Who Are You? What Do You Do? How Do You Get Paid?

I am a child of God. A child needs time with their Daddy. Just to be in His presence, sit by His side, talk life, dream, wonder, question, seek counsel. I need to sit in His lap and just rock in His rocking chair and listen to Him sing over me. I get paid in unconditional love.

I am a prayer warrior. A prayer warrior needs silent space to fill with weeping and pleading, praising and thanking, confession and soul-searching. It is my only safe outlet for my gift of discernment. I need time to intercede, standing in the gap on behalf of others and myself. I need space to bend knees and bow my head in deep talks with my heavenly Father. I need time and silence in order to hear Him speak back. I get paid in true communion and intimacy.

I am a wife. A wife needs time to connect with her husband....in so.many.different.ways. I need time to pour into my best friend, and he into me. I need time to serve him and be his helpmate in all the different forms that takes. I need time to be loved and to love him like Christ. I get paid in devotion and faithfulness.

I am a Mama. A mom needs time to invest, enjoy, and be intentional with her kids. I need to bottle time and treasure moments. I need time to study and pray, discipline and train, smile, laugh, and have fun. These golden years of littles are fleeting. For now, I get paid in occasional unprompted "I love you"s, but mostly I just make deposits into accounts I hope produce exponentially grown returns in years to come. Only time will tell.

I am a Barnabas, a friend. A Barnabas needs time to invest in others. Whether through texts, phone calls, emails, lunches, play dates, or dinners, I need time to encourage others and be encouraged by others, to build community and relationships with people different and similar to myself. I get paid in encouragement and camaraderie.

I am a Paul, a mentor. Outside of my children, a Paul needs time to give back and invest in others younger in life or in their faith or both. I need time to feed off their energy and new cultural knowledge, and maybe they can learn from my mistakes. But I know I need time to influence. I get paid in purpose and fulfillment.

I want to be a Timothy, a mentee. I want time in my days to listen and question and be encouraged by my own Paul, by women older and wiser and more experienced, and maybe I'll find time to avoid some heartaches by avoiding their mistakes, and find more to life by valuing things they find valuable. I think my payment would be wisdom.

I am an emotional thinker. A borderline empath. I need large amounts of space and time to capture, evaluate, and submit my feelings and thoughts unto the Lord. This requires outlets in which to funnel this energy. Therefore...

I am a writer. A writer needs words and a blank canvas. I need time to vent, fume, spill, scream, cry, pray, rejoice, contemplate, meditate, digest over life. I implode if I don't take this time. I get paid in peace and clarity of heart, mind, and soul.

I am an athlete. An athlete needs time to train, sweat, stretch, sprint, push limits, rest, and recover. I need this healthy outlet for my aggression, irritations, and frustrations. I need those emotions to be forced out in sweat and jaws locked in determination. I need something difficult to press into, to build that perseverance muscle. I get paid in strength of body and mind.

I am a lover of nature. A nature lover needs time on long stretches of sandy beaches with only the sound of the waves to keep me company. I need long hikes on unknown trails going unknown places just so I can listen to the rustle of the wind and study the rise and fall of mountain ridges. I need to be on the water, in the water. I need to be near creatures great and small, watching them in wonder and curiosity. I need time to commune with my Creator through His creation. I get paid in serenity and joy.

I am an artist. An artist creates--anything and everything. I need time to make photo albums, decorate my home, make a card, color a picture, build with Legos, craft with my kids, paint, cut, glue, arrange. I get paid in beauty and accomplishment.

I am a student. A student needs time to study, time to explore, space to ask questions and learn new things. I was once a student who made straight A's, now I'm a student of life, and it's hard to tell most days what kind of grades I'm making, but the love of learning never fades. I get paid in knowledge and understanding.

.......

And why, you may ask, do I feel the need to define these things? Because we live in a world, in a culture, that defines us by what we do and the benefit (or payment) we receive for ourselves or contribute to the world from what we do. And as a stay-at-home mom, especially now that both my kids are in school full time, there are days I wonder if I could do more, be more--should do more, should be more.

I struggle to define to others how I spend my time and why it's not a waste of time. I struggle because I know incredible working moms who are all these things AND they work a full-time job. But as I reread over this list, I realize that this is who God made me to be. This is MY capacity, MY passions, MY callings for this season of life, and yes, I am all these things every day. Not some days. Not one day a week or a few days a week. I am all these things every day in some form, in some capacity.

*And you know what, when I type it out, when I define it and call a spade a spade, this is a lot of work! And it's good work. Solid work. Fulfilling and meaningful work. Not useless. Not unimportant. Not forgettable. 

And my wages are pretty, freaking amazing also! I may not get paid a single, physical penny, but I am getting paid in full in ways some people spend their whole lives longing for. Unconditional love, communion, intimacy, devotion, faithfulness, encouragement, camaraderie, purpose, fulfillment, wisdom, peace, clarity, strength, serenity, joy, beauty, accomplishment, knowledge, and understanding--I want for nothing in the wages department. 

I needed to write it out though. I needed to see it to understand it, to believe it, to feel it. To fight the voices that always tell me I'm not enough.

Maybe you do too. Who are you? What do you do? How much do you get paid?

*This list is also written in the order of priority for me. Are they always lived out in this order of priority? Absolutely NOT! Most days not. But a balanced, healthy me would live these out in this order, so it does give me something to aim for. If this list had remained an ethereal thought or moral goal (like it has been for so long), I think that's exactly what my life would have resulted in--good intentions with no true action. 

Writing it out like this helps me see where I need improvements. In life you are always choosing to cheat someone or something for someone or something else. When one job moves up the list in priority, another job is getting knocked back down the list; therefore, if life feels like it's lacking joy, maybe I need to bump time in the outdoors back up the list a little ways.

What are your daily priorities? Are you intentionally living to make the most of the days you've been given?

*This list also tells me about me. I often wonder why I wrestle with loneliness and longing for more interactions with people in my life, but the truth in this list is if I'm spending the majority of my time loving the Lord by investing in things I'm passionate about, there's not much time left for more people. Many of the things I love and enjoy require nothing more than space, time, silence, and my heavenly Father. And that's me, and that's ok.

I also often wonder why I wrestle with a need and a desire to be seen, to be known, to be thanked and appreciated, yet this list reveals that what I love to do, how I truly want to spend my time are in areas that do not require acknowledgement. The things I love are very solitary in many ways. To try to orchestrate ways of being thanked would be manipulative and weird. God sees me. He's the one I'm spending most of my time and days with, and He chooses to do more for me than just a pat on the back, He pays me in full. Every day.

I have to believe that the work the Lord calls me to do through prayer and communing with Him alone is equally as important as all of my dear friends whose days are filled with laughter and conversations and service in direct contact with others.

I have bought the lie for too long that my prayers and journaling are useless.

This is who I am for this season, for today. The Lord is forever at work molding, reworking, breathing new life, revealing new dreams, adding to this list of who He created me to be. I'm still discovering who I am in Christ, but seeing this in black and white has helped me accept and embrace who I am in a different way. Blogging about it helps me put feet to the idea that it doesn't matter what others think of me, only what God thinks of me.

And it's been a while since I've written anything or at least put it out there to the masses. I've been praying the Lord helps me find my voice again, and this helps. Maybe it's an exercise that would help you too.

Who are you? What do you do? How do you get paid?