This is a very typical day in my life. As a matter of fact, this happens almost every day with little to no variance. There's no down time, no me time, very little intentional time. There's no JOY.
And when joy has seeped out of your life and has suddenly gone missing, you start looking for it desperately.
That's how I found myself on my own little self-cation. Kinda like a vacation from the life above, but being totally focused around myself. I can't pinpoint the exact day I went on self-cation, but it was definitely two to three weeks ago. I slept in later than usual, leaving pop-tarts and juice cups out for the kids. Oh, I made sure they got their meals, but everything in between is a blur. I finished the entire Hunger Games series in three days. Couldn't tell you what my kids were doing while I read those books. They were safe and fed, that's all I really know. I tried to spend time with my friends, filling my days with conversations I wanted to have, making sure my kids were entertained by others. I "cooked" meals at night that took no forethought or real preparation in the name of "making good use of what was in the pantry" like peanut-butter and jelly and bread. I ate out when/if possible, not monitoring the nutrition intake of myself or the kids. I basically checked out, trying to find joy in doing what I wanted to do instead of the million-item-long list of all the things I was suppose to do because I'm a mom, and a wife, and a stay-at-home one at that.
Notice, that in neither of these circumstances, my usual day spoken of at first, nor my self-cation involved consulting or including the Lord in my plans. Why? Because I know better. Because living the Christ-filled life is hard and exhausting at times. There's got be something better right? A better way? An easier way, right?
The Holy Spirit inside of me was already speaking to me in all of these circumstances begging me to return to the Lord, to listen to Him, to just sit in His presence and spend a little time. But my flesh, oh my flesh!! My flesh is sinful and strong, and without Him I am weak. (Romans 7:21-25) So I let my fleshly pride of control and the idea of me, me, me, me guide my day and my decisions, and my search for joy got lost in a sea of pride, which eventually drowned me in an ocean of shame and self-loathing. The temptation of myself led me down a path toward death. (James 1:14-15) Well, I haven't actually died, but my spirit has been slowly withering away, becoming weaker in the process, harder to return to the Lord. The further I slipped away the harder it became to turn back, to throw off this yoke of sin and reach for the easier yoke of the Lord. (Matthew 11:30)
The Christ-filled life is hard, don't get me wrong, but when our sin drags us back into the slavery of the self-cation, we suddenly find ourselves burdened beyond what we can bare, and it's then we remember what kind of freedom we actually have IN CHRIST. And in that moment of remembrance, like the prodigal son's epiphany (Luke 15:17), all I had to do was turn my eyes back toward my Father's direction.
Hear me in this! All I had to do was turn my eyes. Where my eyes turned in desire, my heart followed. Lift my head ever so slightly, shift my gaze back to Him and what I had let slip away, and in that one small moment, the one tiny glimmer of humbleness in a spark of repentance, GOD WAS THERE.
He swept back through my heart and wiped away the cobwebs of neglect. Through my tears of brokenness and repentance, He restored my heart, my will, my mind. He filled me again because He was always right there. As His child, once sealed with His Spirit in faith through the blood of Christ, He never left me. He just couldn't abide IN ME, LIVE THROUGH ME while I was preoccupied with self, with flesh, with the world. Because the world hates me because I'm His (John 15:19--read this and your true alliances are really put in perspective!), and He loves me because I'm His, and the two just can't coexist together in one space, in one heart. It always has to be one or the other. (James3:11-12)
So, like most vacations, I find myself slowing assimilating back into the life He has called me to live. Full restoration of communion with God is accomplished when confession and repentance are offered and forgiveness accepted, but full restoration of the shambles you've made of your life in the process? Well, that takes time. It's part of the consequences of sin. I can be in perfect communion with my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ AND still have to work through the mess He allowed me to make of myself at the same time. The difference?
Now I have the joy I was searching for. It's only found in Him and through Him. It's only found in utter humility. So the question begs? How do you stay humble? How do you stay in this bent state of awe to the God who would take you back, unconditionally, every time? If I knew this answer, I might stop going on self-cations! But I think the answer lies in spending daily intentional time in His presence. The more I can't, won't, stop doing this, that's when the sliding away begins. The very moment I stop entering into His presence is when I enter the presence of self, and this is why the Christ-filled life is hard. We live our daily lives in a war zone, a rage of battles in the mind and body. I can't let up for one moment. I can't forget for one moment that God is near, that He is mine, and that the victory is His. (Ephesians 6:12)
Victory! Joy! I want these in the day to day. I want to see what God sees when He looks at this life. I want His eyes--to the see the world for it's potential to praise Him as it was created instead of seeing everything that's broken and fallen and wrong. And until the day when I enter His presence for all eternity, I will struggle and fight and battle to see as God sees because the way He sees is full of joy and victory and wonder and excitement and all things pure and lovely, admirable, and praise-worthy. Everything that is excellent!!! (Philippians 4:8) Who wouldn't want to see what God sees?
So I am left to discipline myself, my flesh, to the bending of the knee and the heart, to the humbling before the cross because the lower I become the more joy I find fills my every pore. The less of me there is to perform, the more of God there is to shine. With my face in the dirt, body pressed to the ground, trying so desperately to disappear, then the blood of the cross can wash over me, literally run right off of Him over my prostrate shell of flesh, and no one can see me. They only see His blood. His sacrifice. His way.
And when others see Him, when my children see Him, when my husband sees Him, when Christ makes the difference, I am all JOY! ALL JOY. Because it's none of me and all of Him, and somehow, the way He's knit me together--knit us together--somehow, we are created to quiver with real joy when He is exalted. So maybe all the days in between the highs and lows of life, all the mediocre mundane, can look something like this.... (hang with me here...)
6am the alarm goes off. Silent prayer with eyes closed that this is another day, another opportunity to love the Lord. Maybe, in God's strength I can climb out of bed to do my quiet time, but if I don't, if the night was too long, and my body too tired, I will accept God's grace for this morning, and thank Him for another day to serve and try again. 7am Savannah comes in to wake us up. Silently thank the Lord for a vibrant little girl who loves life. TV turned on, morning snack and juice cup delivered. 7:30 the day gets started. Breakfasts are made, lunches packed if necessary, breakfast dishes washed, dishwasher unloaded to be reloaded. Car packed for the day's needs (school, Bible study, play date, errands, park, etc.) Silent shorts prayers offered all the while for people that pass through my mind. Prayers of thanks for the breakfast provided. Maybe some Bible verses read and discussed. Moments of conversations with the children appreciated and wrapped in gratitude and prayer over each extra moment or brief second of godly wisdom possibly shared. If we're staying home, laundry commences, straightening of the house, pulling out and putting away of toys, clothes, etc. Maybe some play dough time or finger painting if I'm feeling extra artsy. Maybe we laugh and play and sing silly songs or Bible songs and take time to point out things we are grateful for. Teachable moments are recognized and caught and the Christ-filled life is lived out in front of my children. Lunch happens. Dishes get washed and put away. Lunch mess cleaned up. Play time after lunch for an hour or so until nap time. Thanks to God is given at the meal, maybe another opportunity to read a little more Bible, discuss a Bible verse, or recap the mornings activities. Maybe when we go outside, we start to list all the beauty of God's creation for which we are grateful, taking notice and being appreciative. We see God together. Rest/Nap time happens. Sometimes I rest, sometimes I do pilates, sometimes I just do more household chores. I choose to turn off the TV and pick up my Bible. I spend 5-10 minutes in communion with my Lord, more if I can spare. If I can't, I accept the grace God offers and fall asleep myself if I need to. Kids wake up. We all snack and watch Wild Kratts together. TV turns off. Their self entertainment begins, and I kick into dinner prep mode. Joey gets home, joyfully and lovingly greeted. Dinner is served. Thanks to God for His provision is given. The kids wrestle with dad for 30 minutes or so. I smile and silently thank the Lord for a husband who plays with his children, sending up prayers that this never stops. I wash and put away dishes and leftovers, thanking the Lord that I can do this, so Joey has more time with the kids. Thanking Him for leftovers and room in the fridge to keep it all. Maybe 30 more minutes of family time then it's bed and bath routine. Grateful for a husband who jumps in and helps out. Spending precious time with the kids saying prayers, singing songs of praise, and taking advantage of those vulnerable, precious moments before bedtime when God opens the heart of a child to their parent. Kids are in bed,--thank the Lord the kids are in bed!--, but instead of zoning out on the couch, maybe I sit and reconnect with my husband, or I choose my Bible instead of the TV, thanking the Lord that I have a little peace and quiet before another day begins. Praying for a peaceful night's rest. Basking in the peaceful sleep of a day full of joy.
A Day Full Of Joy. Did you catch the difference? Humility and Gratitude, lack of self and focus on Christ--it changes the entire day. It can change the rest of my life.
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