Be the Friend Who Takes Them to Jesus

Friendships are tricky. I have found there are all manor of friends in one lifetime, and it can be a struggle to recognize and hold onto the good ones because we’re all flawed and prone to misguided thinking and actions on even our best days. And there’s so many types of friends!

The I’ll-drop-everything-when-you-call friend

The Never-replies-to-group-texts friend

The friend you have on speed dial for impromptu life events when you must talk to someone now

The friend who’s your best friend today then only wants to talk about the weather tomorrow

The Let’s-talk-about-Jesus-and-all-the-deep-things-of-your-heart friend

The fun friend who just wants to laugh and have a good time

The friend who asks about you and the friend who just talks about them

The friend who shows up to do life with you and hang and be present

The I-can-help-with-your-projects friend

The I-will-keep-and-love-your-kids-like-my-own friend

The chit-chatty surface friend and the friend you feel safe to cry with

The ones where your husbands get along but not the kids and vice versa

The friend with unlimited availability and the one who never seems to be available

The Gift-Giver, the Encouraging Texter, the Exercise Buddy, the Impromptu Luncher, the Early Birds and Night Owls

I could go on and on and on. Friends come in all shapes and sizes. They come with their own unique backgrounds and personal boundaries and beliefs about life. Most of us are a combination of all these types of friends and more. Not one friend fits into any mold.

I used to think I always wanted one best friend. I’ve envied everyone in my life who’s ever used that term about one person. I searched and kept my eyes open my entire life for my person. Even after I got married, I kept looking for that soul-mate friend—the Christina Yang to my Meredith Grey, the Huck Finn to my Tom Sawyer, Copper the Hound to my Todd the Fox. Best fwiends forever. It obviously exists, right? People write about it, make movies and television shows about it. I know people that have posted pictures with friends from the time they were babies, friends for life.

I’m not saying having one best friend is an urban legend, an unrealistic goal like fairytale lives and endings, but in my experience, it has not been a reality. Probably because my expectations have always been unreasonably high and unrealistic. That’s on me. But more importantly, I’m not convinced that’s what the Lord wants for my life. I think the pursuit of one best friend is a lie I’ve been chasing, and I’m ready to quit.

Jesus didn’t have just one friend. He had three closest ones in Peter, James, and John (Matthew 5:37, 17, 26:37), then nine more closer ones in other disciples, then how many women that went unaccounted whom He considered friends? He called Lazarus His friend. How many others did He consider friend that go unlisted in scripture? The only person Jesus had a need to be alone with was His Father. The only Person I should have a need to connect with is my Abba Father and my husband. Everyone and anyone else are a bonus gift in the body of Christ.

As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another (Proverbs 27:17). Encourage one another daily (Hebrews 3:13). Don’t give up meeting together (Hebrews 10:25). We are all members of one body (1 Corinthians 12). The Bible is clear about our role in community with others. Friends are essential to life, but for me, my one Best Friend should be Jesus then my husband. Life gets all out of balance when I try to put someone else in that role.

So instead of one best friend, I’ve started evaluating for Peters, Jameses, and Johns instead. If I’m the paralytic on the mat, who are the four people that are going to cut a hole in the roof to lower me into the presence of Jesus (Mark 2:4)? Those are the people who I am vulnerable with even if they aren’t always vulnerable with me. Those are the people I trust with my broken heart and disappointments even if they choose someone else for theirs. God knows our needs, and He puts different people in different people’s lives to meet those needs. That’s a grace and a gift and a good thing.

Reciprocity is a worldly requirement for friendship, not a godly one. The Lord knows, He’s my Best Friend whether I treat Him like He’s mine or not! If reciprocity were a requirement of our relationship, I’d fail constantly, yet He still calls me His friend (John 15:15). Unbelievable grace. If God can continue to call me friend after I fail Him daily, can I not also extend grace to others for their shortcomings and irritable quirks?

Friendship works best when it’s a two-way street because that’s what feels good. True friendship works even when one side of the street has shut down. Peter denied Christ three times after all (Luke 22:54), but what a sweet restoration on the shore of the beach after Christ’s resurrection (John 21). Peter denied his friendship because he was overcome with fear. I wonder what demons your friends might be battling in this season of life. I wonder if they just need to be loved for who they are now and restored for who they could be in the future. What if we all chose to see the best in the ones who have hurt us the deepest?

I don’t know. This journey toward healthy friendships continues to be an adventure that I study and process and ponder. I’m trying to examine the motives of my own heart before I begin to even speculate about the motives of others. Better yet, I’m learning to just ask questions and clarify motives before jumping to conclusions. I’m trying to become the friend who will cut a hole in the roof and lower you to Jesus whether you’d do the same for me or not because there’s great joy in taking others to Jesus and watching Jesus do what only He can do in their lives.

 

Grateful to be His,

Jennifer Durham

To My Grieving Friend

Dear Friend,

I see you. I see your suffering. The weight of what you bear does not go unnoticed, unrecognized, or unappreciated.

And what might be hardest is there's nothing I can do to ease your pain. There's literally nothing to say that sounds right or appropriate or that doesn't need to be qualified in some way. So very often, I purposely choose to say nothing at all. I deliberately censor my conversations and catch myself correcting my phrasing as the words are coming out. And because I love you so deeply, part of me longs to not do this, to be care-freely honest as friends should be, but then I also love you so much I know that a gentle, tenderness and an understanding spirit are also needed. Honesty and discernment can still go hand in hand.

I never want to intentionally cause you more pain. So if I do, please forgive me and offer me the benefit of the doubt.

The truth is you're not the same person that you were before this grief consumed you. I don't expect you ever will be again. It will mark your story for the rest of your days. I know this, and yet, sometimes my heart skips a little when I see a glimmer of the old you, only to realize that's not fair and not true and not loving because the desire to see that person is completely selfish on my part. So every moment I spend with you now, I just choose to love you for who you are and how you are and where you are today. I expect nothing of you, and I'm grateful for the friendship you still offer.

So what to do? What to say? What to be? What to offer?

I've come to the conclusion all I have is my time and my presence. A listening ear on the other side of a text, an encouraging smile, a sympathetic touch, a supportive hug, a person to look into your eyes, see and acknowledge your pain and choose to stay. To stay for one more minute, one more hour, one more conversation, be one more distraction. 

I choose to believe for you when you can't. To believe you will one day find joy again. To dream of bright futures full of happy memories for you. To believe you still have great and mighty purposes to accomplish and fulfill on this earth. To believe that a future and a hope are still yours for the living. To petition the throne room of our Lord on your behalf, begging Him to hold you, comfort you, be Enough for you, for today, for this moment.

I offer you my presence in this hardest of battles to endure. I will stand beside you and hold up your arms when you're too weak to hold them up any longer. I will stand in the gap in prayer for you and your family, consistently, and persistently. I won't give up on you. I won't run or back down or grow weary in just being there.

I will cry for you. Tears in private I will not burden you with, but tears on your behalf nonetheless. And I like to believe that maybe every tear I've shed on your behalf is one less tear you've had to shed yourself. I'd like to think it works that way. That my highly emotional, overly sensitive self is being used in some way behind the veil in the kingdom of God to lighten your burden. That my ability to cry so easily is somehow a gift from God to relieve the burdens of others. I don't know, but maybe. I like to think so.

And this is all I have to offer. An unconditional presence with no strings attached, no expectations, just maybe a little grace on the days the sadness of your sadness weighs extra heavy. That's all. I wish it was more. I wish I could guarantee that would be enough. But you and I both know, Jesus is the only One who can be and will be Enough to carry you through. If my only purpose is to remind you of that every now and again, then I'm content.

This grief is not your whole story, my friend. It's not. I don't believe that. It may be the backdrop, the scenery, the background music to your story--all deeply meaningful, beautiful, and unforgettable--but not the whole story. I wish I could tell you when the joy will return. I wish I could shield you from the waves of grief that will continue to crash. Instead, I pray you let me swim in the storm with you because I will and be a small part to play in encouraging your story to continue because I can.

You are not defined by this grief. You are a child of God defined by Jesus Himself, His own dearly, preciously loved possession. Never forget that's who you truly are.

You are my friend. And I am blessed to know you, to journey with you. Given the choice, even knowing what was to come, I'd be your friend all over again. I can do nothing to remove your pain, to lessen your sorrow, but I can be someone who's here, who sees you right where you are, the good, the bad, and the ugly, and I can choose to be here and show up and pray up.

That's all have to offer. To God be the glory if it's enough.

In Christ,

Your Friend

Let's See If I Can Describe...

OH, how I wish I had a picture to share! Let's see how good of a writer I can really be....=)

So today after Bible Study, several of us ladies were all standing around, and the idea of lunch was brought up. We end study at 11:30, so the thought of catching a quick bite to eat all together today was a good idea. Let me paint this picture...

We get to El Pollo Loco, push four tables together and gank all the high chairs the restraunt has to offer. There are now seven women and six kids sitting around these tables, for the most part it was kid, adult, kid, adult, etc. Now, mind you, the oldest child at this table was my friend Bekah's 20-month old, Luke, making Savannah the second oldest and the youngest child about 9 months old.

This was a riot! As the lunch process went on, you could totally tell that we women came in thinking this would be a fun time to chit chat and enjoy each other, but slowly, very slowly the stress of feeding these children and almost being outnumbered began to rise. Not to mention, that we all got the biggest hoot out of watching each parent and child duo. You know, there were the ones that had the high chair covers and the ones who didn't. The ones who ate off the table, the ones who ate off a plate, the one who carry around the disposable table placemats, and the ones who needed to borrow one of those placemats. You saw moms who bought their kid a meal and those who packed their kid's lunch. Moms whose kids drank out of bottles, cups, straws, juice boxes. The moms who meticulously tore apart each bit of food into tiny pieces, the ones who figured the kid could handle some chunks on their own, and the moms still spoon feeding.

You could watch everyone watching everyone as the stress levels began to rise. Of course, some children were easy and laid back, others were not having as much fun, and then there was the two "oldest" who we allowed to run around after painstakingly failing at keeping them in a chair. In one aspect I was impressed, all of our children new their mother's voice, and all of them knew to obey. Disciplining your child in front of others can be so uncomfortable. There was a moment when I thought Cynthia was going to have watch me spank Savannah, but she soon gave in to my most threatening tone to SIT in her chair.

Needless to say, after about an hour, of which no real adult conversation took place, we all smiled graciously at each other, and left the restaruant much quicker than we had entered--all wanting to avoid the inevitable afternoon naptime break downs. I LOVE my friends. I LOVE the group of women I get to interact with, and I LOVE being a mom. Where else can you find such cheap entertainment?

2008 Highlights

So, this will be a rather long blog, but more so because of the pictures, not the words. I loved every moment! Can't wait to see what 2009 will bring! Here's the recap: (And I'm only going to hit a few main points from each month, so please, no one go and get their feelings hurt!)

January
1. Savannah starts sleeping through the night! YEAH!! I have a life again....hence the red hair-loved it, hated the upkeep.

2. Savannah's baby dedication. Don't know why the only picture I have is of me, Savannah, and Mark, but here it is. February

(Can't leave out the infamous girl's night party my greatest friend Amanda threw.)

3. Savannah stays away with Aunt Lah and Uncle Tim while we hit seminar in Orlando.

March

4. Joey's brother in TX got married! Welcome Amber to the fam=) Savannah takes her first plane ride and does swimmingly.

April

5. Spending Easter with Matt & Em in Fayetteville, NC was fun. Good times.

May

6. For those who know, this was a tough month. Homesitting for Aunt Debbie and enjoying pool was a bright spot.

June

7. Let's see...Chattanooga Aquarium with the Durham-side of the fam and the Braves Game with Matt & Em--I love doing things with family=)

July

8. Family Vacation!!! Amelia Island!! Can't wait for '09!!!

August

9. We loved visiting the TX grandparents with Little Miss. San Antonio is always a beautiful place to visit.

September

(Visit to Bro Mark's school, JSU, with Tim and LA for a football game.) 10. Back to see the Macon Grandmommy & Macon Granddaddy. October

11. Visiting the Hill's in AZ! We had so much fun! And Savannah was a doll=)

12. Savannah's 1st Birthday party!

13. Her first photoshoot compliments of SugarSnap Photography.

14. And my weekend getaway with friend Bekah. Loved it! (See blog for pics.)

November

15. Thanksgiving with Matt & Em!!!! We had such a good time!

December

16. Christmas! You can read all the blogs before this one to see all those great pics again=)

So did we travel all over the place or what? ! ? Seriously! Whew...tired just reliving it=)

What a great year. The last fourth is blogged and everything else captured on film. Life is good. Live it up in '09 and don't forget how much God loves us all!

Awesomest Husband Ever!!!!

Ok, so I don't know what I did to deserve a husband who is constantly trying to be aware of my needs and meet them, but God has been good to me in this area of my life abundantly above and beyond what I deserve! I mean seriously!

So I've been a little out of sorts for pretty much the whole month of October because I've been sick with bronchitis (twice! still taking preventative medication to keep from a third relapse!), and Savannah has been sick the entire month as well. So between my own body telling me I've had enough and Savannah crying ALL the time because she doesn't feel good, my amazing husband got the picture that I needed a break.

So what does he do? He gives me one! And says I can take a friend! What? Out of the blue, he arranged everything...childcare, cost, spa treatments, meals, everything! All I had to do was get a friend and show up for my weekend of nothing...I LOVED IT!!! Every single minute of unplanned nothingness, and my friend Bekah loved it too. So here is the story of my retreat...

Halloween night, Bekah and I drove in late to the middle of nowhere, Whitesburg, GA, smack dab in the middle of Newnan and Carolton, only thirty minutes from home, but you feel miles away from everything. We get there late, and I get the first glimpse of how spooked my friend Bekah can get. I mean, when we pulling into the entrance to the Banning Mills Bed & Breakfast lodge at around 9:00pm Halloween night, it did look like a cruel joke with our first impression being an abandoned guard house. Bekah was like,"What? Are you sure our husbands aren't going to jump out of nowhere and scare us?" Yes, the guard house and long unlit drive to the lodge was creepy, but no cruel joke, just a large, cozy room at a newly renovated lodge-like setting. Loving it already!

We stayed up late that night talking into the wee hours (you know that was like 11:00pm mom-time.) We slept in late the next morning...again, 9:00am. Yes, on mom-time that IS sleeping in! Ate a hearty breakfast cooked by someone else...it was good mind you, but the fact that someone else cooked it, is all that really mattered=) Hiked around and got our bearings until lunch time. Ate a delicious lunch, delicious mainly because someone else cooked it. (I think you should be feeling the pattern by now=) Then Bekah went back to the room for some catching up on reading while I enjoyed the massage and facial my husband had so lovingly scheduled for me. Yes!! He did it! He rocks...what can I say. All other women have a right to be jealous=) J/K...kinda...anyway...

I was done by 2:30 when Bekah and I decided to hit the hiking trails and go explore all these old Civil War ruins that were on the property. We hiked for a long while enjoying the beautiful fall weather and scenery, and all the waterscapes. For those of you who read April's blog, this is a better picture of what you might see in the south this time of the year. The leaves are stunning! And we found several leaves that were so unbelievably large we had to take pictures with them!

So, at the end of this so called trail we were hiking...being very adventurous...we came to the old abandoned paper mill we had set out in search for. Of course, it was on the other side of the river, and of course, we had to find our way over to it, disregarding "No Trespassing" signs. Now mind you, this was Bekah's idea to get to the abandoned paper mill, and I was thinking, "Awesome! She's as foolhardy and curious as I am!" Only to find out once we got there, that she was petrified the place was going to fall in around us if we walked around, not to mention she was a little spooked. Granted, the place was eerily silent and peaceful with only the sound of the wind rustling through the broken-paned windows. Moss, yellow Caution tape, and weathered blue tarp swung creepily in the breeze. I was loving every moment of suspense and would have gladly lived a little farther over the edge exploring the place, but Bekah really was concerned the place would fall down around our ears, so we took several pictures from a doorway just inside the building, trying to capture that perfect photogenic moment. All the while, Bekah was hoping to spot some orbs in her camera...ha-ha! I love her! My "orb" photo is posted below on her behalf, but the spots on my lens might offer an explanation, but who can really know?

So the hike was adventurous and exhilarating and exhausting, and completely unplanned and unscheduled! Ah, to live life by the seat of your pants again! If you don't have kids, don't take it for granted! So dinner was a must after this, and we ate to our hearts and content, but stomach's demise at the Red Robin in Newnan. Drooled a little over Mark Wahlberg in the movie Shooter for our bedtime snack, and went to sleep dreaming of husbands with large arm muscles. (Of course, we would both argue this is not a dream, but a reality...shout out to the hubbies=) And so ends, my two night, one day escape from the stresses of sickness and 24-hour mothering. (I came home to a child with a stomach virus, but such is life, right?) Regardless, I am eternally grateful to my amazing husband for loving me enough to send me away, all details taken care of! I love you Joey Durham....more than I could write! (And obviously, that's A LOT!)

Getting started...

So, we were out visiting my cousin April (here she is holding my little one at the famous Sprinkles cupcake shop) in AZ this past weekend, and if you know her, you know she is more than a techie, she's a tech junkie, but her passion for all things digital, computerized, etc., is so contagious that I now have a gmail account where I share a calendar with Joey (the selling point for switching to gmail), and now with google reader it's so easy to keep up with everyone's blogs that I felt left out not having one of our own.

So, thank you April, my bestest cousin ever, for bringing this stay-at-home mom into the 21st century...or at least motivating me to stay there=) And what better way to start than on the day of my beloved only child's birthday!

Wow! What a year it has been! I can't believe Savannah is 1 year old. I do not miss the baby days, but my heart does ache at how quickly she has grown and continues to grow...every day learning new things. It is so true, that it won't be long before ____________ (you fill in the blank!) Anything and everything is what she does these days, constantly surprising me with what she understands and how she tries to communicate. How blessed am I to watch God's greatest miracle form right in front of me!

Here she is playing in her first fountain in AZ...I wish you could have seen her face when the water shot up in it...pure surprise and joy--no tears=)

...And here she is on her first swing, and lovin' on her daddy...

I could post a thousand more pictures, but I'll end with my new favorite of me an her. I love that you can see her spunky spirit shining in her eyes at all times whether happy or sad, those beautiful blues tell it all. Happy Birthday baby girl! Your Mama & Daddy love you very much!!!