Learning to Sail

I don’t have a thing. I wish I had a thing. I have one friend who teaches piano, one who teaches kindergarten, another who is passionate about coaching really anything, another who is a nurse, one who sells real estate, and the list could go on and on. Everyone has a thing. Well, most people have a thing. I don’t have a thing.

I’m good at lots of things! Give me a task, I’ll pull it off efficiently, in a timely manner, and with excellence. I’m excellent at making decisions for other people, managing calendars, scheduling appointments. I’m decently artistic making me a talented imitator of art, but I’m not an idea generator. I dream, but I don’t vision cast for myself or others. I’m a rule follower, and the best Number 2 person you can have by your side. But I need a strong leader to tell me what to do, to point me in a direction, to give me a goal. I can get you from point A to point B, but I need someone else to show me what point A and B are.

This made me an excellent student. Not because I was wicked smart, but because I knew how to read teachers and perform to give them what they wanted. I read people, rooms, body language, and emotions like a book. But I went to college to be a teacher, and then I was a teacher, and I found out I didn’t like being the one in charge. There was a season I thought that’s who I was. In the absence of a strong leader, I will morph to become a strong leader, and I think other people saw that in me too. They praised and encouraged my leadership skills. So, I got a degree putting me in charge of a classroom, and I hated every second of it. I loved the students and hated the job. Leading gave me anxiety.

Who I am at my core is a loyal follower. I crave the ability to be part of something bigger than myself. I desire to be the right-hand man to the man influencing the world for greater things. I truly desire to be the support person who makes someone else look their best. That’s the role where I shine and where I feel most fulfilled.

For 15 years now, I’ve been doing this for my kids. I’ve been partners in life with my husband for 21. I’ve been the administrative-assistant-of-the-year for my family as a stay-at-home mom. And I’ve loved every minute. If from the outside you think our family is a well-oiled machine, it’s because that’s my God-given gifting. It’s not everyone’s gifting, so don’t compare.  

Now, at this stage of life with two teenagers I’ve almost worked myself out of a job. I’m in this wonky in-between season where they don’t need me as much or in the ways they use to, but they still really need me present. I could go to work as an administrative assistant in a heartbeat and probably love my job, but in my thirties, the Lord spent a decade teaching me about how He knit me together (Psalm 139:13-14). When I do things, I do them well. Learning to do things halfway or partially has actually been a growth point in my life because sometimes just wiping the counter down is ok. Disinfecting the baseboards and scrubbing every cabinet face is not always necessary. There’s room in life for grace. And that’s excellent growth, balance, and boundaries for my own kitchen, but if it was your kitchen, I want it to sparkle! I want you to love it. I want you to feel you’ve been blessed and served above and beyond after I clean your kitchen (Matthew 5:14, Colossians 3:23).

The Lord knows and has taught me if I go to work all day and serve others above and beyond, my family will get the leftovers of me, not the best of me. My desire is to finish this season of parenting strong and give my kids the best of me while they still live in my home. I know not every mother has this privilege, choice, or desire.  That’s ok. But I do, and I’m only responsible for this one life God has given me, and the story He wants me to live to tell.

So, I stay home, but remember?  I’ve just about worked myself out of a job. The house is clean because the kids pick up after themselves. There’re no playdates to plan because they now have their own friends and plan their own fun. There’s not as many trips to plan because our weekends are spent attending games for sports and serving at church. I just made a major move across the country, so my people aren’t accessible to hang. I’m in this weird, awkward space of waking up every day not knowing what I will accomplish of value while my kids are at school and my husband at work. I find myself completely dependent on the Lord to tell me what to do, to fill my mind, to fill my time, to fill my heart. I’m pleading with Him constantly to make my days significant.

And in typing that very last sentence, I realize…this is exactly where He wants me to be.

He’s teaching me how to be completely dependent on Him (Proverbs 3:5-6). He’s showing me how loudly He can speak in the silence. He’s showing me how physically present He can be in my solitude. He’s showing me how to talk unceasingly to Him because He’s the only One available all day long to listen (1 Thessalonians 5:17). My devotion this morning reminded me being with God is more important than doing for Him. That’s a powerful, counter-cultural idea. Our world is driven by achievement. American capitalism is defined by work and making things happen for yourself. As a human race, we have a deep-seated need to be known, seen, and loved, and the best way we’ve come up with how to make it happen for ourselves is to accomplish, to contribute, to do…things.

And yet, God just wants to be with us. He sent His only Son to be with us, to be one of us. He set out to save us from being without Him because our sin eternally separates us from a holy God. I think what God wants, what He knows is best for us, what He knows we really need, is for us to be with Him. To exist with Him. To breathe breath that is Him. To think thoughts that are His kind of thoughts. (Matthew 1:22-23, Isaiah 59:2, Romans 3:23, 6:23, Acts 17:28, Job 33:4, Philippians 4:8)

Yes, I believe He knows doing is good for us. He was the first to gift the purpose of work in the Garden of Eden when He gave Adam the job of naming all the animals. Work was originally a gift from God, and my guess is it was originally accomplished with God. I imagine Adam and God walking together through the garden, stopping when they found a new creature to discourse on ideas for a name. Maybe they laughed together at funny sounding words. Maybe they marveled together over a specific, created trait. Maybe God taught Adam a fact about the animal He created, then based on that new information, Adam named the animal. I don’t know! But I don’t think Adam acted (worked) to be known, seen, and loved by God. He was already all of those things.

So maybe that’s what this quiet season of space is for me too. Maybe the noise of the world has to be stopped. Maybe the addiction to doing has to be broken.

Our pastor talked on Sunday about the difference between row-boating and sailing. My giftings make me an excellent row boater. Remember what I said about getting from point A to point B? I’m not in a season where anyone is giving me a point A and a point B. I’m in a season where God is asking me to raise the sails of my faith and trust Him to fill the space provided with the wind of His Spirit. Quite frankly, these row-boating arms are antsy to get back to work, but my row-boating body is SO. TIRED. All the time.

So, I’m learning to raise my sails in silence, worship, meditation, solitude, revelry, wonder, gratitude, and waiting. Wait for the breath of the Almighty to give me life (Job 33:4). Wait for Him to fill me up to move with Him. To move because of Him (Acts 17:28). And because I trust Him, I will wait expectantly with hope. I will smile as the sun rises and sets knowing I am completely known, seen, and loved by a God who knows, sees, and loves me exactly where I am, and when He wants me to move, He will send the wind (John 3:8).

I still wish I had a thing. I guess the one thing I’m passionate about all the time is Jesus. I really do want Jesus to be everyone’s thing. So, if Jesus is my thing, I guess being with Him as much as I am currently is actually exactly the thing I want. Funny how God gives us the desires of our heart, but we don’t realize it because we often don’t even know the own desires of our own hearts.

This stay-at-home mom is raising her white sails of surrender to sit and wait for God to fill and move her where her Thing will take her next. I’m learning how to give up the oars to my rowboat and take a seat on the sailboat.

You know, it’s peaceful sitting in the sun on a sailboat.