There's A Tattoo On My Back

I know I write about grief a lot. After my last post, my husband gently questioned, "Is that really where you are all the time?" The truth is yes and no. Grief is funny that way. In this season of my life, it is also where the Lord continually shows up, proving Himself to me over and over again. 

But the truth lies in His presence being with me in the highs and the lows, a constant presence in the ordinary and the mundane as well.

The truth is I have experienced so much joy and beauty in the midst of my grief that it seems incongruent to be able to write about both. So, I put a tattoo on my back.

This piece of art was five years in the making. Veale's death had left me marked in such a way, it didn't seem honest to let that truth be only tattooed on my heart. But it took five years of prayer, Pinterest searching, Bible reading, and God bringing the right tattoo artist at the right place and time across my path to get it done.

You see, this is my daily reminder that joy and beauty are found all around me--in the midst of the pain and the hard and the sad, there is thrill, life abundant, adventure, and newness to be born and discovered every morning, around every corner. The common thread binding these two polar realities together? IN HIS PRESENCE.

In Jesus' presence, I experience peace, hope, comfort, joy, and a renewed love for His purpose for my life. This promise in psalms has been my anchor through the waves of grief and my reason for rejoicing at my highest highs......

Psalm 16:11 "You make known to me the path of life; 

                                       you will fill me with joy in your presence,

                                                                                                                            with eternal pleasures at your right hand." (NIV)

Savannah Veale had tattooed Job 33:4 across her rib cage as a reminder that regardless of her asthma and allergies and all the suffering they brought to her life, it was God who gave her the breath of life. It was for His glory and His purposes that she lived each day to the fullest. She was the literal, walking embodiment of joy in the midst of pain. Her tattoo was her reminder to herself that her life was not her own.....

Job 33:4 "The Spirit of God has made me;
                                                                                               the breath of the Almighty gives me life." (NIV)

And where have I found God's presence? Where have I not is a better question! My entire life I have seen Him in the artistry of His creation--every cell, every atom of matter, creature, weather movement, sunset, sunrise, mountain crag, ocean swell--in all of it, I see Jesus. I feel and experience His presence. I see God's brush strokes, His attention to detail, how the fires burn and life greens anew from the ashes, how the clouds roll in yet make for the most beautiful sunsets, how the climb is steep and jagged yet the view from the top is breathtaking. If you ever wonder why I love to travel, it's because I love to see the extent and glory of my Jesus in the world He created out of love for you and me. I can't get enough....

Psalm 19:1 "The heavens declare the glory of God,
                                                                                   and the sky above proclaims his handiwork." (ESV)

If you want to have your own personal worship experience with the Lord, find your favorite place to sit in His creation and meditate on the entirety of Psalm 19. See if He doesn't reveal Himself to you in a new way, a personal way.

And the last verse on the compass of my tattoo, well, this one was a personal call for me. I chose it because it's the verse in the Bible that comes to mind when you think of joy. The joy of the Lord is your strength, right? But when I went to look at the verse in its entirety, to make sure I wanted the context tattooed on me forever, this is what I found....

Nehemiah 8:10 "Nehemiah said, “Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, for                              the joy of the Lord is your strength.”(NIV)

Now, the context of the story in Nehemiah was God's children grieving as the Word of God was being read. Whether because of the realization of just how much of the law they had broken, were unable to keep, or from an overwhelming sense of unworthiness, I'm not sure, but the text is clear that they were grieved and weeping when they heard the words of the law. (Nehemiah 8:9b) But grief is grief. Why you grieve doesn't diminish the emotion or weight of grief. 

What I read here, what I heard God say to me in this verse was, "Jennifer, Go! Live your life. Enjoy what I have given you--food, health, friendships, children, marriage, ministry--Enjoy them! Share these with those around you, the ones who aren't experiencing these things, the ones who don't have Me to enjoy. Jennifer, stop grieving, for your strength to move forward, to live life, to enjoy life is found in Me. I AM the joy you so desperately seek and want to be consumed by."

And in the fullness of this verse, of which we so often only quote the last line, the Lord gave me permission, a commission even, to stop grieving and enjoy Him and share Him and give Him all the glory and all the credit for any strength or joy anyone may think I have.

And so as an obedient child, I do my best to enjoy Him and all He has given. Every chance I get. I endeavor to laugh as hard as I cry, to smile as often as I may have cause for concern, to celebrate as much as I mourn, and to be grateful even in the midst of loss. 

The beauty is one emotion does not matter more or outweigh the other. One emotion does not cancel out or diminish the importance or reality of the other. In Jesus' presence I am free to experience both fully, without fear or condemnation for He is Lord of it all.

Which is why in His presence is exactly where I aim to live my life because there is where I find everything I ever need.

Endure AND Enjoy: Christmas Letter 2017

Dear Family & Friends,                                                                                          December 2017

Well, 2017 is winding down, and I struggle a bit to write this letter this year. Why? Because I have nothing profound to share, to announce, or bemoan. 2017 has been a hard year and a good year. The Lord has shown up in so many highs and lows and plateaus with one consistent message, “Endure AND Enjoy!”

This year held travels to Death Valley, Mexico, the Grand Canyon, Ormond Beach, and several camping weekends as our family was blessed with the purchase of a camping trailer. One of our biggest blessings this year has been camping with our California people. The friendships that have deepened and grown here in this past year have been a true gift for which we are deeply grateful.

Weston turned eight in August. The change I’ve seen in him physically in a year makes my Mama heart cry. So many teeth lost and inches grown! He’s officially in love with soccer, and we’ve enjoyed watching his love of football increase. He’s bright and witty and all-boy. He still likes to hold my hand in public and snuggle on the couch for some TV watching, so for these small things, I’m deeply grateful. Both kids completed their first full year of piano lessons, and I continue to be blown away by how much they’ve improved and grown in a year’s time.

Savannah turned ten in October, and to say she’s blooming into a beautiful young girl is an understatement. She’s continued in her gymnastics this year, but also played soccer and water polo. She constantly amazes me with her natural abilities and the ease and flexibility with which she tackles life. As always, she loves every moment of everything, spreading joy and fun and light to anyone she manages to corral. I think I’m most proud of how she consistently reads her devotions in the morning. Both children continue to grow in their love and knowledge of Jesus, and it’s really of their own choosing which is both encouraging and challenging since consistency in my own time with the Lord is still an area I seem to constantly be seeking improvement!

Joey celebrated 40 this year and continues to love his job as a financial consultant for Chick-fil-A. I’m grateful for a husband whose integrity, perseverance, and commitment to his job translates equally to how he leads our home—constantly looking to improve, open to feedback, and never backing down from a hard conversation. I’ve watched the Lord use these skills along with many others as Joey felt led to join the school board of the new classical school God started in September of this year for our kids and 38 others. Choosing to invest in the founding of The Geneva School has been a true walk of faith and continues to be, but Joey has been a rock for me and our children in the process, and his willingness to serve and sacrifice time and energy to do what God has called us to do is admirable.

As for me, this year has been a test of endurance in so many areas of life. I trained for and completed three sprint triathlons, was blessed to lead a ministry team of high schoolers on a mission trip to Mexico, and I continue to be challenged and blessed through service in both the high school and women’s ministries at our church. When God opened our school in September, I also felt led to serve two days a week as a classroom aide, so to say the speed of life and the fullness of my days has increased would be an understatement.

But amid the busyness, I have also been deeply in tune with how the Lord is working in these areas of my life, calling me, preparing me to dig in, root deep, and endure. I’ve learned that endurance doesn’t necessarily produce growth or forward progression of any kind, but it does build strength of character because endurance is the ability and determination to stay, to stick-with-it, to be present and steadfast. Endurance holds you steady; it’s the quality that requires you stay the course. We live in a culture and a world where so many are constantly looking for the next challenge, the next high, the next accomplishment, the next opportunity, the next goal to attain, the next thing to check off their bucket list because there is a natural rush in attaining these good things. Aiming toward these things gives a sense of meaning and purpose, so when I found myself in a season where there was no five-year-plan or dream-big goal, I floundered for a bit.

Until I started recognizing the lesson in the floundering was that when I focused on being present today, in this moment, with this person, or this child, I wasn’t actually floundering anymore, I was living the biggest, most audacious dream of them all—to love others as Jesus loves me. To live this way doesn’t require a five-year plan, but it does require endurance to keep the faith and walk the path God has placed you on; it requires a commitment to staying with Jesus and in His Word and choosing to be in His presence no matter how hard or nonchalant or fulfilling a day may turn out to be. To endure is to stay.

Which doesn’t sound very fun or impressive, but about mid-year God pointed out that it’s not just about enduring, it’s also about enjoying. Enjoying the blessings of friendships and belly laughs and cooking club antics. Enjoying the gift of small hands holding mine and saying ‘yes’ to throwing the football and playing a board game and waking up together in our camper on a cool California morning. Enjoying the sunshine, crashing waves, and the blessing of good health. Enjoying even the tears shared with friends and the comfort only God can wrap you with in hard times. Enjoying long soccer practices, never-ending laundry, super-chill date nights, and spontaneous lunches with friends.

Be present as you endure, but be present to enjoy—this has been 2017.

Does this letter find you in a season of wandering, of annoying difficulties, or a string of everyday, run-of-the-mill moments? I challenge you to sit in these, to stay, to dig deep and endure all the while choosing to find the simple beauty and flashes of enjoyment that are there. We just need to learn to slow down long enough to actually acknowledge and enjoy the minutes of time, instead of spending all our energy striving to plan for the hours ahead.

This life is a marathon, my friends. We must learn to enjoy a steady pace because most of us aren’t built to sprint the entire way! Endurance isn’t a glamorous part of the journey, but it builds an unshakeable strength. Learning to enjoy, treasure, and appreciate the small things along the way is how you’re able to endure the act of enduranceJ

Colossians 1:10-14 “[T]hat you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please Him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to His glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of His holy people in the kingdom of light. For He has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son He loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.”

And Amen to that! Because therein lies the greatest Christmas Gift of all in the beginning of our redemption and rescue by the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ! May 2018 be a year filled with possibilities and joy for you and yours. May endurance hold you steady and enjoyment sprinkle the seconds of your days.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from our home to yours!

Joey,  Jennifer,  Savannah & Weston Durham