She sat there staring. The sun shone warm across her
shoulders. The wind blew soft, just enough to rustle, not enough to annoy. It
was the perfect day. Yet, her heart was heavy. Her body was heavy. A
listlessness of soul and spirit evidenced by her slightly slumped shoulders and
poor posture. She willed herself to soak in the sun as if its warmth could
ignite a spark of some kind inside her body or mind. Nothing. She could hear
the darkness in the distance, calling ever so faintly with whispered longing.
It was still there. It would come if she let it.
She had worked hard to push the darkness away. The fact that
it was a voice in the wind now instead of knocking on her front door was
extreme growth and progress. What no one knew was the vigilance it took to keep
distancing from it. What no one saw were the battles, like this moment in time
in which she sat staring, that war raged inside her. What no one heard was her
mind weeping for relief when only a few tears escaped from the corners of her
eyes. What no one felt was the exhaustion of the work done every day to push
the darkness further away or some days just to keep it at bay.
What no one understood is how sometimes she longed for the
darkness. The darkness was comfortable. She knew the misery it would bring all
too well, but she knew it. She knew what to expect. Every day in the light,
struggling, battling felt unknown and unsafe. The darkness was known. The
darkness was predictable, controllable even (until it wasn’t.) The darkness
would hide her. Lie. The darkness would make her feel safe. Lie.
The darkness would envelope her and protect her from the unknown. Lie.
Everything she contributed to the world around her was useless, worthless,
unproductive, could be easily done by someone else. LIES!
When she
recognized them as lies, they hissed and stung like flaming arrows.
When she
didn’t, they were familiar words, like letters from a long-lost friend.
Oh, the
schemes of the Liar, the Evil One, the Ruler of Darkness.
Her Jesus is her Shield. She knows this. In her mind’s eye, she
sees Him standing there taking almost all the fire upon Himself. She is never
alone. Never. Her shield of faith is battle worn and tested. Where it has been
punctured in the past, the patch applied has made it stronger. Where once it
shined new, now it reflects light off every gash, dent and slash like the
sculpture of a Master bronzer.
But today her armor weighed heavy. So heavy. If only she
could take it off, for just a moment. No. The armor is her only chance of
keeping the darkness away. Jesus whispered, “My burden is light. My yoke is
easy. Come to Me. I am your Refuge. You will not lose ground as long as you
rest in Me.”
Rest. In Him. She struggled with this invitation, this
concept, every time. Her mind never felt at rest and when it was, she slept. Then,
even in her sleep, she battled. Rest only came on days when she could envelope
herself in silence, limiting the stimulus of life around her. This was not a
luxury her days currently allowed, so she closed her eyes and slowed her
breathing. Could rest be found now? Even in this moment? Here? She let the sun
soak. She let the breeze cool. She leaned her head into the chest of Jesus and
listened for His heartbeat. I will give you rest. Truth. She let the
tears trickle and her breath relax, sighing away her cares. She cast anxieties like pennies in a wishing well, feeling lighter with each toss, each release.
Her armor wasn’t too heavy after all.
“Thank You,” she thought. Gratefulness gifted peace. Jesus’
heart beat louder than the whisper of the darkness. His grace enveloped her in
security. She felt hidden by love, held by peace, seen by hope and fully known.
Joy was His presence and rest His blessing. She would battle again, but for
now, she would rest. And to rest was ok. In the stillness she remembered, rest
is obedience to.
……………………………..
Psalm 116 (her own rewrite)
I love the
Lord because He hears me—
Out of all the millions in the
world—
He hears the sound of my voice and
the deepest asks—
Because He wants
to listen to me,
He leans in close and
gives me His full, undivided attention,
So I just keep
talking
Always to
Him, for as long as I live, for as long as I want or need.
Death has
surrounded me before;
I have known the terrors and frights
from the abyss—
The mourning, the pain, the
nightmares, the darkness—
I have known
anxiety and deep sorrow.
In those times I cried out to the
Lord,
“Father save me. Hold me fast. Don’t
let me drown!”
The Lord is
always right, always gently offering me what I do not deserve—
Yes, He is
compassionate—
Keeping me from rotting away in my
own self when I simply make Him enough.
I have been in the deepest of
pits,
And His presence with me was
enough to save me.
Rest, oh my
soul—enjoy the peace of the Lord—
Go back to that simple trust, that
simple space where it’s just you and Jesus—
Return there.
For the Lord
has blessed me above and beyond.
He has
rescued my soul from the darkness over and over and over again,
Redeemed my tears of sorrow for
tears of joy,
And kept me from falling all over
myself again and again.
One day, I
will walk side by side with my Lord in the land He has prepared for His
children
Because His heaven IS
the land of those who truly live in His physical presence.
Grateful to be His,
Jennifer
