Joey and I do not have the perfect marriage. We've cussed at each other, thrown things, stormed off and out and away at times. We've screamed and cried and belittled. I've disrespected him, and he's withheld love I desperately needed. We've sat through our fair share of counseling. It has not always been peaches and roses and adoring Instagram posts. It has been work.
It has been hard work. Marriages don't come together over night, and they don't stay together once you say I do. There's no magical glue in those vows that cements two hearts together forever. No, those vows are a covenant statement before God and man that the two of you will choose to work with and for each other for better or worse, for sicker or poorer, 'til death do you part. God never breaks His covenants with us. His Word is His bond; it is His promise; you can stake your life on it. Your marriage vows should be the same, or you shouldn't choose to make them.
(I'm leaving a wide open door here for those that have found themselves in a marriage where their spouse is physically abusing them and putting their life or the lives of their children in jeopardy. By all means, get yourself out of that situation.)
But for the rest of us, our word should mean something. Those vows should be honored no matter how difficult the life circumstances. I have yet to watch a marriage fall apart where at some point in time during the disintegration of the marriage both people suffered from an inability to admit their faults. Something the other person did or is doing or has done is always worse than what they see in the mirror. That's pride, friends. Pride makes us rate our sin instead of being broken over the fact that we actually sin. Your inability to admit your faults--pride--is the same sin in the eyes of God as the adulterer. We all sin. We all fall short of the glory of God. Every day.
Why are we so quick to hold this against our spouse? To create a boundary where they've gone too far, hurt us too much that we harden our hearts against them? That we choose not to forgive them? That we choose to be the one that refuses to change this time? Who am I to throw up that wall?
Did God ever throw up that wall in our relationship? Has He ever said, "That's it. That's enough. I won't take anymore sin from you in this relationship. You've hurt Me for the last time. Your unwillingness to change is intolerable, and what you offer is too little, too late. We're done." ? Praise God He has never, ever even considered treating me this way because of the blood and sacrifice of my Jesus and the covenant He made with me through Christ! When I said yes to Him all those years ago, He said yes to me, and He's never backed away.
Marriage was designed to be an earthly reflection and metaphor for our relationship with God. No other relationship, no other friendship, no other acquaintance comes with a covenant commitment said in ceremony before God and witnesses. That's what makes marriage holy and set apart and different. We're vowing to each other to make it work, no matter what. Just like the Lord makes our relationship with Him work--for our good even--no matter what.
So why does it come as a surprise that marriage is hard work? Because the movies tell us differently? Because all fairy tales have happy endings? Where are any of those ideas in the Bible?
I see people willing to make all kinds of sacrifices every day for their children, their athletics, their health, their careers, their ministries, their causes, their passions. They devote time and money to the study of these things, to the improvement and betterment of themselves in these areas of their lives. They sacrifice pieces of themselves, pushing themselves, and are even willing to change themselves to consider themselves a success in these areas of life, to be validated as a success by others in these areas of life.
Yet somehow we think the work, the act, the job, the aspiration of a successful marriage isn't worth the same consideration and commitment. It shouldn't be this hard.
What a lie from the devil this generation has bought. And the nuclear fall out of divorce continues to be felt by and to mold our children and their children and their children. What if this generation decided it was time to put an end to divorce? What if when we chose to say I do, we understood the gravity of those words and the work it would require to achieve the goal of a thriving marriage? What if we set our minds to the work ahead of us, studying our spouse, seeking understanding through healthy communication, dreaming together, living the highs and lows of life together, adding new tools to our toolbox for marriage each step along the way? What if we chose to stay? What if we chose to fight for each other instead of against? or instead of giving up?
I'm forever grateful my Jesus chooses to stay with me and fight for me even when I've chosen to get in the car and drive far away. He chooses me every time and always. He even comes looking for me. What if in marriage we sought the heart of our spouse the way Jesus seeks us?
Because the truth is marriage was God's idea and design to begin with. It won't work without Him at the center. God designed each of us with a God-shaped hole. If we don't fill it with a relationship with Him first, we have no hope of any other relationship standing the test of time. If after committing your life to following Christ, you find yourself committing to do life with another sinful human for better or worse, I will attend that wedding and celebrate with you, but also remind you of the choice you are making, the vow you are saying, the calling you are accepting because that man or woman has now become your second most important priority in life behind your relationship with Christ.
You want to teach your children the importance of grit, determination, stick-to-it-ness? Stay married.
You want to show others what it means to honor a commitment; that your word is your bond? Stay married. You want to be an example to a generation looking for role models who don't leave when it gets hard, who don't abandon when the stress is high, who aren't always looking for a better option or opportunity? Stay married. You want to show others what it looks like to fight for something you believe in? Stay married. You want to change the course of the future and rewrite history for those watching you, observing you, modeling themselves after you? Stay married.
And don't just choose to stay married and cohabitate and coexist. That's not marriage. That's the way of the sluggard. That's the sin of sloth on display. Marriage is two becoming one--mind, body, heart, and soul. That takes work. That takes research. That takes asking for help. That takes never giving up. That takes a lifetime.
Plus, when you sit down to talk to the people who have stayed, who've worked hard to make it work, who've made it through the decades of hard, but enjoyed three times as many decades of good together, they all tell you it was worth it. Every tear, ever smile, every belly laugh, every curse, every hurt, every joy--it was worth it. We envy them. We want what they have. The question is will you stick around long enough for that to be your story too? Will you choose to do the hardest work, aspire to the greatest lifetime achievement award of staying married?
From what I've observed in my short almost-forty years, it is hands down, short of introducing them to a relationship with Christ, the best gift I can give my children, and the best testimony of character I live out in front of a watching world. If the one legacy I leave behind in this world is a model, an example for how to stay married and thrive, I will have considered it a great honor for my Jesus to allow that to be my purpose for walking this earth. Because my friends, it just really isn't about me and my happiness today or tomorrow, it's about the eternal effects my daily choices can make for all those that follow. So I choose Jesus, and I choose Joey because those are the only two relationships I willingly chose to tie my life to in covenant promise. The rest--the kids, the career, the health, the ministries, the passions--I trust will fall into place how and when my Jesus sees fit.
Choose to do the hard thing, the hard work, the thing that, maybe today hurts so much. Choose Jesus. Choose your spouse. Seek help. Stay married. It's worth it. I promise it's worth it. You just won't ever know how worth it is for yourself unless you choose to stay.
