Ok, it's time for a few confessions on my part and some honesty. (This is a long one people, so hang with me or stop now. When I write like this, it's more for my own catharsis anyways, plus God tells me to=) This pregnancy has been hard, difficult, and in some ways, very lonely for me. It's just the way God has seen fit to orchestrate circumstances in my life--Joey in school, my mom going back to work full-time, no more Bible studies, so friends are busy, busy with their own lives, etc., etc., etc.--excuses, excuses, excuses.
NONE of these factors should result in the negative attitude of self-pity I have given into over the past few months. Yes, it's hard. Yes, it sucks being stuck at home by yourself, A LOT, with an almost two-year old and a boulder strapped to the front of your lower waist. But God has shown me recently that I have allowed my negative thoughts and attitude to strap me into a subtle, puddle of sin. Not a mire, or a pool I'm drowning in, but enough that I can feel pretty dirty and miserable of my own accord too often.
The number one culprit to this negative attitude? Not having my daily quiet time. Simple. A few weeks ago, some of my friends started meeting every other week for the next four weeks to do the study Me, Myself, & Lies by Jennifer Rothschild. Now, I'm not terribly fired up about the study...it's good, don't get me wrong, but my attitude has been lately, "What's the point? Why waste your time? No one gives a rip about what you do or think anyway?" Lies, lies, lies...all lies, right? I see this now, but getting stuck in a puddle is not nearly as hard to recognize as getting sucked down into quicksand.
So I begrudgingly decided one day to actually commit to completing my studies. I would view it like homework, an assignment that needed to be completed, and quite frankly, just do it. How grateful I am that even when God knows our heart He is gracious enough to give us what we do not deserve despite ourselves. And boy has He shown up in my life! Not in anything outstanding because every day I sit down with my Bible like I'm completing a homework assignment, doggedly determined to do something right in a day, but He shows up in how just doing a homework assignment changes your outlook, your attitude, and the way you can accept circumstances in your life without having your joy stolen. Just from being willing to open His Word and read and think. He truly has been so good to me.
So what exactly has my problem been? Here's a few quotes from the book to give you an idea:
Sin shows up in self-loathing, negative attitudes, and accepting lies as truth. Yeah, didn't really think of my negative attitude as a "sin" per se until I read that....
It is sin to believe lies when God equipped you to recognize and receive truth. Ouch! Again, didn't know I was that bad of a sinner....
One day talked about the sin of assumption and presumption which is to take for granted that your way, your view, and your opinion are worthy of forming the foundation of your thoughts. Presumption shows itself in me when I wrongly assume my perspective is complete but it is actually limited by my experiences and flawed by my sinful nature. Yikes!
That last one hit too close to home for me. I "expect" and "assume" things of Joey, my friends, and family all the time without them or myself really even recognizing what I'm doing. I end up disappointed, and they end up getting their feelings hurt or seeing me as a person I don't want to be, all because I'm not allowing God to control my thought processes. So although those quotes I pulled (out of context) may sound like I'm condemning myself, I'm really just sharing with you the quiet work of instruction and discipline God has been allowing in my soul. With this new perspective on my daily sin, I am better able to respond rightly to God, prayerfully hand over to Him all the expectations and assumptions I want others in my life to fulfill, and be content with what He chooses as the outcomes.
Unfortunately for me, the consequence of just now recognizing my mistakes after so many months is that I've already hurt and distanced people from myself without even realizing what I was doing. So if you are one of those that has kinda written me off for the time being, so to speak, because I've been too much of a "Debbie-Downer", please forgive me and know that I'm a work in progress just like everyone else. I'm learning more and more that no one ever has it all together completely, no matter how good things look or sound from the outside.
So that's where I am, that's my confession. I pray this enlightens, helps explain, or maybe just makes you feel like you're not alone in how you struggle. Let me end with something I wrote in my journal for my kids a few weeks back--(I actually can't believe I really wrote something like this...it sounds too profound, but that just means God wrote it, not me=) Psalm 40 was my inspiration: "Sometimes we need to get to a point in our lives when we realize the depth of even the simplest of our sins, so that we can truly appreciate the goodness and faithfulness of our God. May I always feel out of control, alone, and unworthy if it means I get to feel His hand at work in my heart teaching me otherwise. How great is my God!"
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