Phone Calls from Jesus

It’s been a little over six months since we left California. Unlike our move to California, we landed in Georgia two days before school started, and life began in a whirlwind of action. Kids ready for school, finding sports, starting sports, house unpacked, all the things hung, all the things shopped and bought. My husband would tell you I was a force to be reckoned with, and I’m afraid for the first time in our marriage, I may have steam-rolled him in my busyness and grief.

The house came together quickly. I love it. Every day I wake up, I am reminded of the faithfulness of the Lord because of my beautiful home. The kids settled into school schedules, sports schedules, getting to know the neighbors, figuring out how to stay in touch with their California friends on a three-hour time difference. Joey’s new role requires him to work his old one as well, so essentially, for the moment, he’s attempting to manage two jobs well. Everyone was busy. Everyone is busy.

(Side note: “If Satan can’t make you bad, he will make your busy.”—Corrie Ten Boom)

With two kids in school, my days are spent doing laundry, shopping for a new house, preparing dinner, cleaning house, shopping for all the sports things and new layers of clothing we all require in Georgia. I joined BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) because it’s always a safe space for me to land when I don’t belong to a church. It holds me accountable to reading God’s Word.

But that’s all I’ve been doing for months. Reading God’s Word. Just reading and studying it. And He’s been faithful! His Word is alive and active even when my heart is not (Hebrews 4:12). I’ve heard Him beckoning me for months now, calling me to prayer, inviting me to silence and solitude with Him. To give Him just thirty minutes of space where I do nothing but listen.

I have excused myself and refused to engage with Him for months now. Too busy. Too tired. Self-care. The excuses go on and on and on.

Busy with what? Honestly? Seventy-five percent of my day is spent busy with necessary things. Errands, food, laundry, budget, household care, household organization, calendar managing, making appointments, shopping, keeping appointments, etc. The other twenty-five percent of my busyness is spent on things of my own conjuring. Empty thoughts and conversations with myself. Random projects not urgent, and as the week progresses, every day holds less of a percentage of necessary and more of a percentage of chosen randomness. The point being, I have margin on which to capitalize.

Too tired? Honestly? I know how to manage this. Yes, I work out. Yes, it makes me tired, but if I feed my body the food it needs (not wants), take my vitamins, and drink at least 64oz of water in a day, I can manage. What too tired usually means for me is I’m exhausted from the mental gymnastics inside my mind—the thinking, the spinning, the capturing of thoughts, and differentiating of voices. I am tired most often from over-thinking and over-analyzing. This also adds to my feelings of busyness and cuts into my margin.

Self-care? Honestly? When I am not in a mentally healthy place, I convince myself that self-care looks like internet scrolling and TV watching. All I’m really doing is choosing to drown out the inner voices with other voices. I’m choosing to temporarily numb my existence with someone else’s story. Doing anything without the accompaniment of music or television or for some, even a book, would mean embracing the silence of the moments of my margin. God might speak. I might hear His voice. (1 Kings 19:11-13)

Why have a been afraid to hear His voice? Why do I fill my life to the brim, edging out any possibility or space for silence?

I’ve had two new-to-my-story people in the last week question me, “Might you be angry with God?” One was even so bold to suggest, much like any close relationship, sometimes we give God the silent treatment because we’re so angry we don’t want to hear what He has to say.

I never wanted to leave California. How my life is now is not what I wanted.

That doesn’t mean it’s not a good, blessed life I’m grateful to have, and that doesn’t mean I’m still not angry. Both are true.

I think what’s hardest is admitting I’m angry with God. It seems like a dangerous statement, treacherous holy ground to throw a temper tantrum on. My God is All-Powerful, Sovereign, and Perfect in His ways. (Matthew 22:29, Colossians 1:16-17, 2 Samuel 22:31) Who am I to question Him? Who am I to doubt His methods? (Romans 9:19-23)

Yet therein lies the beauty and the wonder and the precious treasure of a relationship with the Father.

When I finally got quiet, when I finally took thirty minutes of silence and solitude to admit to Him I was angry with Him, He didn’t scold me or strike me or ignore me. He sat with me. He stayed. I could feel His very presence fill my mind and being, and He simply said, “I’ve got you. I always have. When have I not shown up for you? I’ve got this. I’ve got your future. I have My plans for you. You will know them when I need You to know them. Enjoy your children! Enjoy them. Enjoy the season of life you are in. Keep following me. Keep talking to me. Make some more time to listen to me.”

And just like that peace and hope flooded my soul. He never even addressed my anger because He knows better than anyone my anger is just a cover, a symptom, of deeper heart issues. Issues He spoke to directly with gentleness and authority.

He has been calling me to get quiet with Him FOR MONTHS to give me those words, those assurances. I robbed myself of peace and hope FOR MONTHS with my disobedience. I used busyness as an excuse to cover, hide, and not address my emotions. Yet when I laid my raw emotions at the feet of my Jesus, He accepted me as I am, right where I am, and spoke healing words to my soul.

It makes me wonder if all emotions are phone calls from Jesus. Calls placed beckoning us to come and have a conversation with Him about what we’re feeling. The emotions themselves He won’t condemn. Too often it’s the actions we take ignoring those emotions or reacting to those emotions that cause us to sin. What if we just took some time to answer His phone calls when we heard them? How much faster would we process our pain? How much less overall would we suffer? How much more peace and hope might we experience on a daily basis? How could that change our lives? How might that change our children’s lives? What would the ripple effect be for generations to come?

I’m just on the front of this revelation—emotions being phone calls from Jesus. Literally processing day one of this idea. I’m going to try living out the application of what it looks like to answer those phone calls. I have a feeling there’s a whole bunch of quality conversation in my future, and I’m looking forward to spending time with my Abba.

Devotion in the Dark

“You have taken from me friend and neighbor—darkness is my closest friend.” Psalm 88:18

There’s no glossing over the hard things of life—the depression, anxiety, stress, death, pain, hurt, and heartbreak. We can’t ignore them, bury them, or make them pretty or easier to endure. In fact, when we choose to follow Christ, we sign up to carry His cross and sign on the dotted line for all His promises, one of which is that in this world we will have trouble. When the days and seasons of trouble come, we can feel helpless and useless sitting with darkness, our closest friend.

Truth is we are never helpless or useless because even in our deepest dark Jesus’ sacrifice gives us the gift of honesty, of openness, of unobstructed communion with God the Creator. The opportunity to be real with ourselves and with our God is a powerful tool against the enemy.

Psalm 88 is a psalm of lament. When you read it, the despair and agony of David’s soul is evident and pure and real.

David proclaims darkness as his closest friend, yet even in the dark he continues to speak, to cry out. He claims God has taken everything from him, yet David continues to keep the lines of communication between him and God open.

Therein lies the treasure of this passage, the beauty in the authenticity of God’s Word. Even in his lowest of lows, David never stopped talking to God. Not only did he keep talking, but he didn’t edit his feelings either. He didn’t try to gloss over the ugly truth of the condition of his heart. He didn’t try to dress up his words and feelings for a conversation with a holy God. He never stuffed all his raw emotions into a box labeled “shameful”.

No, instead, he wrote them all down, quite possibly even sung them out loud. He gave all the ugly words and hard feelings air to breath, but most importantly he was unabashedly honest with the one Person in his life that could handle all the hard things. His God. Throughout all the psalms—especially this one with no satisfactory ending—David stayed honest with the God he had staked His life on more than once. Even knowing God had allowed these hard things doesn’t keep him quiet.

He kept talking to God, out loud and in writing, through all the pain, amid all the questions, and despite knowing God had allowed his circumstances.

What trust! What refreshing vulnerability! What courage.

“Father, increase my faith to have the courage to bring all the hard and ugly directly to You, first and foremost and often. May my unedited soul find comfort in You alone because I know you hear my voice and the cry of my heart. You alone, Lord, can handle all my bitter brokenness. Though I feel darkness is my closest friend, I know You sit right here with me. Amen.”

Stillness:How will you choose to fill it?

There is a Stillness in the wilderness.

I feel it most tangibly in the early morning hours. I feel it cover my being like the down comforter laying over me. Heavy and warm.

It is a dangerous Stillness that creeps under the surface of my whole self.

Dangerous because it is empty and begs to be filled. 

It is empty of activities, lists, to-dos, have-tos, friends, family, familiarity, normality, routine.

It is a Stillness full of time and space and possibility.

It is the Stillness we all long for!  A break from the busy, a break from the mundane, a break from the whirring spin of life, the fast steady pace of what we perceive as purpose-filled living.  It is the Stillness we all long for, yet when it becomes available, it is so foreign and unknown that the ground beneath you feels unstable, unsure. The bed I lay in feels safer than the world outside my door, but even from that perceived haven, the Stillness beckons to be filled.

In these wee early hours, I feel helpless. I feel forgotten. I look at the wide, empty expanse of my days--dry and barren--and I feel lost. I feel like purpose--the activities, the lists, the to-dos, the friends, the family--the things I always mistakenly fall back on as what defines me--they are all gone, all missing. 

And there is a hopelessness,  a uselessness, a loneliness that lurks at the edges of this wilderness Stillness. It wants to seep like a sponge into the dryness. It wants to be absorbed into my soul and take residence.  It wants to usher in depression.

Ah, but not today.

I know this enemy too well. I know the pit into which it drags. By God's grace I have learned the early warning signs--the sleepless, worrisome nights, the urge to sleep your day away, the desire to do nothing because everything feels too hard--I know these feelings well, and as the age old saying goes, knowing is half the battle!

No. Every morning, every moment the enemy tries to creeps into my day, I know now I have a choice.

I can choose Joy. I can choose Jesus. I can choose to fill the Stillness with His presence instead of my enemy's, the world, or my flesh.

I can reach for my Bible instead of the snooze button or more covers to pull over my head. (Psalm 119:105)

I can breathe deep the gift of this Stillness,  exhaling gratefulness for no time constraints,  no schedule,  nothing that God hasn't ordained. (1 Thessalonians 5:18, Psalm 139:16)

I can count my blessings and enjoy them instead of counting the minutes on my clock or the number of tasks on my calendar. (Matthew 6:19)

I can believe and trust that God has a plan for my day in motion instead of believing that my day is defined by the number of accomplishments I have planned for myself. (Proverbs 16:9)

I have a choice to make.  A battle to win in those small moments. (Ephesians 6:12)  I need to capture the emotion and reconcile it to God's Word.  It's time to use the full armor of God I've been given and wield the Sword to His glory and His victory in my life. (Ephesians 6:10-18)

I choose Joy!  I choose Jesus!

And in that choice, I reach for my devotional and my Bible.  Ashamedly, I do this somewhat reluctantly.  It's not always easy to choose the better thing.

And in the words of my devotional I find a beckoning from my Lord to come away with Him, to put the world with "it's nonstop demands" on hold instead of Him, to stop buying into the world's lie that more is better--"more meetings, more programs, more activities," to choose the better thing that can never be taken away from me.  To choose Jesus, to choose Joy. (Jesus Calling by Sarah Young, July 17)

The Stillness beckons to be filled, and I can choose to fill it with Jesus, but how?

I then open my Bible and read the chapter that comes after the one I read yesterday:
Psalm 143--with my sidebar thoughts as I read this....

Hear my prayer, O Lord,
Give ear to my supplications!
Answer me in Your faithfulness, in Your righteousness!
2 And do not enter into judgment with Your servant, (The best and worst of us have bad days, down days, low moments, doubts, and moments of stumbling, this is me right now, Lord, stumbling....)
For in Your sight no man living is righteous. (See, even if I was busier, living more purposefully, it wouldn't make me more righteous in God's sight.  Why do we still strive?....)
3 For the enemy has persecuted my soul; (My fleshly mind is on a rampage....)
He has crushed my life to the ground; (I feel helpless, forgotten, and lost....)
He has made me dwell in dark places, like those who have long been dead. (My mind and emotions take me to the pits of despair....)
4 Therefore my spirit is overwhelmed within me;
My heart is appalled within me. (I am weak and I know it and I feel it and I hate myself for being weak.  I hate that this flesh gets the best of me more times than I like....What to do Lord???)

5 I remember the days of old; (Remember everything you've just come through.  Remember the Big God who parted the Red Sea.  Remember every small blessing along the way.  Remember....)
I meditate on all Your doings; (Keep His word before you.  Put these verses on a card, be aware of these truths, think about them every moment you feel the enemy creeping....)
I muse on the work of Your hands. (Let your mind mull over the meanings of Scripture, the truths in this passage and others.  Be amazed by the work of the Lord in everything around you.  Everything....)
6 I stretch out my hands to You;
My soul longs for You, as a parched land. (Trust fall into God's arms once again.  He is the deepest desire of your heart....)

7 Answer me quickly, O Lord, my spirit fails;
Do not hide Your face from me, (Lord!  I know You hear me.  Show your grace, your favor upon me in this hard moment....)
Or I will become like those who go down to the pit. (Or this will happen....)
8 Let me hear Your lovingkindness in the morning; (I'm here Lord, bright and early...)
For I trust in You; (I do.  I really do....)
Teach me the way in which I should walk; (You show me what my day should hold.  I will be open and available and will just keep doing the next thing until You change my course...)
For to You I lift up my soul. (I am Yours alone, O Lord.  All of me, all in....)
9 Deliver me, O Lord, from my enemies; (Crush these thoughts and emotions.  Bring them under the power of Your will, Your truth, Lord....)
I take refuge in You. (You are my safe place....)

10 Teach me to do Your will,
For You are my God; (Amen!...)
Let Your good Spirit lead me on level ground. (Level out my emotions.  Stop the roller coaster that leaves me anxious and edgy and unsure....)
11 For the sake of Your name, O Lord, revive me. (Give me new fervor for Your glory alone...)
In Your righteousness bring my soul out of trouble. 
12 And in Your lovingkindness, cut off my enemies
And destroy all those who afflict my soul, (Be the downfall of all those thoughts that plague me, so I can fully live to glorify you in all my thoughts and actions.)
For I am Your servant. (True and Amen.)

And the Stillness has been filled.  In a brief 20-30 minutes of time, God filled the Stillness with all that He planned for it to be filled with--simply Himself. (Acts 17:28)

And I no longer felt helpless, forgotten, lost or without purpose.  I felt full of His presence.  I felt Joy. And so that is exactly how God filled my Stillness with Joy instead of how I could have filled it with Emptiness.  How my day with no agenda became filled with a grateful fervor to do laundry, pay bills, cook, clean, and love on my kids.  How I ended up having time to spend 30 minutes on a phone call with a credit card telemarketer, relaying the story of our recent transition, and open and available to give God all the glory for my attitude and perspective.  How that lady expressed a longing for more of that in her life, and how I was able to tell her it's all available by having a relationship with Jesus.

A stranger got to experience my Jesus through me today because I let Him fill my Stillness instead of trying to fill it myself.

And isn't that really why we are here on earth?  Isn't that exactly what God calls us to do?  To be His ambassadors? (2 Corinthians 5:20) To be the ones that tell the stories of His love, His faithfulness, His goodness, His glory? (Psalm 145:10-13) How can I be open and available to do this when I'm too busy filling my own Stillness of soul with Busyness of day?

And folks it's really not that my day changed all that much.  I still would have had to do laundry, pay bills, cook, clean and love on my kids.  But I would have accomplished all those things just to check them off my list, to make myself feel full of purpose instead of doing them already knowing I am full of purpose. Already being full of purpose before my day ever really began.

Every day, every moment, before the onslaught of each of our enemy's attacks, we have a choice to make.  Will you fill your Stillness with the Emptiness of your own fleshly desires?  Or will you fill your Stillness with the fullness of Jesus Christ who is the deepest desire of every living soul? (Psalm 37:4)

The choice is yours. Choose wisely.  I choose Jesus.  I choose Joy! (Psalm 16:11)