Here's to 2020

In 2013 when she passed, my whole world stopped. To be fair, between becoming a new mother in 2007, blundering through postpartum depression, weathering a miscarriage in 2008, my world was already inwardly reeling well before her death. Looking back, I can see this clearly, but at the time it just seemed like the normal struggle of life.

But when she died, it's like the whole world just stopped, then it began to move in very slow motion in an opposite and different and new direction all together. Then, all of a sudden, like Dorothy in the tornado, I found my mind spinning out of control and transplanted to Oz, which quite literally ended up being from Georgia to California in 2014, and my family wasn't in Kansas anymore.

God knew exactly what He was doing every step of the way. 

To steal a quote from Lysa Terkearst, "the seeming permanence of some of the heartbreak ha(d) stolen some of (my) affection for life (It's Not Supposed to Be This Way, 2018)." Yes. Stolen my affection for life. I had slowly been losing my affection for life for some time if I look back and am honest. I was nursing wounds of seeming failure as a teacher. (This might be the first time I've ever even admitted I felt that way.) I was drowning in survival mode and seeming uselessness as a new mother. (Again, this was my inward world, I'm not sure even I knew at the time what was brewing in my mind.) I am not the mom who enjoyed those early years. Don't get me wrong. I treasured them, tried to appreciate them, and didn't wish them away, but when my youngest turned four, I breathed an inward sigh of relief that those early years were now treasured memories. I had survived.

I tried to thrive, but during the early years of my children, I weathered deep postpartum after my first, then silently grieved a miscarriage long after my second was born in 2009, somewhere in there my husband lost his brother (2010), and I buried a beloved grandfather (2012). It was life in my late twenties, early thirties. Everyone weathers crap, right? Everyone grieves sometimes about somethings. I was an adult. I could handle this. Right? 

I realize now how gentle and empathetic of a soul I have. Many have complimented me on my strength over the years, but the reality is my soft heart that feels deeply had a wall of emotional armor around it that grief was eating through like acid, and when it reached the soft underbelly of who I really was, I was in pain. You can only live life in pain for so long before it actually drives you crazy. When Savannah Veale died, my armor was destroyed, and I was left utterly exposed and frantic, my mind vulnerable to all the acid of the grief. In retrospect, it also left me completely vulnerable to the gentle working and molding of my Jesus. 

God sent the tornado that transplanted us to California. That was His doing. Except my yellow brick road was paved with sand and ocean waves. He even sent me my own Lion, Scarecrow, and Tin Man to keep me company, and we've journeyed together toward Oz, back to the heart of the Wizard of Oz, except in this metaphor, the Wizard of Oz really is the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. He was never a fake behind a curtain. Truth be told, He was with me on this journey the whole time, orchestrating every circumstance right there by my side.

So I sit here on the verge of 2020, looking ahead, and I am grateful for the journey. I've not reached a point where I can say I'm grateful for all the griefs. I am grateful for the freedom I've found in journeying back to the heart of my Jesus. I'm grateful for the relationships forged in fire along this journey, my husband being the closest and deepest. I'm grateful I am in a personal relationship with Jehovah Rapha, the God Who Heals. 

For many years now, I have believed that healing, deep healing from all the griefs of life, wasn't truly possible this side of heaven. If for the last decade I have been on a quest for joy and found it again in my Jesus, maybe the next decade is a quest for healing? or maybe victory? I don't know. I just know that Jesus healed so many during His time here on earth, and I believe His healing continues to this day, but I think maybe it looks so much different than what I think it should look or feel like.

My therapist said the other day, "Maybe part of healing is learning to accept what is instead of constantly dwelling on what could have been." This is a hard statement. One I keep rolling over in my mind, examining whether I believe there is truth there. I think there is.

Hebrews 12:1-3
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, 2fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before Him He endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

I think it could also read....
Therefore, since we are not alone, let us throw off the idea of what could have been and the sins of the mind that idea can use to so easily entangle us. And let keep running the race that is here, now, in front of us, laser focused on Jesus, the One who went first and perfected our faith. He chose the suffering of the cross to claim the joy He knew was on the other side, redeeming what the world saw as shame into glory, He took His place at the right hand of God the Father. When we struggle with the griefs and pain of this life, remember Jesus, so that you will not grow so weary that you lose hope. 

He is our Hope. And I think maybe it is finding hope again that also aids in healing.

So here's to 2020, the beginning of another decade--quite literally for me since I'm a 1980 baby--the beginning of new quests, new dreams, new tomorrows. I don't know what lies ahead, but all that lies behind has taught me Jesus has me covered. Here's to taking next steps, wherever life takes me, with eyes laser focused on Him. I'm telling you, the greatest adventures in life are lived with and for and in Christ.

Truly, deeply, in Christ, I wish you the Happiest of New Years!
Grateful to be His,
Jennifer

Christmas Letter 2019

Dear Family & Friends,                                                                                                                                               

This has been the year of intention. Intention is defined as the determination to act in a certain way. In looking up the definition, I found that intention is also defined as the process or manner of healing of wounds. We have all experienced wounds and carry wounds in our daily lives. I’ve written about many of these in my own life over the years, but this year was full of intention—I just didn’t know until I sat down to write this letter that intention had anything to do with healing. This revelation puts 2019 in a whole new perspective.

We always try to make our travels intentional to explore and experience more of God in creation or to use the time away to invest in relationships with one another and others. This year included snowmobiling in Yellowstone, a mission trip to Mexico for me, Easter and Thanksgiving in GA, a summer vacay to Maui, Hume Lake summer camp for Savannah and me, a trip to Washington D.C. for Joey and Weston, and plenty of weekend camping with our framily. We realize the blessing of these memories, and I try so hard to tuck them away and treasure each one.

Weston turned 10 in August. He’s all boy. A growing, bright, active and sensitive boy. Through some early struggles in the year physically and emotionally, I’ve watched him choose to intentionally trust God more. We pray with purpose, and he is quick to recognize his need for prayer and ask for it. When we talk about the Lord, there’s a maturity to Weston’s understanding of God’s presence now that has built in him a strength he didn’t have before. He’s set his mind to learn and understand and put into practice what he learns. His diligent intentions can be seen in his grades, his conversations, his questions, on the soccer field and how he treats others.

Savannah turned 12 in October, but we have been in full preteen mode for quite some time. Our church promotes kids the beginning of June, so that’s when she officially entered the world of sixth grade and middle school. Natural consequences have become an all too common discussion in our home, yet I’ve watched her learn and grow with grace. We’ve always called her the baby whisperer, but it’s such a joy to watch the Lord use her talents with the children at church. She’s been intentional about not only volunteering at church but making sure she’s present and involved with activities in the middle school. She made the choice to switch sports this year as she started swim team in August. She seems to love this sport, and I’m encouraged by her positive attitude and willingness to take instruction and apply what she’s learned. The same is true for school. It’s been her own spiritual growth where she’s taken initiative that is the most endearing. She journals, does devotions, and even has a prayer wall set up in her room. These are not things we’ve required her to do, but how we’ve watched the Lord move with intention in her own heart. What a joy and blessing and answer to prayer.

Joey began the year with the goal of being intentional with our children by implementing Friday morning breakfast devotions with Dad. It’s just him and the kids every Friday morning discussing God’s Word over Chick-fil-A breakfast together. It’s nothing fancy, but it has become something they request, and while the chicken is a definite motivator, I think they really crave the time with their dad, and I’m so grateful Joey’s leading them toward their Heavenly Father at the same time. Joey has continued to be intentional with our marriage as he’s implemented “connect time” into our daily routine this year. This is just a time for the two of us to sit down across from each other with no distractions and talk, making sure we’re on the same page as we move forward emotionally, spiritually, and mentally in our daily lives. This practice is priceless for our marriage. As for work, I’m not sure I’ve met a more intentional teammate. He seeks to serve with excellence, and I believe the Lord continues to bless each of Joey’s intentions where work is concerned.

I began this year like every other year, but with the encouragement and wisdom of a dear friend, I set my mind to complete my first International distance triathlon. I could write a whole book on this intention, but it’s always been a personal goal to complete one before I turned forty, so I trained, and I sacrificed, and I completed the race. A half mile swim, 25 miles of biking, and 10K of running later I had crossed the finish line in 2 hours and 29 seconds, beating my personal goal of finishing in under 2hr30min. (Ha!) It was a purpose-filled journey. When you intentionally choose to do something difficult, the how and when of God’s presence lights up like a neon sign.

After Joey and I completed his first sprint triathlon together the end of September, God’s plans for me shifted drastically. It became abundantly clear to me through His Word that I was to be intentional with my time and how I chose to spend it and who I chose to spend it with. Mostly, the Lord’s been calling me to Himself. My days are not as full as years past because I felt the Lord call me out of several ministries. My days have slowed as every hour I find myself stopping to seek the Lord’s direction on how He would have me use my time. I’ve always felt the call to write but disciplining myself to use my time to write is another act of obedience altogether.

Yet the healing that has taken place in my heart and mind and soul over this past year (ongoing healing from depression, anxiety, and the wounds of grief from the past decade) is undeniable and must be completely accredited to my Jesus and His patience with me, His faithfulness to never leave me, never forsake me, and never give up on me. Mentally, I am healthier than I’ve been for almost six years. Physically, well, can’t we all do better? (Ha!) But the difference now is I know what to do and how to do it to keep myself from derailing. Spiritually, God has opened my eyes to the practice of intentional thanksgiving, and it’s currently blowing up my perspective on how to approach this one life we are gifted. (Maybe I’ll have more to write on this next year, I’m still in the beginning stages of what this looks like😉) But the facts of this year speak for themselves—I did not intend to heal, but turns out when I set my mind to discover what physical, mental and spiritual wellness looks like for me, healing was an unintended, yet welcome side effect. Ironically—as I mentioned above—by definition, intending is also actually a process of healing. Who knew? God did. A process that continues, and I’m pretty sure won’t end this side of heaven.

For six years my heart has wanted to heal, but it didn’t know how. Had I intended to heal myself, I would have failed miserably. My intention for six years has only been to discover what healthy looks like for me in all aspects of life. It has been hard, rewarding, life-changing work. My Jesus has met me right where I am every step of the way. Joey has come along side me, leaning in to what it looks like to emotionally support. Our family of four works hard to practice healthy, open and honest communication with one another. And for the first time in my life, I feel like the Lord has blessed me with friends who I know will take me back to Jesus every time I’m too weak to take myself. Throw in a healthy dose of beach life and ocean sunsets, and my heart is joy-full because I see God’s presence in all of it. I’m discovering His intentions for me.

What about you? In what way can you determine in your heart and set your mind to act in a way that will move you toward wellness in Christ? Instead of a long list of resolutions for 2020, what’s just one area of your life you can intentionally focus to be healthy? Is this the year for physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, marital, parental or financial wellness?

I read recently that “the secret to joy is to keep seeking God where we doubt He is (Voskamp, 1000 Gifts).” Which makes sense, since “in (the Lord’s) presence is fullness of joy (Psalm 16:11).” I’ve been on an intentional journey, a treasure hunt, in search of joy for some time now, and whether I like it or not, the truth is God keeps bringing me back to a closer relationship with Him in my quest. I search for joy, and He shows me a little more about His heart for me and others and this world. I grasp for joy, and He gives me His hand to hold. I cry and beg for joy in the dark, and He wraps me with his peaceful Presence. I’ve hunted for joy, intentionally, relentlessly for six years, and I keep finding my Jesus in new ways, and today, writing this letter, it makes my heart sing. What is it you think you so desperately need that you’re willing to set yourself to the quest of finding it?

I pray that this next year is the beginning of new quests for each of us. Whether your quest be for love, peace, acceptance, purpose, hope or all of the above, my guess is when you start exploring all the options—looking under all the rocks, going to great lengths, highest highs and lowest lows to find what you’ve set out to find—my guess is you’re going to find Jesus. I hope you do. Knowing Him more and knowing He fully knows me is my greatest treasure this year.

He is the best gift I can share with everyone in my life. 2 Corinthians 9:15: “Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift!”

Wishing you the merriest of Christmases from our home to yours,

Joey, Jennifer, Savannah & Weston Durham

Photography Credits to Katie Morrow Photography.

Today We See Jesus

Today we say goodbye.

It's weird. Why does a ceremony seem to hang over our heads as if that's the thing that's going to bring closure? Why does it feel so important? so reverent? so necessary? Why does Ecclesiastes 7:2 say, "It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting, for death is the destiny of everyone; the living should take this to heart."?

Burying people dates back to the days of Abraham in the Bible when Abraham lovingly bought the first piece of the land God promised to him and his descendants to bury is beloved Sarah.  He buried her in a cave in the side of a mountain, and laid her to rest.  God records many a burial in the Bible, so it must be important.  He must know that it gives us something we need.

So as much as this past week has felt like the calm before the storm for me, as much as crawling out of bed this morning felt like a weight around my body and mind, I know today is needed.

It is good to mourn AND celebrate with the body of Christ.  Other believers.  Other people who loved Xander. It's kinda like the red blood cells of the body of Christ all merging together to cover the wound, clot together, stop the bleeding, and heal the wound.  Of course this started a week ago with text messages, Facebook pictures and condolences, hugs, prayers, and shared tears.  Today's services are kinda like taking the band-aid off, letting the wound breath and begin to harden, so healing can continue underneath the scab, and movement--albeit however stiff--can continue without pain.

And that's what will happen today.  We will all get to breathe not just the air of shared sorrow, but more importantly the air of shared joy.  Xander's joy.  We will celebrate his life together.  His sweet, joy-filled days here on earth.  And we will sing with tears in our eyes knowing that he is experiencing a joy we can only hope to try and understand, but never fully will. All the joys of this life we wonder he's missing out on PALE in comparison to where he is today and what he's enjoying. And there's not one suffering we endure in this lifetime that will ever touch him now.

And when the fresh air of that realization washes over us, the body of Christ, we will feel the weight lift, the wound uncovered.  We will feel a peace as we come together firm to support each other. Underneath in each of our hearts, the wound will still be tender, but healing will continue in time. But for today, as one unit breathing fresh air of a new life in God's Home, realizing that in Christ this is NOT the last time we will see him, praising our God for being good and claiming the truth that He will do right by His people.  Together, we will begin to move forward from this day.

And because we clot together, when we move forward it will be with less pain.  A little stiff maybe. A little tender underneath, but not as painful as the hole ripped open a week ago today.  No.  After today, Jesus will bind us all together in one hope, one joy, and one peace.  Unity in Christ will guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus, and we will have each other to remind each other that He holds us close that He is our Strength, our Help, our Refuge.

And when we lay Xander in the ground, we will be continuing the process of letting him go. Ceremonies are necessary to help us remember, to help us move on.  How many piles of stones marked significant blessings and words from God in the Old Testament?  How many ceremonies were meticulously described in the books of Moses to help people remember and continue their lives in covenant and celebration?

Today will be a good day.  As much as we may dread all the emotion we are about to experience one more time, today will be a good day.  We will see Jesus in Xander's life.  We will see Jesus in each other.  We will see Jesus in the music.  We will see Jesus in his remembrance.  We will see Jesus in the unity of our love for one another.

Today will be a good day people!  Look around and don't miss it!  Camp out and stay and watch! Today WE WILL SEE JESUS!  If you're looking, even through bleary eyes and weary souls, you will see Him.

And today will be a good day.