what is best for me, and He wants me to choose
what’s best. He wants me to choose Him. To repent of my pride and foolishness
and stubbornness, and simply return to His side where He promises my weary,
hurting, healing heart, mind, and soul will be refreshed by His presence.
This friends, this makes all the difference. Christ-followers
aren’t perfect; they are forgiven, and when we’re doing it well, when we’re
living in the freedom of that forgiveness, there is a peace and joy and love
that flows from the Holy Spirit dwelling with us. Emmanuel, God with us. You
see Christians mess up just as much and just as badly as anyone else in this
world, sometimes worse. But we’ve learned the art of admitting/confessing our
mistakes, owning them, asking for forgiveness, and moving forward with another
clean slate in the eyes of our God because of the shed blood of Christ. His
mercies are new every morning and great is His faithfulness to His children
(Lamentations 3:22-23)!
“Father, forgive me for my childishness. Forgive me for
thinking I could punish You, Creator of the Universe. Forgive me for leaning
into my weariness instead of leaning into You. Forgive me for my pride. Thank You
for always being with me. Thank You that You never leave or forsake me no
matter how often I leave and forsake You. Thank You for the promise of
refreshing in Your presence. I’m here, Lord, with open hands. Fill me with more
of You.”
