Where I Am

I know you really want to hear about the kids....I promise I will post another one soon with new pics. Right now, my head and my heart are full.

The kids are good. Surprisingly, and thankfully, healthy. We're in a good rhythm around the house, so why is it I feel so burdened? So pushed to the end of my rope some days? (Hang with me if you really want to hear the answer=)

Physically? With all the humbleness I can put in this statement, praise be to God, I am in the best physical shape I have EVER been in. Do I have to work hard? Yes. Am I tempted to give in and give up? Yes. But that's not the "crux of the issue" as my Granddaddy Frank would say. Plus, that's another blog for another day=)

Spiritually, I am in the middle of two Bible studies. One I started with my mom in the beginning of the summer, and I just keep plugging away at it. Some weeks only completing a day or two of homework in one week. This study: Ruth by Kelly Minter. I'm also, half-committedly, doing a Friday morning Bible study with some women from church. The study: Esther by Beth Moore. Why God has me doing a Bible study on both of these great women of the Bible at the same time, I have no idea. But it leaves me feeling very challenged and thought-provoked on a daily basis.

Not to mention that both of these studies refer and overlap with the Proverbs 31 woman. Geez! As if we as women don't put enough pressure on ourselves to perform, there's always this lady to live up to. But then it dawned on me, a new revelation. A God gift. In Bible study this morning, our leader mentioned that the Hebrew interpretation of our word "commandment" is seen as an "opportunity". They (the Jews) don't view it like law--like a "have to." They view following God's commandments as an act of love--like a "get to." Wow! If only I could let that really sink in. If only God would write that into the fiber of my very being, so my flesh would stop fighting. Just think how that changes the outlook of an entire day?

Being commanded to be a suitable helper (Genesis 2:20b) to my husband--a cook, a maid, a nanny, a cheerleader, a lover, a partner, a friend--it's all an opportunity to love him, ultimately loving God. (The burden seems lighter.) The commandment to train (Proverbs 22:6) up your child, to walk, talk, and live God's example (Deuteronomy 6:6-9)--lived out by daily being a nurse, doctor, law enforcer, teacher, counselor, gate keeper, body guard, chauffeur, chef, waitress, bus boy--it's all an opportunity to love them, ultimately loving God, and prayerfully helping to point them to God. (The burden is still noticeable, but Some One's carrying it with me.) The commandment to be a child of God--a humble servant, a seeking heart, a brave soul, a prayer warrior, a praise instrument, a trumpet to the world around me, a light to all who care to look this way--it's all an opportunity to love myself, ultimately loving Him. (The burden seems bearable, almost enjoyable.)

If only we could see the Ten Commandments as Ten Opportunities, this nation might not have taken them out of our court houses. Because hey, we're all about the land of the free the home of the brave and the golden opportunity. What if we just need to change our marketing technique for God's Word? What if instead of preaching it to others as The Command over their life, the Ultimate Rule Book, we simply said hey, here's some opportunities you might not have considered yet? Here's a way of living, that if you give it an honest try...like really throw your whole heart and soul into it, you might find there's more to it than just an old book that's been around for centuries. You might find the living, breathing, Word. Alive. Active. Full of opportunity when it seems there is none.

Mentally, I am exhausted. Daily I pray that God would grant my brain the "nothing" box that He has given the men in my life. I would give almost anything to truthfully be able to say, "I'm thinking about nothing." And mean it. Daily I run through each and every relationship in my life in my head. Because you see, I'm not just a wife, a mother, and a child of God. I'm a sister, a daughter, a cousin, a niece, a granddaughter, an aunt, a mentor, and a friend as well.

Each relationship requires different communication, different maintenance techniques. Each relationship, sometimes more than one at a time, on a daily basis, requires forgiveness. Truly forgiving is exhausting, but cleansing at the same time. I take that back. Truly forgiving is not exhausting. It's the arguments or "conversations" I've had in my head with all these people before God convicts me and brings me to the conclusion I just need to forgive them, that is exhausting.

These people never know they've hurt me. They never know how their actions or decisions effect me. Most of these people probably don't even consider my feelings when they go about their daily lives, and that's not necessarily a bad thing. I'm not saying they should. We can't please everyone. We can't live our lives for others. We only answer to God for ourselves. But I am learning, that just as in the life of Esther and Ruth, every decision we make, no matter how seemingly insignificant, has a ripple effect in the lives of people around us, and even weightier...in the generations to come.

I want to live my life defeating and overcoming generational curses, so that I can pass down an even greater abundance of generational blessings to the ones who come behind me. I was encouraged today when I heard that generational curses are passed down through the third and fourth generation (Exodus 34:7), BUT generational blessings are passed on for thousands of generations (Exodus 20:6)!!! How great is our God! We must live with our consequences (and according to Scripture, our children must also), but His blessings always outweigh those consequences in the end.

My husband said it best the other day, when he said he's been working on living life more intentionally. This means that not a day goes by when he doesn't ask me the question, "So what's the plan for today?" or make the statement, "So here's what I'm thinking the plan for today should be..." I love surprises and spontaneity. There is a time and place for the "fly by the seat of your pants" moments, but ultimately, I want someone to look at my life and say, she intentionally lived her life to please God in every decision she ever made, and she had a great time doing it!

Now, I know I can be a little more on the pessimistic side some days, so I'm working on that last part--this world is designed to steal joy, but I'm encouraged because our God says, "Take Courage! Hear it is. Right here in My hands, and in My presence. All you have to do is come and take it! Take Courage." So I'm resolved today, to put aside some fears, and be a noble woman--a woman of valor (Proverbs 31:10)--who takes courage. Not a woman who sits around waiting for some one to give it to her or to approve her for it. No--I'm just gonna take it. Why not? My whole life just might hinge on that decision--on that action or inaction. What is it you need to intentionally live to do today?