Nineteen Years

Nineteen years. I was nineteen when we first met. I was nineteen when I knew he was the man for me. I was twenty when we first kissed, and I was twenty-one when I said the vows that would bind us together for this lifetime.

We have literally grown into adults together. Under the same roof, in the same bed, sharing all of life’s circumstances, we have chosen each other.

Not because it was easy. No. The first year was tough. Adding children to our home was tougher, and this year has changed us both in ways we never could have foreseen, for the better, but not without wounds.

Why does it work? Because he chooses Jesus first. I choose Jesus first. Somewhere in the middle of us both choosing Jesus, Jesus convinces us to choose each other—every day.

We are two imperfect, completely screwed up people with our own passions, desires, and wills. He’s an extrovert. I’m an introvert. He’s an otter; I’m a beaver. He wants to wipe all the surfaces, and I want to take a toothbrush to the corners. He likes a plan, and I just want to know everything is in its place.

We have clashed like titans and passed like two ships in the night. Every marriage in life has its seasons—winters, springs, summers, and falls. The only thing that has never changed is he chooses Jesus first, and I choose Jesus first. Those sad, dark days when we don’t choose Jesus first, we struggle, and we blame, and we point fingers and the enemy starts to look like the winner.

But when we choose Jesus first, Jesus prompts us to serve with love. So he will wake up in the morning and make my tea, and I don’t plan meals with mushrooms and water chestnuts. He will sit and talk to me about his quiet time and the deep things of his heart, and I will snuggle next to him on the couch and remember to give him big hugs. He will bring me flowers on Fridays, and I will look for that parking spot next to a curb, so only one side of the car has the chance of getting dinged. He will hold me when I cry, and I will listen intently when he processes out loud.

We don’t do these things because we love each other. Hear me. These don’t come naturally. The automatic response is to not want to do these things sometimes for all kinds of reasons—too tired, too angry, too busy, etc.

But Jesus. He fills and wills and enables a heart that thinks of others first. A relationship with Jesus stretches and strengthens all the right relationship muscles. Jesus first is the only reason we are still married nineteen years later. He reveals to us how to love each other well, and it has taken nineteen years of mistakes and practice to make it look like it does today, and we’re still a work in progress. My man wants 56 more years of mistakes and practice, and while I long to see my Jesus sooner than that, if staying on this earth makes that life-long dream of my best friend come true, I pray the Lord makes it so.

Joey is my biggest fan, and I am his. He supports me in my dreams, and I his. We chase the heart of Jesus together, and it is the most thrilling adventure race of a lifetime. If you want a marriage that will stand the test of time and the trials of life, find a mate who loves Jesus more than they love you. They’re a keeper.

Grateful to be His,

Jennifer Durham

Choose to Stay

Joey and I have been married now for a little over eighteen years.  Unfortunately, that's long enough that we've now entered this new season of life where people we love dearly and some we least expected are struggling in their marriages and many are choosing divorce.

Joey and I do not have the perfect marriage. We've cussed at each other, thrown things, stormed off and out and away at times. We've screamed and cried and belittled. I've disrespected him, and he's withheld love I desperately needed. We've sat through our fair share of counseling. It has not always been peaches and roses and adoring Instagram posts. It has been work.

It has been hard work. Marriages don't come together over night, and they don't stay together once you say I do. There's no magical glue in those vows that cements two hearts together forever. No, those vows are a covenant statement before God and man that the two of you will choose to work with and for each other for better or worse, for sicker or poorer, 'til death do you part. God never breaks His covenants with us.  His Word is His bond; it is His promise; you can stake your life on it. Your marriage vows should be the same, or you shouldn't choose to make them. 

(I'm leaving a wide open door here for those that have found themselves in a marriage where their spouse is physically abusing them and putting their life or the lives of their children in jeopardy. By all means, get yourself out of that situation.)

But for the rest of us, our word should mean something. Those vows should be honored no matter how difficult the life circumstances. I have yet to watch a marriage fall apart where at some point in time during the disintegration of the marriage both people suffered from an inability to admit their faults. Something the other person did or is doing or has done is always worse than what they see in the mirror. That's pride, friends. Pride makes us rate our sin instead of being broken over the fact that we actually sin. Your inability to admit your faults--pride--is the same sin in the eyes of God as the adulterer. We all sin. We all fall short of the glory of God. Every day. 

Why are we so quick to hold this against our spouse? To create a boundary where they've gone too far, hurt us too much that we harden our hearts against them? That we choose not to forgive them? That we choose to be the one that refuses to change this time? Who am I to throw up that wall?

Did God ever throw up that wall in our relationship? Has He ever said, "That's it. That's enough. I won't take anymore sin from you in this relationship. You've hurt Me for the last time. Your unwillingness to change is intolerable, and what you offer is too little, too late. We're done." ? Praise God He has never, ever even considered treating me this way because of the blood and sacrifice of my Jesus and the covenant He made with me through Christ! When I said yes to Him all those years ago, He said yes to me, and He's never backed away.

Marriage was designed to be an earthly reflection and metaphor for our relationship with God. No other relationship, no other friendship, no other acquaintance comes with a covenant commitment said in ceremony before God and witnesses. That's what makes marriage holy and set apart and different. We're vowing to each other to make it work, no matter what. Just like the Lord makes our relationship with Him work--for our good even--no matter what.

So why does it come as a surprise that marriage is hard work? Because the movies tell us differently? Because all fairy tales have happy endings? Where are any of those ideas in the Bible?

I see people willing to make all kinds of sacrifices every day for their children, their athletics, their health, their careers, their ministries, their causes, their passions. They devote time and money to the study of these things, to the improvement and betterment of themselves in these areas of their lives. They sacrifice pieces of themselves, pushing themselves, and are even willing to change themselves to consider themselves a success in these areas of life, to be validated as a success by others in these areas of life.

Yet somehow we think the work, the act, the job, the aspiration of a successful marriage isn't worth the same consideration and commitment. It shouldn't be this hard.  

What a lie from the devil this generation has bought. And the nuclear fall out of divorce continues to be felt by and to mold our children and their children and their children. What if this generation decided it was time to put an end to divorce? What if when we chose to say I do, we understood the gravity of those words and the work it would require to achieve the goal of a thriving marriage? What if we set our minds to the work ahead of us, studying our spouse, seeking understanding through healthy communication, dreaming together, living the highs and lows of life together, adding new tools to our toolbox for marriage each step along the way? What if we chose to stay? What if we chose to fight for each other instead of against? or instead of giving up?

I'm forever grateful my Jesus chooses to stay with me and fight for me even when I've chosen to get in the car and drive far away. He chooses me every time and always. He even comes looking for me. What if in marriage we sought the heart of our spouse the way Jesus seeks us? 

Because the truth is marriage was God's idea and design to begin with. It won't work without Him at the center. God designed each of us with a God-shaped hole. If we don't fill it with a relationship with Him first, we have no hope of any other relationship standing the test of time. If after committing your life to following Christ, you find yourself committing to do life with another sinful human for better or worse, I will attend that wedding and celebrate with you, but also remind you of the choice you are making, the vow you are saying, the calling you are accepting because that man or woman has now become your second most important priority in life behind your relationship with Christ.

You want to teach your children the importance of grit, determination, stick-to-it-ness? Stay married.

You want to show others what it means to honor a commitment; that your word is your bond? Stay married. You want to be an example to a generation looking for role models who don't leave when it gets hard, who don't abandon when the stress is high, who aren't always looking for a better option or opportunity? Stay married. You want to show others what it looks like to fight for something you believe in? Stay married. You want to change the course of the future and rewrite history for those watching you, observing you, modeling themselves after you? Stay married.

And don't just choose to stay married and cohabitate and coexist. That's not marriage. That's the way of the sluggard. That's the sin of sloth on display. Marriage is two becoming one--mind, body, heart, and soul. That takes work. That takes research. That takes asking for help. That takes never giving up.  That takes a lifetime.

Plus, when you sit down to talk to the people who have stayed, who've worked hard to make it work, who've made it through the decades of hard, but enjoyed three times as many decades of good together, they all tell you it was worth it. Every tear, ever smile, every belly laugh, every curse, every hurt, every joy--it was worth it. We envy them. We want what they have. The question is will you stick around long enough for that to be your story too? Will you choose to do the hardest work, aspire to the greatest lifetime achievement award of staying married?

From what I've observed in my short almost-forty years, it is hands down, short of introducing them to a relationship with Christ, the best gift I can give my children, and the best testimony of character I live out in front of a watching world. If the one legacy I leave behind in this world is a model, an example for how to stay married and thrive, I will have considered it a great honor for my Jesus to allow that to be my purpose for walking this earth.  Because my friends, it just really isn't about me and my happiness today or tomorrow, it's about the eternal effects my daily choices can make for all those that follow. So I choose Jesus, and I choose Joey because those are the only two relationships I willingly chose to tie my life to in covenant promise. The rest--the kids, the career, the health, the ministries, the passions--I trust will fall into place how and when my Jesus sees fit.

Choose to do the hard thing, the hard work, the thing that, maybe today hurts so much. Choose Jesus. Choose your spouse. Seek help. Stay married. It's worth it. I promise it's worth it. You just won't ever know how worth it is for yourself unless you choose to stay.

This Man

For 18 years today, he has committed himself to me and held up his end of the bargain to cherish me in sickness and in health, for better or worse, and it will most definitely be death that parts us and nothing else.

He is the stabilizer to my roller coaster. The laughter and final word in our family. He leads with humility and provides a multitude of character qualities by his example.

When God put the two of us together, when God chose him for me, God answered so many prayers I had prayed and had yet to pray. 

This man has been a conduit of Jesus in my life for feeling held, being seen, and being known.

This man has been the means through which God has fulfilled and continues to fulfill more than one childhood dream.

This man's goal in life, one of many but this one is near the top of the list, is to have a successful, thriving marriage. When this is your goal, you better believe I reap the benefits of his goal every day in ten million different ways.

He has hopped on red-eye flights to leave later and get home sooner for love of me and his family.

He has endured jumping through more travel hoops than I can name for the sake of getting home and being with us.

He plans almost-weekly date nights and has never stopped dating me, pursuing me, and trying to convince me I am the best thing since sliced bread in 18 years.

This man oggles over my beauty even though I only wear make-up and something other than yoga pants maybe five days out of the year.

He sees my heart, and he fights for me in prayer, in words of encouragement, and more recently in how he's grown three sizes in his ability and desire to empathize.

He's the only one that knows how to make my tea. Even I don't know.

He's the only one I've ever given my heart to, other than Jesus, that hasn't disappointed. (Well, when he has, he is always the first to apologize and make things right--I'm still learning this art from him.)

He's taught me how to be a better communicator and how to enjoy the ordinary and the extraordinary equally. He takes life as it comes and faces every challenge directly and with a steadfastness that is admirable.

He let's me see his soft side, and he's honest with our children about life and how it works.

Every day I wake up I love him more, and he still finds ways to impress me to love him more as well...not that he has to, but yet he still does. There's no doubt in my mind that our relationship is his top priority, which makes me one lucky girl, and the older I get and the more husband's I meet and wives I talk to, the more grateful I am for him and his commitment to our marriage and to our family and to the Lord.

Happy Anniversary, my Love. This girl still only has eyes for you, and you have my whole heart for my whole life. Promise.

Breaking the Bad

I've been married for just a little over sixteen years now, and the longer I am married, the longer Joey and I have chosen to stick it out through the hard, the ugly, and the dirty of each other, the more in love with him I fall.

I have a theory that in every relationship there is one person that is better at it than the other because I think God puts us together that way.  Because every relationship goes through what Joey and I like to refer to as the downward, spiraling cycle. If you've been in any kind of relationship for any amount of time, you probably know what I'm referring to--those times when you're hurting and they're hurting, or you're both frustrated, disappointed, angry at life for whatever reasons, could be simple reasons like you both just had a long, hard frustrating day.

It's in these negative, downward spiraling cycles that we often lash out at the people closest to us. We look to them for strength or comfort or help, and since they're in the same place as you, they have nothing to offer either.  It's in this spin cycle that marriages, I believe, begin to crack, separate, and eventually break and disintegrate when the dust settles. Because these cycles start small, but can spin for days, weeks, months, years, growing in size and intensity, until someone finds a way to be the better person, the bigger person, the more humble, Christ-like person and do something to break the bad cycle.

My husband always finds a way to do this.  He can be just as tired, just as disappointed, just as irritated as me because of our life circumstances. So we start to jab and barb at each other.  Small looks, silly comments, silent treatments, ignoring actions and holding our tongues, when all the while the pressure is building underneath.  Someone is going to blow.  It's usually me.

But if one of us can remember Jesus, can humble ourselves enough for just a few moments to breath peace, to remember our war is not against each other, to offer an olive branch in a small or grand gesture, I'm always amazed at how the storm cycle brewing, suddenly vanishes.

We had a horrendous day yesterday of travel. Long flights dotted with the irritability of constant technology malfunctions, delays experienced in the terminal and sitting on the runway, disappointed, tired children, time zone jacking with your eating schedules, Joey losing his beach hat, and just a long list of tiny, irritating, life things that can happen when you travel coast to coast with two children.

Add in the stress I've put myself under all week just trying to pack our family for this week long vacation while making sure the kids are enjoying their mom and their summer, and Joey trying to rap up loose ends at work during a very busy planning season, our spin cycle was already churning before the irritating day of travel began yesterday.

But somehow, my husband wakes up this morning, and it's a new day for him. He's managed to forgive me for all my tongue-in-cheek comments and saucy attitudes (which he had his fair share of contributing, but maybe not as much as myself), and he takes our two restless kids to grocery shop at Walmart for our vacation while I sit here in a quiet hotel room and marvel at how I ended up with a man that is SO good to me, which ultimately brings me back to the thought that I have a man who loves Jesus more than he loves me. Somehow, Joey is better at humbling himself and letting go of his pride and righ- to-be-right than I am.  He's able to brush things off his shoulders and not take them personally WAY better than I am.

And there's one part of me that wants to feel shame over this. Guilt knocks on my heart and begs to enter and play the poor-terrible-me tune.  Jesus shuts the door on that and reminds me there is no condemnation allowed in my relationship with Him. He forgives me, but He does want me to get a grip and fall in line with my fine husband's example, with Jesus' example, of forgive and live and love anyway. His mercies are new every morning.

And so I'll take the gift that Joey and Jesus have offered--this silent, clean hotel room, and I'll give credit where credit is due. I'll be grateful, deeply grateful for a man of God who loves Jesus first, me second, and our children third.  Be grateful for a husband who shoulders the hard work of stepping in and stepping up when my emotions and state-of-mind have got the better of me.  Be thankful that he's capable and willing to take both my kids to the grocery store AND do the shopping for me. 

He's very good at breaking the bad cycle in our marriage, but I'm also very aware of what it costs him to do so. Jesus is excellent at breaking the bad cycles in my life, and in these moments I'm keenly aware of what it cost Him to do so as well.

So I'll be grateful, deeply grateful that my Jesus makes Himself known to me in my marriage through my husband's humble sacrifices of self.  Be grateful for a God who shouldered the hard work of the cross, who stepped in and stepped up when my useless works and bad attitudes and sins were getting the better of me. Be thankful that my Jesus is more than capable of renewing and refreshing my heart and attitude if I will just take the time to let Him.

Joey will undoubtedly be back soon. Kids excited, ready to see their cousins, sun shining and all of us ready to feel warm Florida waves running between our toes. But my husband's willingness to sacrificially, love me, even in this small way--And I KNOW it was a sacrifice for him too, I know he's tired too--now makes my hard, defensive, exterior toward life soften. It makes my bad, selfish, what-about-me attitude dissipate.  His one act of selflessness helps me move past me. It makes me want to be selfless for him in return.

So the question always is, in any relationship, who gives first? Who's going to reset the spin cycle by choosing to be selfless enough to do the hard work of loving the other person even when they don't deserve to be loved? Even when you're not guaranteed to get anything in return? The person who humbles themself first, to the world, appears to be the weak one, the one who always accommodates, gives in, gives up, at least those are the lies I battle when I know I should break the cycle first.  So it's pride that really keeps my back turned most of the time. Pride that insists on "winning" this fight, this argument, this situation. Pride that requires an apology, an admittance of wrong before I will consider softening, letting my guard down, serving, loving the offender.

Yet every time, after the fact, I know it's the one who humbles themself to "lose" the argument or do something to soften and show compassion in the middle of the situation, who gives undeserved grace when every bone in your body is screaming you don't want to--I know that person is the real winner because they are more Christ-like, and they are showing true love.

Sigh. Why can't I be that person more often? I pray to be that person. I think God's grown me in this area with others outside my family, but it's hard work treating those closest to you with this same grace.  We expect so much from the ones who know us best, when really, they're just sinful humans like the rest of the world we somehow so easily forgive at times.

"Lord, thank you for my marriage. Thank you that it truly is the deepest and best picture of how You love us. Thank you for a husband who loves me well, who humbles himself to bear the weight of hard choices and hard situations, who breaks the bad cycles in our marriage with his servant's heart. Teach me to be more humble. I know that real love expects nothing in return, ever. Teach me to really love him, Lord. Forgive me for my hard, entitled heart. No one owes me anything, Lord, but I owe everything to You."

Celebrating God's Way as the Best Way

Fifteen years today I've been married to the man of my dreams!

I could write a book about why Joey Durham is perfect for me, but rather, I'd like these fifteen years to stand in testimony to the power of God and His design for marriage.

Many moons ago, God created a longing and a desire in a little girl to see the world, to expand her horizons, to know God in all His glory.  In college, she thought she'd follow God to the mission field, but instead, she fell in love with a godly man.

At 21 and 23, they married young, and screwed up so many, many things. They were selfish and guarded and knew nothing about real intimacy. The safety of their covenant marriage before the Lord allowed them a secure, stable place to start to come out from hiding, to actually try to attempt to show another human being who they truly were. To trust that even if the other person inevitably screwed up, massively even, they both knew each others' heart was committed to the Lord first, and if Jesus could forgive them over and over again, they could learn how to forgive each other over and over again. Because no one was leaving. There's no flight option in a covenant with the Lord, only fight.

And the more they focused on Jesus, the closer Jesus drew them to each other. It didn't matter how ugly it got inside the space of their marriage, their commitment to Christ was as secure as their salvation. Jesus reminded them they made a covenant to Him, not themselves, to stay married, and there were some seasons that is all they really trusted or half-way believed. 

Jesus was/is always enough. He healed their hurts, their hearts, their home, time and time again, year after year. Each time knitting them closer and stronger together than before the rip had occurred.

After fifteen years of watching God alone hold our marriage together, I am convinced that a cord of three strands is not quickly broken (Ecclesiastes 4:12). I am convinced that marriage can't be truly fulfilling, successful, or meaningful without God at the center and in control of both spouse's lives. I am convinced it is harder to build and maintain a strong marriage than to parent your children, and it should be treated as such, given the time and attention it needs and deserves. Because I made a covenant before God to love, honor, respect, and cherish this one man for the rest of my life. I made no such covenant with God concerning my children. I am convinced that within the secure ramparts of a God-centered marriage, you eventually learn how to fight the devil rather than fight each other. I am convinced that prayer is a powerful weapon we wield in defense of others.

After fifteen years, we are just now, finally beginning to explore the tip of the iceberg of what is true intimacy, transparency, and vulnerability. So many walls in our lives and hearts have come down, so many more still in process of being demolished. Did I already say marriage is work? Never-ending, back-breaking, soul-submitting work, and I voluntarily signed on!

But when you stick with something for fifteen years, you get to honestly say, "I wouldn't change a thing, trade one moment for another, or do anything different. It has been and will continue to be worth every tear, every heartache, every struggle because the highs are so much sweeter and higher than the lows. It really is true that the harder you work for something, the more you appreciate it."

Only people who've worked--not just hung in there, kept the status quo, or settled for pretty good--but those who have blood, sweat, and tears WORKED for something for longer than ten years understand those truths.

And that little girl who God created with a longing and a desire to see the world, to expand her horizons, to know God in all His glory? God has used marriage as the conduit through which to fulfill all those deepest longings and desires. After watching God work for fifteen years, I can't wait to watch how He works for another fifty! And by choosing to stay married and to keep working toward maintaining the best marriage God has designed, I am guaranteed a front row seat to watching God work!

Joey Durham, you love me like Jesus, most days, to the best of your ability. You sacrifice yourself for me and our family. You submit your will to the Lord's for our betterment. You love me just the way I am, no strings attached. You see me for who I am, and you accept that only God can change me, so you just figure out how to love me exactly where I am. You lead our family toward Christ. You lead by word and example. Don't ever urge me to leave you or turn back from you. Where you go, I will go and where you stay, I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God will be my God. (Ruth 1:16) I made that promise fifteen years ago and engraved it on your wedding band because you're never getting rid of me. I love my Jesus, therefore, I love you. Happy anniversary my love.

And may God get all the glory!