Where I Am

I had a sneaky suspicion when the first day of 2018 was the most perfect day ever that the rest of the year was downhill from there, but we always hope for the best, right?

Sigh.  Well, I've found myself in the middle of one of the hardest years of personal growth in my life. Like ever. I'm learning things about myself that I don't like. Ugly things. Hard things. Things like...

I'm not strong, I'm just really good at trying to control my environment.

This causes me to be anxious, not what I've labeled as stress my whole life. (FYI, stress is something to be managed outwardly, anxiety is a sin of the heart.)

I don't know how to deal with disappointment. I'm deeply afraid of disappointing everyone in my life, and then unable to handle the emotions that come crashing when they disappoint me.

This causes deep bouts of depression because when you're constantly aware of the inner workings of life around you (both my gift and my curse), you are constantly disappointed in something or someone, and most often that is myself.

I don't know how to communicate effectively with the people in my life. I express myself with so much emotion and deep conviction that I'm pretty sure it's off-putting for most people to receive. Learning to bridle and train these emotions to speak graciously is hard work, so I most often opt to not speak at all for fear of burdening those around me with my emotions. (The people in my life who love me best, allow me to cry and still hear my heart. For them, I am deeply grateful.) But opting to not speak has also left me feeling unheard most of my life.

It's deeply concerning how much I deeply desire to be heard, truly seen, and known and accepted just the way I am. 

Enter Jesus.

It's no coincidence that my time with the Lord this year has led me to these books. This is where the Lord has me rooted and growing, learning to accept who He made me to be and how to allow Him to use it for His glory.

Currently, I'm reading through the Psalms for like the hundredth time in my life because a depressed person needs the psalms. David was the ultimate example of how to honestly express all that you are feeling and still glorify God.

Streams in the Desert is a perfectly titled devotion that has encouraged and challenged me throughout the low points in my life. God meets me in these pages and gently reminds me life will be hard, but He is greater and He is good.

Strong Women Soft Hearts. Wow. If you've got a group of ladies that you can be real and honest with, a small group that loves you unconditionally, grab them and dive in to this book. I am challenged and encouraged by the way God is using this book to grow me, but I need the accountability of the friends I'm doing it with, or I would have tossed it a long time ago! 

How We Love workbook. I read the book, which is excellent, very insightful, but the hard work has come in inviting my husband to work through the workbook together. Our marriage has never been better, closer, or more intimate. It's taken seventeen years of married life to get us to the point where we can stomach this book together, maturely, but I'm loving diving into every hard truth revealed, with him right there with me. It might take us 10 years to work through the whole book with as often as we have time to discuss it, but it kinda makes me look forward to every conversation for the next 10 years!

When God Doesn't Fix It is the book I read in small chunks at night, on an airplane, or in moments when a screen just doesn't seem like the best choice. The very practical, straightforward debunking of myths and statement of truth at the end of every chapter has given me food for thought in all the best ways.

I've been on a personal journey to find and understand the true meaning of joy for quite some time. What I didn't bargain for was that Sorrow and Suffering would be my companions on this journey. Seems a bit ironic doesn't it? That in my quest for Joy, these are what I have encountered.

Yet, my Jesus has been with me every step of the way. Not once have I felt abandoned or condemned by Him. I condemn myself enough as it is, and even on the days when I fully expect Him to condemn, chastise, or discipline me because I've screwed up royally, instead I am constantly surprised by His constant, gentle presence that reminds me He made me and He sees me and He knows me and He loves me just the way I am.  Sinful, messed up, confused, not enough, struggling--He loves this me, right now, right here in the midst of the mess of where I am.

My Jesus is not a demanding Master, He is a patient Encourager reminding me that I may be weak, but He is Strength. I may be anxious, but He is Peace. I may be disappointed, but He is Able. I may be overwhelmed by my short-comings, but He is Greater. He is the Answer to every problem I encounter. Joy is found in not just finding Him again and reconnecting with Him, but it is found in the slow, hard work of abiding with Him through it all.

For the last six months, I've been paralyzed to share my heart because I've felt like I've been in the middle of the struggle. The story will be shareable when I have a happy ending to proclaim God's inevitable victory and glory in my life. God is gently telling me to share my story anyway because His glory is evident and real even though I don't have a happy ending yet. 

I may struggle with anxiety and depression the rest of this life. Jesus is teaching me to accept this, so He can use it. You cannot surrender what you do not accept. Maybe one day I will write the story of how He saved me and freed me from the dark emotions that overwhelm me some days, but for now, I think He just wants me to be honest with who I am now, in this season, for today--struggling, but still in love with Him. 

I had a sad day yesterday, for no particular reason (which I hate, by the way. I've lived my life believing there's a reason for everything, and now I'm learning that may not be true?--whatever I digress, another blog for another day...) I had a sad day. And in the midst of all the dark, deep, overwhelming emotions that beckoned me to crawl in bed and hide, I suddenly--literally--threw up my hands in angry surrender, and spoke out loud, "Lord, if I have to feel all these emotions will You at least use them for Your glory?" And to that, He said, "Yes."

And today, I write for the first time in a long time because even though I have no idea who reads this blog (because that doesn't really matter anyway), this is just one space where He gets the glory, and that feels right and good and chips away at the pointlessness of life that a depressed person often feels deep in their soul. My life isn't pointless if He gets the glory. I have to believe that. It has to be true.

Where are you? Really? You may believe no one really wants to know the real answer to that question, but I do. God does. Who can you share the real you with today? the vulnerable you? the you God created for today? Someone needs you to stop hiding and waiting for the happy ending to share because I'm starting to believe God gets the glory in the middle of the mess too.