Christmas Letter 2013

So this year I tried to cut down on the number of cards I sent out, but with large families and an even larger pool of work folks for Joey--that didn't happen:(  However, some of you who may have always received one in the past got dropped this year, and I apologize.  I guess that's life.  No offense was meant, and if you sent us a card, I tried to send one back to you as well, so without further ado...here it is:

Merry Christmas (And now Happy New Year) Family & Friends!                                                           

Ah, 2013.  You have been a year for the books, yet coming to the end of it all, I feel so at peace and full of joy, expectant for the year to come.  Strange, considering I began the year with three months of intensive physical therapy because my back went out shortly after I mailed last year’s letter.   Happy to report I was back up and running the Gobble Jog with Joey for the 4^th year in a row this Thanksgiving!   

The month of April was good, but it was followed by May bringing only pain in the loss of our beloved babysitter of five years.  I had known her since she was 12 years old, and she was an intimate part of our family.  At the too-early age of 19, God called her home.  Her death still haunts the corners of our days.  I have grieved the closest thing I ever want to feel to losing a child this year.  Our Savannah has mourned her passing so deeply and tenderly.  This still casts a shadow over our lives as a family, and only time continues to let in the Light of God’s hope and comfort.

In the midst of the grieving though, we did have one of the best family vacations ever in June—such a sweet time of healing with family, only to be followed by an unexpected foot surgery for me and two small surgeries for Savannah in which infections had to be lanced.

Uneventful is NOT how you would describe our year.

The fall season brought us many firsts as well: a new future sister-in-love, (Congrats to my little brother Mark on his engagement!), both kids playing soccer for the first time (hilarious!), the schedule of a Kindergartner and a 4K preschooler, two new nieces, a nephew and a “niece”-cousin, and Upward basketball and cheerleading to boot.  Life has been busy, yet so good.

Thankfully, Weston and Joey both stayed well with no major bumps in the road to report.  Weston did have his tonsils removed in March, but the relief it has brought him was totally worth it.  He turned four in August, and he couldn’t be more witty or charming or sweet boy.  He definitely made the transition from toddler to little boy this year, and we couldn’t be more proud of how well he’s learning and maturing.   His thoughtfulness and laughter add a warmth to our days that is so needed.

Savannah turned six in October! (Where does the time go?!)  She couldn’t be more smart or loving or exuberant for life in all her pent-up enthusiasm for everything.  Starting Kindergarten at Midway Covenant Christian has been as natural for her as I always thought it would be.  She loves school as much as she loves everything else in life, and she has definitely inherited the Bounds family trait of being good at whatever she sets her mind to do.  She lost her first two teeth and learned how to swim and ride a bike on her own this year.  I caught a glimpse of her lounging in the back seat of the car today, and my heart ached at how grown up she looks.  Such sweet joy.

Joey worked with a new market this year as a financial consultant and still loves his new life as a corporate employee.  His travel schedule has become more routine for our family, and we thoroughly enjoy having him all to ourselves on the weekends=)

But the biggest announcement for this year was only a pipe dream this time last year, and it wasn’t even on our radar until the end of May, but God has been working in our lives as a family, and we know beyond a shadow of a doubt that moving to California in July of 2014 is completely and assuredly His will for our lives and our family.  We could not be more excited!!!!

This was a surprisingly easy decision to make, but only at the end of a yearlong process and journey God took our family through. Ultimately, God has been teaching us what it means to trust Him, how to trust Him.  He showed me through the study of Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, and Joseph that nothing is too big for Him to dream for my family or me. Then He showed me that He, Creator God, would give our family a big dream that He would fulfill in His time, in His way, for His glory.  And we started to get excited!  The dream that God plants in your heart is so much more exciting than anything you can imagine dreaming yourself, and living in the knowledge that we are exactly in the middle of God’s will for our lives is a very freeing and safe place to be.  Trusting God and following His plan for our lives is worth the sacrifices we have and will make with this move.  There’s just no words to describe other than all the glory that may come from our lives goes to a Great God who is truly Good to us in every way.

Yes, the yearlong transition stage is not fun, and it is hard emotionally for our family here in Georgia and for us. There are moments of deep sadness when we think about what we will be leaving behind for the years to come, but those thoughts are quickly followed by all the hope for what these years will hold for our family during this journey and adventure together as well.  We cannot express how deeply God completely fills us in the fulfillment of this decision!  We simply cannot wait to get going!

But in the meantime, we are here, serving faithfully where called, ministering as needed, training up two beautiful children (inside & out), and resting in the peace of knowing God is going to work out every detail to get us to California in His way, in His timing.  For those who know me, it is strange to find myself so completely at peace in having no idea what is going to happen next—my heart and my God just assure me it’s going to be good=)

So we ask that you please support us with your prayers.  Pray for God’s will for the right school choices in California for our kids, pray for Joey as he takes on a slightly more challenging role in his job with this move, pray for his and our safety as we travel often between east and west coast between now and then, pray for our family as we continue to weather the waves of grief that inevitably ebb and flow in and out of our days for so many reasons, and pray for me that God would keep my eyes lifted to Him in the hard moments of this transition.

And for yourself and your family this Christmas season, I pray this letter encourages you to put all your faith in our Lord Jesus Christ and His plan for your life.  I pray it challenges you to take the leap of faith and step out into the unknown when God calls you to do something that just sounds absolutely absurd, regardless of what others may think or say or how they might react.   Trust God my friends!  It doesn’t make one bit of logical sense sometimes, but we are having the time of our lives on the days when we can really live in the Spirit of that trust.  May trusting in the God who set the world in motion with just His words bring you to a place of safe haven this season as well.

This verse has been my hope and stay this year; I pray it could be yours also:

“Trust in Him at all times, (your name here); pour out your heart to Him,

for God is your refuge.” Psalm 62:8

Wishing you and your family all the blessings of this Christmas season.  May the reminder of His perfect gift to us in the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ spur you on in faith that He is the Giver of all good gifts and big dreams!  

Trust and obey/ for there’s no other way/ to be happy in Jesus/ but to trust and obey. –John H. Sammis

Trusting Him,

 Joey,  Jennifer, Savannah, & Weston

We're MOVING!!!!!!!!!!

So, I've been a little MIA this year, ok ALOT.  That usually means ALOT is going on behind the scenes either physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, or all of the above.  Let's just say this last year has been all of the above.

And I started to save this big news for the yearly Christmas letter, but it was just too much, so here I am with plenty of unlimited space to tell the whole story because quite frankly it's taken me all year to really process it anyway=)

In July of 2014, our family of four will be moving to Irvine, California. Sunny, southern California.

California?  What?  Am I not a Cobb County Georgia peach born and bred?  Does not every immediate family member on every side of mine and Joey’s family (minus a handful) live within an hours’ radius of Atlanta?  Isn’t California a 5-hour plane ride away on an opposite coast?  Yes.  On all accounts, yes.  Yet, I can’t wait to go!

How you ask?  How did God convince this Georgia girl--who never wanted anything, but to raise her children around her immediate family, who never wanted anything but for her children to grow up with their cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents all just around the corner—how did He convince me to move to California?

Step one: God humbled me severely.  Like "I-needed-antidepressants" severely.  2012 was a rough year.

But then, step two: He restored me fully.  I'm talking a fullness of joy and freedom I haven't felt in years, but I warn you it only came at the end of some intense counseling.

Step three: He took me through the book of Genesis for a year in BSF and showed me how all the great men and women of promise all followed a similar path.  He taught me--IS teaching me--how to trust Him.  He showed me through Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, and Joseph that nothing is too big for Him to dream for you, and then He showed me that He, Creator God, would give me a big dream and that He would fulfill it in His time, in His way, for His glory.  And I started to get excited!

It’s funny how following in God’s will and reading His Word and actually trying to put it into practice will get you to a point where you don’t even recognize the person you use to be because that’s exactly what God has used to change me in a year’s time. I am so grateful He took His time to prep the soil of my heart before leading Joey to take this leap of faith with our family!

In the midst of my sweet Savannah Veale’s death this past year, Jesus has shown me the truth of pouring your heart and everything out to Him (Psalm 62:8), casting all your cares on Him (1 Peter 5:7), and letting go to let Him be God (Deuteronomy 29:29).  

So when the phone call came the end of May that Chick-fil-A wanted to send us to California, I heard God clear as day say, “Will you trust me?  Will you go?  Will you leave your family behind and go to a foreign land that I have prepared for you?  Will you trust only in Me?”  And after spending a year in study telling myself, telling Him that I would take the leap of faith, risk my comfort, forsake it all whatever it may be if He asked, what choice did I really have?

I will never forget the moment God cemented this decision for me.  I was pouring over the choice in tears, struggling with the fear and the temptation to not trust God’s will when I asked God directly to make it clear, to give a sign, anything at all that would let me know His will was for us to move.  Not ten minutes later, a blog post showed up in my email with the title Instant Obedience, and I had my answer.  Abraham left immediately.  He picked up his things and went without a question recorded, without a plan or all the details in place. He didn't even know where he was going! (At least I know that much.) No, Abraham simply obeyed, and that is exactly what Joey and I feel we need to do—simply obey and trust.  And our days have been filled with a peace and joy that is inexplicable.  It is a true treasure to live your days knowing you are in the center of God’s will for your life!

So for those of you wondering how we ever got to this decision, there's the story.  There are a million unanswered questions ahead of us on this adventure.  My emotional state is a roller coaster at best right now.  But in the midst of it all, I am so grateful to my Lord Jesus Christ for providing a constant, firm foundation that He has built into my life through all the circumstances of the last few years.  He is my Rock, and there is no other like Him. He truly does work all things for our good and His glory, even the hard things, even the really, really hard things. 

Be encouraged!  He's still writing your story too!  He never forgets about a single one of His children, and His dreams are so much bigger than ours.  Let go.  Trust Him.  And if it's not the most freeing place you've ever experienced in your life, I'd like to know what is=)

Dear Senga

It's six months today since your little girl has died, and I use the word died because I'm having to get real with myself.  She's gone.  Not coming back.  And somehow using words like passed away, left this world, etc., etc. just puts a shiny band-aid on what is an ugly scar.  The truth is she died.

And every time her image flashes before my eyes on Instagram or a comment on an old picture on Facebook pops up, my heart breaks all over again.  And I cry.  I can't stop it.  I'll be driving down the road, look at my phone, see her beautiful, beautiful face on the screen, and just start crying.

I've tried to stop talking about her as much.  Not because I want to forget her...I can't, but because I want to stop crying.  I don't want to aggravate an old wound.  It's still tender.  It's still healing.  Not enough time has passed.

And yet, the last time we met, sitting in the Bojangles, catching up and reminiscing and using each others' company as a soothing balm, I am haunted by the words you said.  Her mother, tears brimming behind your eyes, voice catching in a halt as you struggled to say the words, "I just don't want people to forget her."  And my heart breaks all over again picturing you and her and those words and this life you are living--how some days must feel like a shell, a nightmare, and how others must be so full of joy in the fullness of God's love that fills every hole in your life.  What a roller coaster of emotion.

Hear me now in this fact--we have not forgotten.  No one has.  I dare say, we never will.

We can't talk about her all the time because it makes us cry.  It makes us hurt in a way that is unbearable.  It brings back the memory of the pain of the day she left us or the bittersweetness of those last memories with her, last conversations, last hugs, last laughs.  And sometimes it just hurts too much.  So we don't say anything.  We stuff all those feelings down deep inside.  Save them for a rainy day or a quiet place where the tears can spill unnoticed, and we don't have to explain ourselves to anyone.  We're not martyrs for trying to weather the grief alone, we're just human, trying to do whatever it takes to put one foot in front of the other without being an emotional basket case in front of the rest of world around us.  I dare say, no one has forgotten her.

We probably have stopped calling and texting and posting not because we have forgotten her, but because we're not sure what else there is to say.  Some are afraid it's hurtful to even bring her up in conversation.  I'm guilty of this myself with her own sister.  Do you talk about her or not?  Do you ask how the family is doing or not?  What do you say?  What do you not say?  And so my guess is that most people don't say anything at all.  Out of respect for you and your feelings and not wanting to be the one who reopens the hurt, people politely keep their mouths shut.  But oh, Senga!  No one has forgotten her!

People have not forgotten her, but there is truth in the fact that there are no new stories to tell, stories to share.  The new stories stopped when she left us. All we have are the old stories, the sweet memories, the fun times, the laughter shared.  Oh the laughter shared!  And so we remember those, we may not always share them with you, but we remember, and I dare say, we will never forget.

So sweet friend, grieving mother, please don't ever believe the lie from Satan that we have forgotten.  Regardless of how much time stretches between the mention of her name out loud, the thought of her has crossed our minds a million times a day in a million different ways.  She is never forgotten, and you will find blessed peace in claiming that truth for yourself.

And so since their are no new stories to share, I offer you the gift of a memory....My Savannah was missing your Savannah just the other night.  This always happens in the evenings, at the end of a day where something has triggered her memory of your sweet daughter.  She will ask me to lay in bed with her, then she will snuggle up close and stare far away with a look of longing on her face.  I always give her a bit of time, and then I ask, "What do you remember about Miss Savannah?"
       She sighs deeply, "I remember the hot chocolate parties we use to have."
       I smile, "Yeah?  Did Miss Savannah make good hot chocolate?"
       She nods her head, "And we got to drink out of real glasses.  We didn't break them or anything!"
We lay there and just let the memory linger, dancing at the corners of our minds and mouths.  I can see that hot chocolate party in her eyes.  I can imagine your Savannah making the concoction for them because quite frankly that was probably the only dessert she could find in our house, and she always turned lemons into lemonade AND a party=)  And I can see their little eyes shining expectantly, unable to sit still in their seats because this made them feel so special.  It was something only she did for them.  She made them feel so loved and so celebrated.  I can see it all behind the eyes of my little girl.

And that's a good memory.  That's a good story to tell.  That's why she will never be forgotten.  Because she left a mark on our souls just by being exactly who God made her to be.  We all have stories like that we will tell in passing for months and years and decades to come.  And as time continues to pass, we will tell those stories with smiles instead of tears, and that will make them all the more endearing.

How could we ever forget?!?!?  No, that's just a lie from the devil, Senga.  Just a lie from the devil. And I love you too much to let you believe a lie.

My Savannah

So some years are just milestones.  I can't pinpoint what makes six years old a milestone, but something about attending Kindergarten, reading on her own, memorizing flashcards, reciting and performing songs word for word (almost in key) makes six years old a milestone.

Six years ago today at around 6:30pm on a Monday, Savannah Lee changed my life forever when she made me a mom, and she keeps changing me every day.

She challenges me to draw closer to the Lord because only He knows how to parent her in the way she should go.  And I'm sure every parent feels this way, but her way will be special.  It will be blessed--full of joy, life, and the abundance of the Lord.  Her heartbreaks will be deep.  I'm seeing that now, but oh, the heights to which she will soar.  The heights to which she can make you soar.

She is the best of me and the spitting image of her daddy.  She is fun, brilliant, and kind.  Caring toward her friends, she manages to play dress up with the girliest of girls and turn around and wrestle with the best of the boys.  She has the Bounds family trait of being good at everything she does.  She is one of a kind, and I am so blessed God loaned her to me.

Happy Birthday precious girl!  You are loved so much more than you can even imagine.  I pray you don't just do great things in this lifetime, but that you learn to just be the best child of God you can possibly be.

With all my love,

(Click the picture above for more information about the photographer.  Lindsay Whited is a sweet friend of mine.  So blessed to have so many talented photographer friends in my life!)

For My Friend

So, I don't know that I've ever done this before, and typically I don't promote a whole lot of anything on my blog--pretty sure only about 10 people read this anyway, and most of those are family=)  But still, Sara Goede is a dear friend and mentor of mine.  We've spent A LOT of time pouring into each other, her more into me than vice versa I think, and this podcast is the reality of a vision and dream for her in her life, and it is an inspiration for me that God is using me right where I am, in this moment, in this day, in the middle of this load of laundry, to just BE--Be His, Be quiet, Be trusting, Be me in Him.

I invite those who read here on the occasions I actually post, to BE inspired, and subscribe to this podcast for the future to hear from real women with real everyday lives who love the Lord and are just trying to Be who He's called them to be in the midst of being wives, mothers, and followers of Christ. Listen here to find grace for yourselves in the midst of right where you are in life--no strings attached.

Click here to listen:  Be-Cast Episode 1: INTRODUCTION

Visit their website for more info and goodies: http://www.bestillbefree.com/

A Diary of Days

She's been gone three months today.  And to be honest, I blame her a little for the sunless, rainy summer we've had since her passing=)  Too much sunshine left this world when God took her home.

I have a message from her on my Voxer app on my phone.  For those not familiar with the app, it's like text messaging only with voice messages.  There's a whole conversation on my phone between the two of us back in April, and it rips my heart out to listen to it, but I wouldn't let you delete it off my phone if you paid me all the money in the world either.  I keep silently hoping that in time it will delete itself, but probably not.  It will be there.  My last earthly reminder of a girl who ripped my heart open with her honest, shameless beauty and perspective on life.  The voice of a girl who got it.  Who knew how to be infectious for Christ in a way that was simply magnetic.  You couldn't help yourself but be drawn to who she was and how she lived life.

I've gone through my photo albums and made copies of all the photos I had of her.  Most of them were from middle school.  So many silly, silly, laugh out loud pictures!  Even in her memory, she makes me laugh and smile and giggle from the inside out.  I don't have one picture of her making a normal face with my children.  She was always making life a game for them and loving them unconditionally all the while.

My five year old cried every night after her death at bedtime.  The first month she cried inconsolably. There was no comfort for her tiny heart.  The second month, the crying was not as heart-wrenching, but still...every night.  We finally made it to her grave site mid-July where more deep tears ensued for all of us, saying those final goodbyes, writing some last words on some silly paper lanterns. (I know she loved her crazy, redneck, haphazard grave site.  She totally would have decorated it that way herself=)  And after my daughter shed those last deep tears by the grave, I could feel a weight lift off her soul as she stared out the car window on the way home.  She stopped crying after that.  For the most part, I think we've all stopped crying on most days, but not all.

Somewhere in there we managed to go on our first family vacation without her.  I cried my eyes out every day packing for that vacation.  We had specifically sought out a condominium this year that had enough beds for everyone.  No packing the air mattress.  Turns out we didn't have the need anyway.  I carefully slathered my children in sunscreen from head to toe, praying they didn't burn because they had never burned when she did it every year.  It was bittersweet, but God showed up and turned it into one of the best family vacations we've had in years.  It was such sweet fellowship.  Thank you Lord.

So much has changed since she left our lives.  So much is continuing to change.  As I wrote before, life goes on.  Still there's a place in my heart, my life, my mind, my soul where a little of the sadness lingers for a friend gone.  I think that's the scar left from the wound that opened and poured fresh three months ago.  I've never cried that hard in my entire life.  My husband even said he'd never heard me cry so desperately broken before.  It scared him a little, and with the way I cry about things on a regular basis, that's saying something.  I loved her, and it was too soon.  Too soon for her to go.

So much has changed since.  So many good things.  So many pictures I wish I could text her, tweet her. I choose to believe she can see them whether that's true or not.

I wonder about her family daily.  I pray for their wounds, their scars that are left behind because Lord knows if I have one, there's is bigger. 

Her little sis came to babysit our kids the other night.  Joey and I smiled across the table at each other that date night, comforted by the fact that a Veale was spending time with our kids again.  She said she was fine when I asked her how she was doing, holding back the tears that dared to peek around the corners of her eyes.  I didn't press.  How many times has she had to try and answer that question?!?!?!?  There's no good answer.  But the long, hard hug she gave me when she left that night said more than enough, and I'm telling her now....it comforted me.  Thank you, Emma.  I wanted to comfort her, and instead she wound up comforting me instead!  He scar has to be bigger and deeper and more tender than mine, and yet she comforted me.  What a testimony to the strength and love of God that lives in the hearts of this whole family!  I am blown away.  Blown away.

And so life goes on.  I don't think anyone is capable of answering the question, 'How are you doing?' after something like this, especially the family.  'Fine,' is really the only appropriate answer.  All the things you know to be true are still true.  There's no need to rehash them, reopen the wound.  You still miss her.  You still have days you cry when you think about her.  You still wish she was around for certain events and happenings.  You still want to give her a hug and laugh with her again.  None of those things has changed, but you're fine just the same. 

God is still good, and every one's stories are still being written.  God is still sovereign, and He has used her life as an instrument to change the stories of so many for the better.  For me, her life has set me on a path to pursue joy, true joy because she knew it in Christ.  In the midst of all her suffering, there is not a doubt in my mind she knew real joy in her lifetime, and I want that.  A joy that seeps into every crevice of my being and oozes into the lives of others.  I'm determined now more than ever to find it and share it.

What does her life inspire or encourage you to do?  What imprint did she leave behind on your heart?  Because the answer to those questions is the real reason why we miss her.  Praying God helps you find the answers to those questions for your own life.  Those answers are a comfort and a hope in mine.

Exam Table Lessons: Lessons with Littles

Today I took my 5 year old to remove one stitch from a wound at the doctor.  One stitch.  She was perfectly fine until it came time to roll her onto her stomach to remove the stitch.  The one stitch.  Then what ensued was an out of body experience where it took three adults (mainly me, her mother) to man-handle her, body slam her, then pin her to the exam table, so in a fraction of a milli-second, one stitch could be removed from her precious bottom.  I've never heard my child scream like that before.  I'm pretty sure every other parentin adjacent rooms have never heard screaming like that before.  I warped through a million emotions in those two minutes of wrestling and ten seconds of pinning your own child down to a table.  Shock.  Horror.  A sense of complete loss of control. Extreme embarrassment. Hurt for my child. Compassionate understanding.  Dismay. A sense of pain of betrayal that I was the one holding her down. Relief that it was over.  Then anger--slow, seething, controlled burning anger.  Then an overwhelming deep sadness.

Why didn't she just trust me?  Why didn't she just trust the doctor that we've seen umpteen times a year since she was born?

We had talked about it for days.  I had prepped her that it would not hurt, and if it did, it would feel like a quick, short pinch.  We had discussed the expected behavior.  We had stern conversations about no screaming, no fighting, no fit pitching techniques of any kind.  The doctor had even come in and shown her exactly what was going to happen.  Let her play with the pair of tweezers on her own skin, the doctor's skin, and my skin, so she would know what it was going to feel like.

And still she refused to trust.

And you know what happened?  The doctor took the stitch out.  None of her screaming and tantrum throwing changed the outcome one iota.  What did happen is she was traumatized, I was traumatized, the nurse was stressed, the doctor was stressed, and anyone within ear shot was probably disturbed.  All because she wouldn't trust the authorities over her.

When the doctors left, I pulled her close and held her tight until the tears and breathing returned to a controlled level.  I helped her get dressed, then I got down on my knees and looked her in the eyes and told her she must never do that again.  I was stern, not angry.  I was firm, not uncaring.  She got the point.  She knew she had done wrong.  She knew I was not pleased.  It would have been cruel to spank her, but unwise to reward her for bravery she didn't show.  So we went home, and life goes on.

And oddly enough I can't quit putting myself in her shoes.  I can't get past the idea that how she behaved is no different then how I behave with God on more days than I like to admit, in more ways than I care to claim.

Don't we all refuse to trust?

When we make decisions, we seek counsel from family, friends, the internet, so that we are highly informed before going into a situation.  A new job, a move, a change of school, a marriage--really anything that requires major life change or the need for healing of some sort.  Many of us even have people that come along side us and show us what we can expect, how it will feel, what it will look like.  God is always perfect in His provision.  He knows that when it comes to the big leaps of faith in life, often times the soil needs to be prepped before planting and growth can begin.  We read our Bibles and stand firm in the knowledge of how we know we should react, and yet when it comes time to roll over and blindly trust???

I don't know about you, but typically my reaction is not much prettier than my five year old's.

I wrestle with God for control. I scream out prayers of fear and trembling, lashing out at the ones trying to help me.  I struggle to see and understand and watch what God wants and what He's trying to do in my life.  I throw a traumatic, spiritual temper tantrum.  They are fewer and farther between the older I get, but no less damaging every time.

And you know what happens?  God still allows the change to come.  He orchestrated it.  He knew it had to happen before the beginning of time.  He knew it needed to happen for my own good, my own safety, my own healing, my own betterment.  He tried to prep me, to prepare my mind and body and heart for the change to come.  He did all He could do, then He asked me to trust Him.  Trust Him.

Because when I don't, when the terrible, spiritual temper tantrum occurs, I traumatize myself, I hurt my relationship with my Lord, I stress the people around me trying to help, and I disturb others who I don't even know are watching--and others are always watching.  All because I won't trust.

Trust means to trust.  It means to rely on what you know to be true.  All that counsel you sought that God brought across your path via anything, all the people that answered every question they could, all the God moments you experienced in your Bible study in preparation for the change you know, you feel is coming--lean into that.

But more importantly, lean into your God.  If you can't bring yourself to trust any of the things God tried to put in your path in preparation, then by all means, trust Him!  Has He not proven Himself faithful in even the small things?  Food on your table?  Kind words in a moment of need?  Is He not good?  Look at the intricacies of the creation around you!  Is He not sovereign?  His will WILL be done.  Can you not trust Him?

Because if you can, then you will take a deep breath when the fear and panic starts to rise into a scream in the back of your throat.  You will close your eyes and grab the hand of your God who walks beside you every moment of every day, and you will squeeze hard, trusting that His word, His promises will be enough.  You will blindly roll over and allow the Great God of the Universe to be your strength, your guide, and your comfort in times of change or need.  You will close your eyes in prayer and maybe a few tears, and you will trust.

And you know what happens?  God still allows the change to come.  Only this time, you have grown in your relationship with the Lord because you now have experienced more fully what it means to actually trust, to actually rely on all the knowledge you have of the One True God, putting that knowledge to the test.  You are not disappointed.  You're not traumatized.  Your relationship with the Lord is actually stronger.  The ones there to help you get to rejoice with you in your peace and joy, and the ones watching that you don't even see, they are not disturbed.  You have not been the source of a negative experience for them. And maybe, instead of just going about life as normal when it's all said and done, you will actually be rewarded for your bravery and faith. God does promise to reward those whose hearts fully trust in Him.

God has been teaching me the importance of trusting Him for quite some time.  Today He gave me a very, vivid visual that will resonate in my mind every time I am challenged to trust. I will remember and know what the consequences of my choice to trust could be.

The outcome will not change, but how myself and everyone around me is effected in the process will be dramatically effected.

Will you choose to not trust, allow fear to overwhelm your every thought and action, negatively effecting everyone around you?  OR will you choose to trust, allowing peace to overwhelm your every thought and action, positively effecting everyone around you?

One thing I also learned today...this is a skill honed and sharpened and practiced and bettered over time.  I'm 33 years old, and I'm still learning this.  I don't blame my 5 year old for completely losing it on probably her first real life experience with learning to trust in a scary situation.  Our nature is not to trust, not to believe anyone knows what they're talking about except ourselves.  The lies in my head wanted me to blame myself for not developing a deeper sense of trust between mother and daughter up to this point, but then I realized I did literally everything I could for her, she had to choose to trust me, to trust the doctors.  It was her choice, and as her mom, there's really nothing I could have done that I had not already tried or done.  I feel sorry for her, just as I'm sure God has mercy on us.  But she will live another day to trust again, and maybe next time, it will get a little better.

Here's praying next time, you trust a little better too.  I know that's my goal=)

PS--By the way, my daughter said taking the stitch out only felt like a little pinch, not even close to as bad as a shot.  Sigh.  So take that for what it's worth too, and let that sink in.  Like, I'm thinking most of the time, the thing we fear the most turns out to not be quite so bad once it's over or maybe we get a little distance from it.