Moving On

A little over two weeks later, she's been gone now from this world.  Life keeps moving on.  The world keeps turning.  Bills keep coming in.  My children still need babysitters, so we call new ones. We still need to eat, sleep, exercise--follow God.

Life keeps moving on.

And yet, when you least expect it, the sadness will creep into the crevices of the healing wound and make it sting just a bit.  I've rocked my daughter to sleep every night since Miss Savannah's funeral.  Every night her tired, worn out little mind cries for the friend she lost in that girl.  And I rock her gently, reminding her she's in a better place, reminding her that one day, if Jesus lives in our hearts that we will see her again.  Every night.  Then she will sigh and sniffle and close her tired eyes only to wake to another full day tomorrow.

Life keeps moving on.

And then I make time to meet with the girl's precious mother, and the healing wound cracks a bit deeper, only oozing not bleeding.  And we share stories and cry shared tears of remembrance and we try to offer each other comfort in our knowing of her.  We offer encouragement in the days to come.  We comfort each other and hug the hurt away for another day and leave lunch feeling lighter and less burdened and slightly more healed than before.

And life keeps moving on.

And that's the truth.  The world will not stop for one girl, one boy, one man, one woman here on earth. That's not as God intended.  Life will continue to move, and for the sake of our fleshly minds, we must find a way to move with it, or we WILL go crazy.  So how do we do that?

I talk to myself often, and I found myself thinking about why it's so hard.  Why, when we know beyond a shadow of doubt where she is, why is it so hard to let her go?  Why is it so difficult when we know she is no longer in pain?  Why do we insist on reopening the wound and feeling the pain?

For me, it's because I feel a deep sense of loyalty to the people I love.  I feel like it's wrong for me to live life as if they never existed, to keep doing the things you always did before.  Shouldn't their presence here on earth have meant something?  Shouldn't it have made a mark, left a tangible hole in the universe?  She was that important!

And we battle this fleshly desire to hold onto something that was never physical to begin with.

Did you here me?  She was never physical to begin with.  Anyone who sees the shell laying in the coffin knows this.  That is not her.  She is not there.  So if she's not there now, then what we saw on the outside, the physical person we could touch, was never really her to begin with!  It's never really any of us!

And contemplating the whys in my car one day, this is the conversation that ensued:
HOLY SPIRIT: Do you really think she's sitting around up here mourning the fact that you are all so sad she's gone?
ME: No, Lord.  Your word says there is no sadness or tears in heaven, so maybe she just doesn't think of us at all.  But no, I don't think that's true either.  I think she remembers us, maybe even prays for us, but she's whole in every sense now, and while she's not You Lord, she's seeing life from Your perspective finally.  She has no need to be sad when she knows and is feeling the truth that You will make all things right in Your time.  She no longer battles this physical flesh that weighs us down here on earth that fights with the spirit inside of us as your children.  She lives life there in complete trust, in full joy, in a true, unencumbered faith.
HOLY SPIRIT: Exactly.  So if she's moved on and is not mourning you, why won't you do the same?  Because it honestly isn't effecting her one bit at this point.

And because I'm a very blunt person, sometimes God is just that blunt with me.  I have no excuses other than my battle is with this selfish flesh.  My sadness is a normal reaction in this world because my spirit lives in a sinful body.  It's not wrong unless I indulge it.  It's not sin unless I allow the devil to leverage it in my life to justify actions that are unwise.  It's not harmful unless I dwell on it.  It just is what it is because my flesh is my flesh.

And when I come to grips with this truth, my eyes clear, my heart lightens, my step quickens, and I can breath joy again.  My God loves me just the same.  He gives grace to the weak in any definition of the word.  He knows what it means to be human.  To be bound by a flesh and emotions that fight His Spirit inside.  He knows.  He understands, and the best part is, He conquered it!  So in Him, through Him, He will conquer it for you too.

So lean on Him.  Turn to Him.  Look to His words.  Look expectantly for His presence in all things.  He is there.

He is moving life on.

And if He's the one doing the moving, I guess I can be ok with that.  I will rest in Him, and He will carry me on the days I'm really weak, when the old wound throbs deep and painful, and when it's not so painful, I get to walk with Him, talk with Him, and do life with Him because He makes my world turn, and anything but Him is just a shell of what could be, an illusion of what actually is.

Be encouraged!  There is more to life than THIS life!   And it's ok to move on and find out what God has in store for you.  Savannah Veale is smiling in heaven right now, reaping all the benefits of the treasure in heaven she stored while on earth.  I want to do the same.  I want to keep storing up treasure in heaven because the physical, worldly, fleshly things are an illusion of the devil, and moths and rust will destroy them all in time, but one day, I will dance in heaven with my sweet girl for all eternity, so I want to make sure what's waiting there for me is well-stocked=)

Today We See Jesus

Today we say goodbye.

It's weird.  I feel like I said goodbye on Tuesday, holding her hand in that hospital bed.  When I kissed her forehead, that was suppose to be it.  I know I need today, but I've been dreading today.

My daughter has asked to see her one more time.  I wish she could have held her hand warm in the hospital and said goodbye there.  But there's something about laying eyes on the fleshly shell that tells the mind, 'She's really gone.  Look she is not there.  That's not her.  It never was.'

No.  The essence of who we are is the light inside, the spirit God fashioned in our mother's womb.  I don't know how anyone can face death and not see it otherwise.  The light and life and joy and being of a person is the spirit inside them that shines in the eyes, is tangible in their touch, and resonates in the ear at the sound of their unique voice and tone.  The Spirit is what makes us alive.  And for those who have accepted the Spirit of the Holy God into their lives, it's Jesus who really makes us shine.

Burying people dates back to the days of Abraham in the Bible when Abraham lovingly bought the first piece of the land God promised to him and his descendants to bury is beloved Sarah.  He buried her in a cave in the side of a mountain, and laid her to rest.  God records many a burial in the Bible, so it must be important.  He must know that it gives us the closure to move on.

So as much as yesterday felt like the calm before the storm for me, as much as crawling out of bed this morning felt like a weight around my body and mind, I know today is needed.

It is good to mourn AND celebrate with the body of Christ.  Other believers.  Other people who loved her.  It's kinda like the red blood cells of the body of Christ all merging together to cover the wound, clot together, stop the bleeding, and heal the wound.  Of course this started days ago with text messages, Facebook pictures and condolences, hugs, prayers, and shared tears.  Today's services are kinda like taking the band-aid off, letting the wound breath and begin to harden, so healing can continue underneath the scab, and movement--albeit however stiff--can continue without pain.

And that's what will happen today.  We will all get to breath not just the air of shared sorrow, but more importantly the air of shared joy.  Savannah's joy.  We will celebrate her life together.  Her sweet, joy-filled days here on earth.  And we will sing with tears in our eyes knowing that she is no longer in pain.  No more sore joints.  No more burning, itching skin.  No more blindness.  No more struggles to breath. No more warts to remove.  No more watching what she can and can't eat.  No more loss of hair.  No more stress.  No more suffering--at all.

And when the fresh air of that realization washes over us, the body of Christ, we will feel the weight lift, the wound uncovered.  We will feel a peace as we come together firm to support each other.  Underneath in each of our hearts, the wound will still be tender, but healing will continue in time.  But for today, as one unit breathing fresh air of a new life in God's Home, realizing that in Christ this is NOT the last time we will see her, praising our God for being good and claiming the truth that He will do right by His people.  Together, we will begin to move forward from this day.

And because we clot together, when we move forward it will be with less pain.  A little stiff maybe.  A little tender underneath, but not as painful as the hole ripped open less than a week ago.  No.  After today, Jesus will bind us all together in one hope, one joy, and one peace.  Unity in Christ will guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus, and we will have each other to remind each other that He holds us close that He is our Strength, our Help, our Refuge.

And when we lay her in the ground, we will let her go.  Ceremonies are necessary to help us remember, to help us move on.  How many piles of stones marked significant blessings and words from God in the old testament?  How many ceremonies were meticulously described in the books of Moses to help people remember and continue their lives in covenant and celebration?

Today will be a good day.  As much as we may dread all the emotion we are about to experience one more time, today will be a good day.  We will see Jesus in her life.  We will see Jesus in each other.  We will see Jesus in the music.  We will see Jesus in her remembrance.  We will see Jesus in the unity of our love for one another.

Today will be a good day people!  Look around and don't miss it!  Camp out and stay and watch!  Today WE WILL SEE JESUS!  If you're looking, even through bleary eyes and weary souls, you will see Him.

And today will be a good day.

For Those Who Grieve

It's day two.  She's been gone for two days.  The pictures have stopped being posted online.  The condolences have stopped coming in.  The phone and computer are silent.  The world is still turning.  People are posting pictures about end of school activities, graduations, fun times with the family, and she's only been gone two days.

My world stopped.  Why didn't everyone else's?

And my sister-in-law reminded me, it's my pain that I feel.  It's not everyone else's pain.  Everyone else's life keeps going.   The world keeps spinning.  And that irritates me.  It rubs me raw like sandpaper.  It makes me want to get mad at people for no good reason.

And I think what's frustrating me the most at this point is my world keeps turning too.  The laundry keeps piling up, the dishes keep filling the sink, the kids still have parties at school to attend, end of year performances to perform.  My world keeps turning too, and it beckons me to move forward with it.

But it feels so wrong to move forward without her in it.

It hurts to try and line up another sitter for the wedding we have to attend in two weekends.  The air in my throat tightens every time I think about the fact that there will be no more random text messages, tweets, or stop-in visits.  She'll never come knocking on my door again and make my children squeal with delight.  We will never throw our arms around each other again in this life.

And the pain singes deep and lingers.  I hurt because she's gone, and there are moments when I can move on with life and clean my house and make my plans like she never existed.  And then I hurt because something--a song, a smell, a memory--will remind me she did.  She's only been gone two days!  And the tears surge and pour again, just when I thought I had run dry.  And it hurts.  It hurts that I can even think about moving on, but it hurts to not try as well.

And then I get mad because she wouldn't want me to be acting this way.  She would want me to keep moving on, to keep moving forward, to live life.  Because she loved to live life! And she'd be mad I was trying to stop it on account of her.  And that anger hurts.

And then, then I feel ashamed.  Because she's not my child, not literally.  And my heart reaches out to her family, and I want to wrap them in bubble wrap and protect them from all these emotions because if mine are overwhelming theirs have got to be five times as penetrating.

And then, the peace of God will flood my being, and He will remind me of His command to me, to pour out my heart to Him.  To let Him be my refuge.  And so despite the hesitancy to put word to paper, despite the fact that it seems more prudent to stay inside my head, I can't.  If I do, I'll sink.

Faith in God keeps us from sinking like Peter walking on the water.  Keep your eyes on Him.  Take every thought captive.  Never take the spiritual eyes of your heart off of Christ.  He will keep you on top of the water.  Looking at the waves of emotion instead of Him will only cause you to sink.

The truth is God IS my refuge.  The truth is God is good.  The truth is God is just.  The truth is God does right by His people.  The truth is the starting point for my emotions.  The truth is from where my emotions should stem, not the other way around.  But to think this way is not normal.  Normal is for your emotions to mold what you believe to be true, but that's not God's way.  He says I AM the truth and the life.  So if I start there, and believe that, and sink my anchor on Him, my emotions cannot carry me away.  They cannot sink me into the darkness.  That's an unchangeable fact.

So, life moves on.  I have to move on.  And to move forward, I have to let go.  I feel guilty and wrong for letting go.  My emotions tell me I am letting her down.  I feel deep sadness every time I realize an hour has gone by, and I didn't mourn her passing.  I can never forget her, but I've been down this road of loss before.  You never forget, but their presence in your life begins to fade, and time soothes the wound, and healing begins.

It's just at this point, two days later, I'm not ready to feel the healing.  Isn't that silly?  I want to stop time, stop my world, sit and do nothing but think about her because if I think about her and dwell on her, then she's still here.  The pain makes her life seem real.  The tears seem to keep her alive.  I feel like if I begin to heal, then I'm dishonoring her, I'm dishonoring her family, I'm not holding her memory in esteem.  Because when I stop feeling the hurt, then she's really gone.  So it's almost like you make yourself hurt.  You make yourself dwell on thoughts that continually reopen the wound to keep it fresh.

But that's not good. That's how scars happen.

You see, the wound has already been treated with the healing ointment of God's presence and truth.  It has been covered with the powerful protection of prayer.  It may only be two days later, but it's already beginning to heal, and that's not a bad thing.  That's a good thing.  That's God's design.  We need to allow the healing and stop picking at the scab.

And today every emotion just makes me want to pick the scab, so I'm pouring out my heart to my God, the One True God, the God who made heaven and earth, who knit me in my mother's womb, who ordained my days here on earth before I was ever born, who did the same for my sweet girl I miss so much.  That is truth.  And in Truth I can find my strength.  I will see her again.

Life moves on, and I guess--after sitting to write all this--I am overwhelmed by my Heavenly Father telling me, "That's ok.  Healing is a good thing. Let Me heal your heart.  Stop picking at the scab."

So I will rejoice, for He has made me glad. Even just two days later, He is making me glad.  I think that would make her glad too.

Savannah Joy Veale

Yesterday she died, and we wept and mourned and cried and sorrow wracked our souls.

Today, I'm simply numb and the selfish sadness of this life echos inside the hole in my heart.  The onslaught of pictures of her online break my heart.  I'd give anything to see that smile again here on earth.  To watch her sweep my children into her arms one last time.  To tangibly feel the joy she brought them and the joy they brought her.  That moment when she came to our door and my kids realized it was her--that's the moment I keep reliving in my mind.

In a world desperately searching for joy, that moment was joy.  Real joy.

And now she's gone.  And my heart is desperately searching for joy again.

Some out there might think I'm a bit over the top.  But she wasn't just "one of the girls in my small group" so many years ago for 6th, 7th, and 8th.  From the moment I laid eyes on her in 6th grade, I felt connected to her.  I loved everything about her instantly--even then.  Even in all the early years of snotty, sarcastic middle schoolness, even when she tried to give me the cold shoulder, I loved her until she let me in, and then I could never let her go.

Her freshman year, when I met with her every week while she was suffering and home bound, we did what I thought was a useless Bible study on joy.  I watched her suffer week by week for a full year.  I listened to her stumble through the study questions, so many of which I really couldn't give her an answer.  For a year we searched for joy together, and I never thought we really found it.  In my mind, it had alluded us in the midst of all her misery.

Come to find out, five years later, in that year of suffering, she found joy.  She found it in our friendship, I think.  She found it despite her pain and itching and misery.  She found it in Jesus alone.  And so she told me, it's not just her middle name tattooed on her right hip, it's the Joy she found that year we met together.  That year when she ingrained herself on my heart, and I knew I'd never let her go.

So I let her in my life.  She started babysitting for me every week.  We paid her more than I should have because I loved her deeply, so I guess she kept coming back=)  She started helping me raise my children.  Over the next five years, she helped me set boundaries for them and make life fun.  They loved her deeply.  Over those years, our friendship grew as she grew into a beautiful, confident young woman.

She would come to our house and tell story after story of what God was doing in her life, all the adventures she was experiencing, all the hurts from friendships and relationships.  And I would listen and laugh and love and cry with her, and we let each other into each other's hearts.  Not much was ever said, but she understood me, and I understood her, and we just simply wouldn't let each other go.

When she left for college, we all cried the last day she babysat for us before heading off.  She made sure the "Miss Savannah" bag at our house was always full of candy, so my kids would never forget she was the best babysitter ever=)  Then she would text me before the weekends she came home, and we'd always work her into our date night schedule, mostly just so we could see her, hug her neck, and listen to her stories.  She took light and laughter and joy with her everywhere she went.

It wasn't long before I realized she was coming over even when we weren't paying her=)  She stop by when she was in town just to chat and catch up.  She'd stay for a dinner, watch a football game, come to a party, or just stop in to say hi to the kids.  She had helped me enjoy three family vacations by coming with us, and she was simply part of our family.  Bottom line, she was part of our family.

She was a sister, a friend, a child in the Lord of mine.  And I had plans to never let her go.  I had envisioned my children as flower girl and ring bearer at her wedding one day.  I had plans to never let her not come on family vacation with us.  I was going to pay her to spend time with my children for a full day, every day this summer mostly because I know they love spending time with her more than me=)  I was never going to let her go.

And yesterday, I had to say our earthly goodbyes.  I had to let her go.  I'm still letting her go.  Today I can't let go.

So for those who don't understand my tears, my hurt, who think I'm the crazy girl who's over the top about a girl who wasn't even part of my family.  Let me tell you, she was.  She was a part of our family as much as any older adopted child is a part of their foster families.  She was loved, and she will be missed.  And there is a hole where she once was in my life. A hole that only Jesus can fill.

Sunday night, He gave me this verse:  Psalm 62:8 "Trust the Lord in all things, Jennifer.  Pour out your heart to Him, and He will be your refuge."  And so that's what I'm doing.  I'm pouring out my heart every chance I get because I will not fall into the trap of my mind.  I won't slip into the darkness that beckons in the bottom of that hole.  I will do as my God has commanded and pour out my heart every chance I get!!!  Only Jesus can fill that hole.  Only Jesus.

I penned this in my journal to my children yesterday, and I think it has helped comfort me the most, "I'm dreading going home and telling the two of you (Weston and Savannah).  I have no idea how you will react, but at the same time I know that with you two is where I need to be.  Life goes on, children.  Miss Savannah's time on earth is done.  Ours is not.  Mine is not.  God still thinks there's more left for me to learn--not to do though.  No--I think Miss Savannah had a whole life left of greatness ahead of her--things she could have accomplished for the Lord.  I think maybe, she didn't have a whole lot left to learn.  She had truly learned the secret of having joy and giving thanks in all circumstances, of becoming all things to all people just to lead some to the Lord.  She knew Jesus.  She got it.  She figured it out.  She was in the perfect place in her life to go Home and love Him--her Bridegroom.  So that's where she went.  She went Home."

Jack the Giant Killer

I digress from my normal blogging shpeals to bring you this...YAY for  Jack the Giant Killer!!!!

As the mother of both a daughter and a son, I have the pleasure of being exposed to MANY types of movies.  An abundance of them are your princess stories where the girl is the protagonist, and the guy plays a supporting role at best.  These are the classics.  Great stories, but no real strong male characters.

And then I get to thinking about television shows and other PG-13+ movies that come out this day in age, and I'm overwhelmed by the sense that the girl has to save the guy.  And then I take a look at the men in our "family" oriented sitcoms and wonder why any woman would want to save these sniveling, self-absorbed, incompetent, incapable baboons that the media makes them out to be.

And then, if you happen to find a halfway noble male character to follow, the writers like to blur the lines between good and evil so much that you can't always tell if you're really rooting for the good guy or not.  Or is your good guy really a bad one?  Who knows these days.

Don't get me wrong.  I'm all for a strong female lead, and I'm glad that movies progressed from Snow White to Tangled (although I could do with a little less rebellion in my animated characters).  I just wish there were more movies with male leads who were true heroes.  You know what kind of movie I'd like to see?  Sleeping Beauty remade from Prince Phillip's point of view.  

Every girl wants to be a princess, but every boy should want to be a prince as well.  

I know.  Boys have the market on super heroes, and Jedi knights, and soldiers.  It's just not cool to be a prince.   Fairy tales are for sissies.  Unless you're Jack.

Jack the Giant Killer was like stepping back in time to when I was a little girl and fairy tales played out exactly as they should--lots of heroics and a perfectly happy ending.  

The princess is strong-willed, but respectful and loving to her father even if she does defy him secretly by leaving the castle.  At least she stated her case knowledgeably and was well-spoken and level headed in the process.  She never lost her cool or her grace throughout the movie.  

And Jack?  Ah Jack. He fell for the girl, and he would defend her honor and protect her at any cost to himself.  He even humbly accepted his station in life without rebellion or a fight.  He didn't press for his way or sneak around with the princess behind her father's back.  He was too noble for that.  He had dignity and honor for the king and his daughter.  No, but he would protect her with his life, regardless, of those circumstances, and his perseverance to do the right thing eventually won him the prize he truly wanted, and he didn't have to deceive or defy or demean his own character in the process.  Imagine that?

All the while, the soldiers fought bravely.  They finished the tasks they started, even to death.  The commander of the army has the bravery of legends.  Real bravery.  In-your-face, no-holds-bar, do-it-or-die-trying bravery.  The stuff that real men are made of.

It's been a very long time since I've enjoyed heroes in a film with actual character--noble character.  Think about it.  Soldiers in movies often have to make the tough calls of "do I follow orders and kill this person or defy orders and do the right thing".  That may be real life, but it sends a mixed message to our youth watching.  Heroes often sacrifice their nobility to appear to the be the bad guy for the greater good of the people. ie. Batman, Spiderman  Again, a mixed message to our youth.  Or super heroes have some ridiculous character flaw like Hulk and his uncontrollable anger, Iron Man and his arrogance.

I'm a huge fan of Optimus Prime, but he's a robot from another planet (strange how his noble ideals seem foreign and old fashioned in this day in age).  Sam?  Not someone I want my little man to grow up to be. 

But Jack?  I'd love it if he became a Jack.  Maybe a bit wayward at times, lost in the beginning, but with a heart of gold, the determination of a mule.  Honorable, humble, smart, quick on his feet, and brave, terribly, terribly, terribly brave, even when facing his greatest fears.  He set his eyes on the prize and did what it took to get the job done.  Save the Princess.  Protect the kingdom.  Honor the crown.  I want my son to be this way, and I want my daughter to grow up looking for a man like this.

So yeah, despite the gruesome parts, if my son was 9, 10, 11, I'd take him to see this movie.  This life we live is far scarier than some digitally created, malformed monsters at the top of a beanstalk.  No in this life my son will face the real giants of fear and failure, so he better learn to grit his teeth and fight for something worth more than his own life.  Save the princess.  Protect the kingdom.  Honor the Crown.  To do that he has to know what the words noble, dignity, respect, honor, humility, and brave really mean.  And to know that he has to see what they mean.  See them demonstrated and lived out.  Those aren't words you memorize off a page.  Those are words you emulate from life.

So I'm grateful for my husband who does his best to be my brave prince.  I'm grateful for the other men in my son's life who demonstrate these words in their own ways.  I just pray that more are out there.  That our culture hasn't emasculated every last male to fit into a pair of skinny jeans, gel his hair just the way she likes it, and do the princess's bidding at her beck and call.

No.  The princess wants a man with a sword, strong arms, and an equally strong mind who will come after her when she takes off down the path of her own adventure.  Who will unlock the cages she might find herself in.  Who will travel WITH her down the heights of the beanstalk and keep her safe as she tries to complete her own quest in life.

And princesses, that man needs you to tell him he's a prince in your eyes, that you trust him to keep you safe, that you have faith in his abilities to lead and protect you, and that you see and believe he can be more than he thinks he is.

They each need each other as much as the other.  Just in different ways.  It's how God designed it.  It's how it works best.  

They tell us fairy tales are an illusion these days.  That they cloud reality.  Not to set your hopes in a man or a woman.  You'll be sadly disappointed.  That there's no such thing as love at first sight.  I beg to differ.

God loved me the moment he thought of me.  And when Joey and I focus our marriage on that love, on loving THE King, He grows in us the character we need to live a life that glorifies Him--the greatest adventure of all.  I'm the princess, and Joey's the prince.  God saved us both, and He entrusts us to protect the Kingdom and honor the Crown.  Greatest adventure on earth!  So grateful he gave me a prince who's good with a Holy Sword and has a strong back and equally strong mind because we sure have a lot of fun going on adventures together=)

So maybe Jack the Giant Killer is a fairy tale.  Maybe it's not real life or completely relatable.  Not enough character flaws some would say.  Well, I think the pendulum for me is starting to swing.  When it comes to the media I watch and expose my kids to, I think I'll take some make believe nobility and chivalry over real-life deceit and cowardice any day of the week. 

So that's my biased opinion on the movie.  Take it or leave it--I'm just encouraged that not all "boy" movies are dark and/or gory.

 

Burning and Smoking

So let me continue filling in the gaps from last year...
February through May of 2012, I was fully believing so many subtly twisted lies.  I was proud of myself for sticking it out in BSF even though life was difficult.  I was pleased that they had even asked me to serve in leadership at the time, which God led me to prayerfully decline. (Thank you Lord.)  I was putting on a false front of spirituality that looking back now, makes me want to vomit.

Because the truth was, Joey and I literally fought every weekend he was home once he started traveling.  I was jealous that his dream was a reality and mine appeared to be slipping into obscurity. (Again, subtly twisted lies.)
I was angry and prideful and hurt by my own thoughts and mistruths.
I took my own self-cation during this time.
In my mind, I was having all kinds of conversations with myself that I had no business having, daydreaming up scenarios of conversations that never happened and never needed to happen!
I was spiritually bi-polar.  One moment sobbing at the feet of God, begging for forgiveness, and in the very next breath, I would ignore the Holy Spirit's prodding completely, blatantly choosing my own way because I'm a child of God. I know the right things to do.  I never told God I didn't need Him with my words, but I sure as heck told Him with my actions.

I've mentioned before that when you step out of the presence of God, you step fully into the presence of self--your flesh, this world, the devil.  So then, the challenge is to STAY in the presence of God.  This has not proven easy.

This is why we war (Ephesians 6:12).  I am not my own.  I was bought with a steep price--the blood of the Son of God Himself (1 Corinthians 6:19-20).  I am His, yet I still have to live in this world as an alien, a stranger, as holy and set apart (1 Peter 2:9-12).  This is not easy, so the battle rages every day.

I am more and more convinced that the physical trials of life take their toll on us, but it is the quiet, daily battles in the mind that determine if we live life in victory, freedom, and joy.

It's the inner conversations we have like:
"Wow. That was really edifying to the kingdom of God."  "That was a wise decision; good thing I made that choice."  "Hmm.  Glad that worked out the way I planned."  "I wish other people could see things the way God shows them to me.  Then they wouldn't have that issue." (Ummm---hello, PRIDE.)
Or
"I don't want to go read my Bible.  I'm tired.  The kids are resting.  I just want to veg on the couch and watch Grey's Anatomy on Hulu.  I know.  I will basically be wasting two hours of my day, but I'm just so tired.  Maybe just one episode, then I'll catch up on my Bible study.  God understands.  He knows I'm tired.  He extends grace, so I should take it."  (Um, SLOTH and RATIONALIZATION)  (Side Note: I'm not saying there's not room for actual grace we need to give ourselves in life, but every, single, day?  Come on people.  We all know when it's right and when it's wrong.)
OR
"Look at your prideful self!  Who in the heck do you think you are?  You are no one special.  Pride goes before a fall, and no man wants a fallen leader.  You are definitely NOT a leader.  Too prideful.  Too useless. Too worthless.  What you do here in this house really has no impact outside this home anyway.  Just give up. Do nothing." (LIES!!!!!!)

And there it is: Do Nothing.  The inevitable nail on the coffin.  The final phrase that satan hopes will stalemate me and keep me from doing anything at all for Christ.  My thorn in the flesh?  A deep inner war of conversations in my head that I am constantly battling.

And some time in May 2012, those tires I mentioned in my last post?  They were spinning so hard in neutral from all the "doing nothing" that the rubber was beginning to smoke.  God helped me realize that is all I really was--a bunch of burning rubber and smoke.  I wasn't going anywhere, I wasn't accomplishing anything because I was trying to do it on my own, without putting my engine in drive.

(Did you know that when you become a Christian God gives you a whole new engine?  A whole new motor of motivation?  Problem is, we keep the hood closed all the time.  We forget that He's under there waiting to drive us to new places in life.  We keep our life parked in neutral because that's safe and comfortable and what we know best. Anyways...I digress...)

For some unknown reason, only God knows I'm sure, in one of my spiritual bi-polar moments, God got my attention long enough to truly pray a prayer that I am now convinced is way, WAY more dangerous than praying for patience.
Smelling the stench of my prideful smoke and burning rubber of a life, I prayed and begged God in all sincerity to humble me.
To rid me of all the things I think I know.  To sift me and remove all the pride from my life.  To teach me what it means to be humble.  Truly humble.  To help me understand.  To see life through the humble eyes of Christ.

Yes, I prayed that prayer.

Why?  Because Satan wins when I end on the "do nothing" thought.  God wins when I lose myself in Him.  When I fall on my face in tears of helpless confession, hopelessly abandoned to accept His grace, drowning in His love for me and how much I truly, deeply love Him in return.  When I am nothing, and He is everything in me, then HE WINS.  So there can be nothing of myself.  Nothing.  And self is pride, not humility.  I needed to be humbled.

How do you do this?  How do you become nothing and let Christ be everything?  Faith, trust, belief, grace, love, humility?  That's a long list of things I can't touch.  I can't wrap my hands around them, so I try to wrap my mind around them, but even that is useless because intimately knowing what these things ARE doesn't mean I know HOW to live them.  Oh, it gives me a good head start, a foundation to build from, but to live them?  To live them....

Sigh.  That's another blog for another day, maybe for all the days of the rest of my life, yet isn't that why we have hope?  Doesn't striving for the unknown give us purpose?  Doesn't reaching for God make Him all that more desirable?  Not to be like Him--no, I don't want that job, but to be WITH Him.  If having faith, trusting, believing, accepting grace, loving, and humbling myself allows me to be with Him, in step with Him, walking beside Him, then I guess it's worth figuring out.  So that's what I'll keep doing.  I'll keep trying to figure out how to live them--how to be with Him.

So what happens when you pray for God to humble you? Oh my friend.  I will tell you.....
But for today, I leave you with this thought:
In what ways are you a prideful Christian or person for that matter?  You might be in ways you never considered.  Subtle ways that fly under the radar and go dismissed because we don't stop to think how often we are offenders--or worse, we don't/can't admit that we are this way.  Can you relate to any of the following:
1) Having a strong desire to do my will than God's will.
2) Leaning too much on my own understanding and experience rather than seeking God's guidance through prayer and His Word.
3) Relying on my own strengths and abilities rather than depending on the power of the Holy Spirit.
4) Being more concerned about controlling others than in developing self-control.
5) Often being too busy doing "important" things to take time to do little things for others.
6) Having a tendency to think that I have no needs.
7) Finding it hard to admit when I'm wrong.
8) Being more concerned about pleasing people than pleasing God.
9) Being concerned about getting the credit I feel I deserve.
10) Thinking I am more humble, spiritual, religious or devoted than others.
11) Being driven to obtain recognition by attaining degrees, titles, or positions.
12) Often feeling that my needs are more important than another's needs.
13) Considering myself better than others because of my academic, artistic, or athletic abilities or accomplishments.

Be honest.  I had to.  I had to look at this list because I was in the bottom of a pit and the only way out was the thin rope of confession and repentance.  I had to put a check mark by each of these in my book.  I had to gulp and swallow so much pride; it physically made me ill.

If you were to take up the discipline of capturing your thoughts (2 Corinthians 10:5), how many of them would fall into one of these categories...if only for a moment?

Remember it only took a moment for satan to twist God's words in Eve's mind.

I don't typically like to end on a low note, but see this is my story, and 2012 took me to a very low place where I think so many of my friends and fellow moms in particular find themselves too often.  You can't at least attempt to avoid failing again unless you can try to understand where you veered off the path in the first place.

Subtly twisted lies kept me in neutral while my prideful self kept my wheels spinning faster and faster and faster. Do more.  Be more.  Figure it out.  Push through. God is for you.  Who can be against you?  Never occurred to me that me, myself, and I could be the one I was up against.  It was only a matter of time. Burnout was inevitable.

Still...

....Smile.  God still loves me, and you too!

Subtly Twisted Lies

I haven't written much in 2012.  It's been a heck of year, and now I'm on a new journey, and I don't know who reads this blog, but I want you to know, I write these things for me because when God and I start talking back and forth in my head, it has to spill out on a page or I explode, or as this past year has proven, I implode.  Let me explain.

In December of 2011, I wrote a post about what God had spent all of that year teaching me.  It's one of my favorite posts to date.  However, two days after that blog hit the internet, my husband actually began his new job.  January 1, 2012 literally began the first day of a new chapter in our lives as a family.

The rubber met the road, so to speak.  God actually expected me to apply what He had spent a year in 2011 teaching me. (Wow!  Who would have thought application would be required, right?  Duh...I can be so naive sometimes...anyways)  The concept that God was enough.  He was all I needed.  Well, let me tell you, I began spinning my wheels, mustering all my courage, all the fortitude and strength inside myself, but something inside me didn't take the car out of neutral.  Looking back, I know now I was on a fast track to a major burnout and four blown tires.

January passed relatively uneventful.  Joey wasn't traveling much yet, but you see, I've been down this road before.  I was secretly anxious and waiting for the hammer to fall.  I knew in my heart that when he started traveling, when he wasn't here, when it was just me and my two precious children all alone, I knew things would get tough.  I knew the looming storm would ensue.

I mentally began to borrow trouble.

That knowledge.  That expectation was like a rock in the pit of my stomach--a heavy rock.  It was like wearing a collar that's too tight, always feeling like one more good swallow and you're going to choke. You see, looking back, that was my first mistake.  I wasn't taking myself out of neutral.  I wasn't actively believing what God had taught me.  I had head knowledge of all the promises He had given me, but I didn't truly believe them--well, at the very least, I didn't begin to practice them.

I started believing subtle lies.  Not blatant ones, mind you, very subtle ideas that I'm still recongnizing as coming from the father of all lies.  His most deceiving attack?  He made me believe that these thoughts were my own because if I had identified them as from him from the very beginning, I never would be climbing out of the ravine I've been in now.

One of my highest spirtitual gifts is discernment, but added to my analytical yet highly creative and emotional personality, I am a walking time bomb for self-sufficiency to despair.  I know all the right things to do. (So I thought.)  I felt the rock in my stomach, the choking feeling around my neck, and the brewing storm in my life on the horizon.  Yet, instead of battoning down the spiritual hatches, filling my life with the Word of God, and relying soley on His strength to ride out the coming storm, I started making my own preparations.

Joey and I made sure weekly date nights were still a priority.  I would take time outs around the house to stop and take deep breaths, say short prayers, and quite literally suppress, push down the emotions welling inside of me.  "Keep calm," I told myself, "stop worrying about something that hasn't even happened yet."  I started self-talking to myself, "Ok.  You know when he's gone, it's going to be hard.  Just hold on.  It won't last for long.  The two of you will figure this out.  God will take care of you.  You will adjust quickly.  It won't take three years to figure out the new normal like last time.  You are strong.  You are capable.  He's depending on you to hold it together.  Your kids are depending on you to hold it together.  If you make this transition smoothly, then everyone will be ok."

Oh my soul!!!  Can any of you see how wrong this thinking is?  I can now, but I didn't then.  Those kind of pep talks occur often in my mind.  For, "as a man thinketh, so he is," right?  The problem is all the positive self-talk in the world is useless if it is not founded in Christ.  Everything I thought on a daily basis, were good things.  They were positive ideas usually based in a smidge of spiritual truth, and that's where satan took his foothold in my mind.  I didn't need a smidge of truth, I needed Truth in it's entireity.  I needed Christ and His words, His thoughts, His ideas to be the Anchor for the coming storm.

Instead, I bought into one of the biggest lies satan can tell a believer who's known Christ almost their entire life.  You see, I like to think of myself as a Lifer--you know, a Christ-for-life kind of girl.  When you grow up surrounded by Christian influence, heritage, and legacy, when you accept Christ at the age of four, get baptized at six, rededicate your life at eleven with full knowledge of Who and how to serve, then you're a Lifer.  I can't imagine my life without Christ in it, without His Holy Spirit speaking to my heart and mind.  I just can't.  I don't want to.  Now, this is a HUGE, enormous, tremendous blessing!!!!!

But I've lived long enough now to see how satan can twist the biggest of God's blessings into the biggest of our curses simply by leveraging our sinful flesh to his advantage.  Satan oh so subtly twisted God's words from the very beginning in the garden of Eden, and his tactics haven't changed much in over who-knows-how-many thousands of years. (Stick with what works, right?) But when you're a Lifer, I've realized recently that while I've been privy to so many more of God's blessings than most who don't find Him until their late teens or twenties, I also have been manipulated more over a longer period of time by Satan's subtle lies in my life.

You see, Satan's war is with God, and if I don't belong to God, he may use me, block me from seeing the light, but mostly, I don't think he cares that much about me because I'm his eternal slave and unwitting bondservant anyway.  BUT, if I am a child of God, then his beef, his war is targeted directly at me.  If he takes me out of the battle, then I'm one less soldier he has to worry about trying to save one of his unwitting prisoners from the fiery flames of eternal hell.

And for me, he has always taken me out of the battle by twisting all the godly things I think I know into false teachings that root in my mind and heart and spread disease like wildfire through my system.  For me, this disease has always manifested itself in some form of depression.  Only in the past ten years have I learned to recognize the symtoms and call a spade a spade, but looking back on my middle and high school years, this is not a new pattern for me.  Depression is my go-to response to satan's influence and/or attacks in my life--this truth, I've come to realize in just the past few months.  Believing satan's lies drags me into depression.  Period.

So the biggest lie a Lifer can believe?  That I know it all.  That I've heard that already.  That I know the verse to combat that idea. (Without ever actually quoting the verse, mind you.  I just "know" it.)  That I remember hearing a message about that once. That I know the right thing to say.  Oh yeah, I did a Bible study about that once--it was helpful.  I know how God would handle that situation.  I know how you're feeling.  I know you're struggle.  I know how God feels about that action.  I have the righteous advice to give for every situation.  I know the consequences that will follow.  I know what scripture says, in general, about that subject. (Again, without actually ever quoting any scripture.) I know, I know, I know, I know, I know.  I've heard it all before.  There's nothing new under the sun anyway, right?

WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP.  And what a load of subtly twisted truths.  If you're a believer, can you spot them?  Can you see how an idea with a grain of truth (because there ARE some things I DO know) can be twisted into prideful knowledge that only steals, kills, and destroys others when the attitude, delivery, and relationship aren't exactly as God has them aligned for any given moment.  

I've learned over the years how damaging this attitude is when used toward others.  I still struggle with it sometimes--any one of my siblings can testify--but, by God's grace, I'd like to think that when it comes to dealing with others, I've gotten better.  However, this year has taught me how incredibly vicious these subtly twisted lies are to myself personally--to my own thoughts, ideas, and self-conversations.

I will explain, but for now, I'm going to stop here for today, and leave myself contemplating that huge, smelly, load of crap because unless I can wrap my head around the fact that my pride in being a knower is just as sinful as the rapist, the murderer, the gossip, and the disobeyer--then I can't really move forward.  I haven't learned my lesson if I can't confess this sin and move forward in the forgiveness and humbleness and brokenness that this revelation from the Lord in my life requires.

The Truth:
Proverbs 16:18 "Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall."

Deuteronomy 29:29 "The secret things belong to the Lord our God,(hence, I can know nothing He doesn't already want me to know) but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may follow all the words of this law."

1 Corinthians 13:1-10 "If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.² And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. ³ If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned,^[a] but have not love, I gain nothing.

⁴ Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant ⁵ or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;^[b] 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

⁸ Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹ For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰ but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. 

Isaiah 55:9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts."

Ecclesiastes 1:17-18 "And I set my ^[t]mind to know wisdom and to know madness and folly; I realized that this also is striving after wind. ¹⁸ Because in much wisdom there is much grief, and increasing knowledge results in increasing pain."

The TakeAway:  Knowledge of the Lord my whole life has blessed me beyond what I can ever think or imagine.  It has kept me from making many wrong and hurtful decisions.  But when I start letting satan slip in and twist this knowledge ever so subtly by slacking up and not keeping the truth ever at my fingertips, quoted word for word off my lips and in my thoughts, I will become prideful in my knowledge and the consequence is much grief and increasing pain.